My Future Children.

I hope do not look like this. Ha.
Boys.

Girls.

The little girl looks cute with the brown hair. But it's inaccurate because me and N definitely do not have brown eyes. Both of our eyes are blue.


I'm having way too much fun on the website. makemebabies.com

17 weeks.

Woot, I'm 17 weeks along as of yesterday.
I took a picture and all of a sudden I have popped out a belly!

I'll show you some pictures.

Tonight I'm going out with this girl I met at LDS family services. We're going to go see a movie (Knowing) and then go bowling or something. I'll take some pictures :]
Man, I talked to Loni (my caseworker) yesterday. I miss her. I saw her at our group on Wednesday but I miss talking to her. The blog is nice to write out your feelings but it's always good to talk to someone. She called me yesterday while I was work then I called her back and we talked about how the appointment did not go okay. Ha. She's awesome. I really appreciate her and all that she does, not just for me, but for other girls. It's her job, but she takes out the time in her day to talk to her clients about things and make sure they're doing okay. She rocks. Just a little grateful for her moment there!

Here are the pictures:Sorry, here's some skin for ya. Ha. This is me at 12 weeks.


And this is me from yesterday. 17 weeks. I look more tan in my 12 week photo. Dang it.


I take pictures from both sides because I always forget which side so I can do a little time line thing.17 weeeeeks baby!


Yeah, this post is kind of boring. Nothing really exciting has been going on. Just working and stuff.

Oh, I did talk to a really cute boy today that I used to work with at the other store. It was kind of funny because all we talked about was work. We are LAME.

7 more school days left!
15 more days until my birthday!
And 26 more days until my ultrasound!

Yipee!

Heartbeat

My friend made the video. :p She didn't really know what to listen for. But you can hear my heartbeat really well! Ha. I don't think you can hear the baby's in either video.
But that's okay. :]


In the 1st one we're looking for the heartbeat.




In the 2nd one we just finished hearing the heartbeat and the nurse says it's growing like ti should be. Ha.

I have my next appointment on May 7th. They changed my ultrasound date. It was May 5th but the Ultrasound tech won't be there that day I guess.
I got a postcard in the mail yesterday from Fetal Fotos and they have an office in Salt Lake and with the postcard I get like $10 off the ultrasound. I want to wait and do the 3d or 4d ultrasound when I'm farther along to see what he/she really looks like. :]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! One more month until I find out what I'm having.
It'll probably be the longest month of my life.

Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.

A Change of Heart

I found this e-mail I wrote to my sister a day after me and N broke up. It makes me a little sad that he couldn't keep his promises from what I told my sister. But it makes me feel good to look back on it and remember those feelings of knowing the truth.

My subject may be confusing but you may be very happy. :]

Well,N broke up with me last night. Saturday night. Yes, I'm not a happy
person about it. But the reason why he broke up with me was because he
wants to focus on himself. He wants to start going back to church.

When he told me, I was very understanding of his decision. I was sad that we
were breaking up but happy for him to be who he wants to be and find
out who he is. And I told him everything I was afraid of. First off, he
was scared that I was mad at him for breaking up with me. And I told
him I was far from mad and I was more envious of him. To be able to
push past his pride and be able to stand up for himself. Things that
I've been wanting to do for years.

He and I talked about the church. A reason why he wants to go back to church is
because before when he was dating other girls he just thought of it as
entertainment and not going anywhere. But with me, he thought of
marriage and family, and it scared him because he does not have a
stable life right now. He doesn't have a job and he's not going to
school for anything. And he knows that if he goes back to church that
everything will fall into place.

He broke up with me was because he knows that he won't be able to withstand the temptation of being around me since we have done things that only married people should do.
And I respect him for that. I want him to be able to change his life. I
think I respect him more for telling me this than just holding off on
our relationship then just drop the news.

He told me in person when we broke up. He cares about me enough to tell me in person then to just call over the phone and say it's over.

The reasons I am scared is, to find out who I really am. Or to let other
people find out who I was and have them judge me.
I mean, what guy wants to be with me if he has saved himself, and I
haven't?
Also, I'm afraid to end up alone.

I told N he wasn't very good with timing because I just have lost a lot
of friends. I was struggling with some personal issues and decided to
end them. And those friends weren't happy about it and left. I guess
they weren't my friends in the first place right? So I just felt so
alone not really being able to talk to anyone. And then having N
break up with me I just felt completely alone.

I only felt like one good thing was happening in my life,
and it was N.

N has helped me through a lot of struggles. J, drugs, and being alone.
N has also helped me become a better person to others and hopefully,have a better and stronger family bond.

N was talking to me about wanting to have a family being together forever. And there was no moment in my life where I had felt more grateful for knowing about the
truth. He was telling me that he didn't just want his family in this
life but in the next life as well. When he was telling me this, I knew
in my heart, that he was the one that I am supposed to be with. I had
something just struck me and tell me. That's what I need in life. Maybe
not be with N. But someone like him, someone passionate enough to
love his family, to just start all over.

N has made me learn a lot of things in life. I didn't think this would
be one of them.

It has been hard for me to cope with the break up because I care about him
a lot. And I thought we were going to get married and I don't know
maybe sometime down the road it might happen.

He went to church today and I was still pretty bummed. The night before he told me that we could always be friends. And I asked him to promise not to leave me.
And he grabbed my face and had me look at him and he said, "I'm not
going anywhere. The day you tell me to leave you alone is the day I
leave. I'm not leaving you. I'll always care and love you Stefanie."

He told me he would love to be with me for the rest of his life, but not
just this one either. No matter who he ends up with, that's how he
wants it to be. But he also wanted to tell me that we may not be
together again.

When he called me today before he went to the
bishop, I just asked him why he didn't want me to go to church with
him, and he said that it didn't work out that way.

I haven't spoken with him since he talked with his bishop. But I have
done a lot of thinking.

I thought about how hurt I was because I didn't want N to go to church.
To a singles ward and meet other people and make him forget about me. I
didn't want him to forget that I was his friend. And I just kept
feeling lonely.

I remember that N said to me, Satan works the hardest on the best of us. And it's true. I didn't realize it in the moment until I've had time to look back on it. Satan has taken me in at the most vulnerable times in my life and has ruined me. I never thought I could be the same person I used to be. The morning that N
broke up with me, I had an old friend text me and ask me to go party
with her and do drugs. And I've been working on that and I had no
desire to do anything like that because I was depressed. But, I have
been happy to say I've been sober and happy about it for about 3
months. And I didn't know that Satan had that power, it's like he told
my friend to ask me at that moment cause he knew exactly what has been
happening. Satan also knows how much I've felt alone and insecure about
things. I have felt unhappy and felt a piece of me missing. I thought
N was the missing piece, but now I'm coming to realize that the piece
doesn't come from someone else, it comes from within yourself.

I thought about going back to church just for N. To show that I was
happy to go back with him and be married and have a forever family with
him. But I knew that in my heart it would NEVER work out that way if I
did it for him.

I'm doing this for myself.

I asked dad for a fathers blessing about 2 hours ago. Ever since last night I've
been non-stop crying. But after the blessing I haven't shed a tear.
Yes, I've teared up. But not one little drop has left my eye. Ha.

For this next week, I'm working on myself and where I stand in my faith.
I'm going to be praying and trying to wake up early to work out (I've
been getting fat :P ) (pregnancy fat)and feel good about myself and study some
scriptures. I have not told N anything about this, and I don't plan
on it. Because it's not for him. It's for me.

I have never had a feeling this right before. It's like what I'm supposed to do. I've been talking to a few friends that have been struggling about going back to
church but wanting to go. And when I told them that's what I'm going to
do, I set an example for them. Like N had set for me. They are going
to try their hardest like I am.


I'm happier now so that way when you come home from your mission that I won't feel like I'm hiding anything or that you'll judge me from all the bad that I'm doing and that I'm actually going to be doing good.

I'm sorry this letter is so long and that you have to write everyone back and stuff. But I just thought I would let you know what was going on.
And I've always known that the church was true. I've had it hidden in my heart and it just wasn't ready to come out until someone had to make it come unhidden by their testimony and their strength. I hope to strengthen mine and become a better
person than I am right now. And to not be afraid to find out who I am.
I'm so happy for what you're doing for the Lord because people need to know the truth and feel this happiness as well.
Thank you.

I know it's hard for someone of you to grasp the real feeling, but I challenge you to find your inner happiness and what makes you happy. It may be God, praying, your family, or yourself. And I know most of you are like, "N's stupid, do this by yourself." If you took the heart and time to read that letter. You know it wouldn't be without him that I'd have the courage to tell you all about having my own "conversion" story. I was BIC (born in the covenant) but I call it my conversion story because I never really learned for myself why the church has been important.
I wrote that letter on January 11th, I found out I was pregnant January 23rd.

P.S. sorry the font is so small. If you want you can copy and paste it and make the font bigger. If I make it bigger you won't be able to read all of it.

Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.

Motivated

Okay, we're going to be moving off the baby subject. Lately, I have been so grouchy towards everyone. I have felt unmotivated to do anything. I got sick and didn't go to class or my externship. So all I've been doing is trying to not think about finishing school or not wanting to because it feels like it'll take forever to get done! Then on top of that I have to think about getting pregnant and being reminded everyday that I am. I've told my friends to just pretend I'm not for the day or something because I don't want to think about my baby growing up in this messed up world. Ugh.

Today I didn't go to my extern, someone made me stay up really late last night! Ha. So I thought about going to West Ridge (it's the school I graduated from) and seeing people but there was only one or two people I would see that I knew. It's near Salt Lake. :[ I'll just have to visit them soon. I ended up calling one of my friends from West Ridge who had her baby about two months ago. I would post pictures of her baby but I don't think she wants them posted for the whole world to see, people would be jealous. ;]

Then afterwards I applied for a job at Western Wats, it's a call center. But I'm thinking I'll be huge soon and I don't think I want to be up and running around at the Dubs (it's a fast food place where I work now) being 8 months pregnant! But I could change my mind.

I went to school at 6. And I've been dreading going to school because I've been feeling like it's taking forever to get done and that I'll never finish. I'm supposed to have 450 classroom hours and 300 extern hours. An externship is an unpaid internship. I have 12 for observation hours. Then I started on the 23rd of March at my general dentist's office. Altogether I have 32 hours (I've been sick for the last week, okay! And unmotivated! HA). So I have 10% of my hours done. I have to have half of my hours at a general dentist and half at a specialty. The specialty I am choosing is...
Orthodontics!

I was going to do pediatric dentist but that's the same hours of a general dentist and if I keep my baby, I'm probably not going to be happy seeing my baby 6 weeks straight to not seeing it at all for 9 hours. And at an orthodontics office it's slow in the morning and more concentrated on one patient because they're either putting on or taking off braces. Then in the afternoon you're just debanding and re-adjusting wires (I'm sure it's a harder job then it sounds but I'll make it work). So I've been thinking to work in the afternoon because time goes by faster and they need more people working around that time. And I think it'd be perfect. And I think I'm also excited to do it because we did a LONG chapter tonight on Orthodontics.

I figured out my hours and I only go Monday-Thursday each week to school and it's 4 hours a night. I've been doing that since August. And I've had like 140 hours from last year. So it SAVED me. We figured out my hours and started tomorrow is the countdown when I'm done with school. 10 more days! Can I just list the days I have school? It just makes me excited to write it out :] April 7-9. 13-15. (16th is spring break) 20-23. And I'm DONE!!! YAY!!!

So after the 23rd I can start working nights at the Dubs and make more money, save, and pay off my car debt, (and my ticket). Yep, I got a stop sign violation ticket last Wednesday. Incredible. I did a rolling stop. I just looked to see if anyone was coming so they weren't so I went and there was a cop hiding in the dark. YES. I LOVE them. This was my 2nd time being pulled over. My first time was because my license plate light was out and I was FREAKING out. It was my first time ever being pulled over and I didn't know why. Yep. The 2nd time I was more chill. But I got a ticket. :[

Anyway, so with my extern hours I'll probably try and find an ortho office on Wednesday after my doctors appointment. I will work in the mornings for my general dentist from 8-lunch (around 1) Then work at the ortho office from 2-4 (or 5 until their last patient) and do that Monday-Thursday. Incredibleeeeeee.

I feel a lot more happy and motivated to know almost everything is done and coming into place. I figured out that if I did monday through wednesday 8-5 I would be done with my hours the beginning of July. But adding on an extra day I'll probably done by mid June. Between the week of the 22-25 I should be done. I totally just figured that out. Ha. I'm so lame.

Anyway, I did take some new pictures of my belly at 16 weeks. :]


I've been sick so I'm skinnier :[


I was listening to Dawson McAllister last night on 97.1 and he said something that sounded pretty real and true to me. He said, "We're wired to carry other peoples burdens besides our own." That's pretty much me. I try to help other people out as much as I can, or sometimes I don't even try to. I said that quote to someone today and they said, "Can I just disconnect you somehow so you can be happy all the time?" I like to put peoples happiness before my own happiness and that's what gets me feeling stuck most of the time.

I think that's how I feel with this whole situation with N. I get all the time, it's YOUR decision with YOUR baby. N doesn't have to be involved at all. But if people ever saw N the way I do, it hurts him to not know how to be involved. So I try as much as I can to make him be involved and put him first when I need to do other things first. :/

Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.

THE appointment.

Yeah, I highly doubt some of you have been sitting around waiting at your computer for me to post a new blog about my appointment. There has been some family "issues" so that is the reason why I didn't post yesterday.

Well, I got to LDS family services and was waiting for Loni to call me back. And N walked in. He sat next to me but didn't say hi. Like two minutes later I did to fill the silence. There was other people in the lobby but he didn't say anything.
Loni took us back. And we sat down and first we talked about what we both wanted. N went first and said he still wanted adoption because he believed it was best for the baby. Then it was my turn and I said I didn't know what I wanted to do yet but I wanted to figure it out for myself instead of just doing what people told me.
Then she went back and forth about pros and cons for adoption and single parenting.

My pros for adoption: To find a good family to raise my baby in the gospel and give my baby the life that I probably wouldn't be able to provide for it right away.
His pros: Basically the same thing.
My cons: I don't want the baby to lose it's identity and hate me or not want to talk to me because I wouldn't really be in it's life. And I would be afraid of finding and placing my baby with a bad family.
His cons: Just the family part.

My pros for single parenting: Having the baby grow up and with me and know it's mother and be able to care for him/her or take care of him/her.
His pros: Getting to know the baby I guess? Ha. I don't really remember.
My cons: Not being able to provide everything financially at first. Living pay check to pay check most likely.
His cons: He didn't want to give the baby false hope like if he came to visit for like a birthday party or something he didn't want the baby to think his parents would be getting back together.

Then she asked us for the pros and cons of us getting married or not getting married. Ugh, this was hard and frustrating because I had no idea that she would ask us this. And she said she normally doesn't do this.

My pros: The baby having two parents. And knowing the parents.
His pros: Same thing.
My cons: He doesn't have feelings for me anymore so it would be wrong to be together just because we're having a baby.
His cons: We both want different things so it wouldn't work.

Oh and she also asked us the pros and cons of our relationship before.

My pros: We got along and it felt like a pretty trustworthy relationship.
His pros: We had an easy going relationship and we didn't argue and we got along fine.
My cons: He didn't have a job while we were together and he got one after we did.
His cons: Things changed and we wanted different things.

Basically what he said about single parenting that he would pay child support and want part custody and stuff. And that he still cared about me but he's trying to figure out his life and go back to school so it wouldn't be a good time to get married right now. Or he probably just doesn't even want to marry me.

I felt like it was an awful session. I'm not going to lie. It's not because I didn't get to "hear everything I wanted." I guess he said something and he turned to me and he's like, "You're mad about what I said. I can tell." And I said I wasn't mad. Then Loni was like, "Stefanie, what's making you mad?" What I can tell you that makes me mad is that people accuse me of being mad. I had unanswered questions and feelings. So it was hard for me to know how I was feeling or say the right things at the right time.

I guess he wants to be involved that's why he doesn't want to give up his rights as a father. And also, I said to him that I didn't want him to feel like the baby was a burden or just a pay check you had to pay every month. He said it wouldn't be like that but I can't prove it. All I get to do is sit around and wait for things to happen or whenever he feels like being involved. He told me the reason why he was abandoning before was because he didn't know what to say most of the time or give me false hope like we would get back together or he would hurt me again. And all I said, No matter what you do, if you sit around and do nothing, you will hurt me. If you be involved, you will hurt me, you don't win either way but that's life.
Or it came out like that. Ha. I hope.

Anyway, we're not allowed to see each other or hang out (not like we were anyway) but if I call him it has to be a legitimate reason or about the baby. And if he doesn't answer when I call he has 24-72 hours to call me back. And the same for me to him.

Ugh, I've just been emotionally exhausted the past couple of days and don't even want to face the world. I ended up going out with my friend Joy and I told her not to mention to me at all that I'm pregnant. I was really upset that I didn't even want to think about it.
And I've been taking some medicine for anti-nausea and it makes me really tired. And I worked a 9 1/2 hour shift today. Go general conference!

Blah.

Well, that's the story of the appointment. No biggie to you. But to me, it's a whole other ball game.

Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.

I hate making up titles.

I always seem to run out of titles. I don't want to put something so obvious that you already know what my blog would be about then you wouldn't read it!

I'm still semi-sick. I ended up having to call my OB/GYN and the nurse called back and gave me a prescription for anti-nausea medicine because I was having a hard time keeping everything down. I couldn't even hold down water. I didn't even have bad morning sickness at all my first trimester. Then all of a sudden I'm sick. But my little sister did have the flu. So I probably caught some of that. But I'm getting better and hope to be well on my feet on Monday for work and school.

Well, I went to my group yesterday. It was a single parent panel and so single parents came and talked to us and answered questions. One girl was 16 the other was in her 20's.

Let's see. After the group, I talked to my caseworker, Loni. And so it's official that me, her, and N are meeting tomorrow for a session. But I am scared out of my mind! I asked her what everything they talked about and stuff. And I guess he didn't really say a lot. He asked her if I was going to single parent. And she told him I was looking at that but wasn't for sure. Then asked him what he would do if I did that. And he said that he would help pay money but he probably wouldn't ever want visitation. Loni thinks he's pretty much settled on that, even after the baby is born. She doesn't think he'll change his mind. But I broke out in tears when I heard her say that. It just hurts my heart that he would do that to his own child. Basically, feel like the only responsibility he has is to pay child support.
I mean, what do I say tomorrow without getting mad at him just walking out? I guess he told her he feels bad about jumping ship but he feels like he won't be a good father. Well, especially cause he started working at Wal*Mart in January and still wants to go back to school. Yes, he wants a family and to get married but not anytime soon. I just don't want him to regret later when he does get married and have a family and his wife goes through it. I don't want him to think of how much he missed out.

There's days where it's hard for me to be excited to have a baby. And those are the toughest to try to make it through the day.

I honestly don't know what to say tomorrow to him. I'm just going to have to pray lots for the next few hours to find the right words to say without being angry. :/
Wish me luck and maybe a few prayers would be nice! Ha.

Don't judge my journey until you've walked my path.