Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Labor&Delivery Picture Slideshow
I also wanted to add in some stories that I forgot.
Before N and I went to the hospital when he was telling me he felt bad that I was in pain and felt so useless. I remember looking through my folder of papers that Tandi (my doula) gave me and one of them said, "Tips for partners." I gave it to him. I really had no idea what was on the paper until he gave it back to me. And he tried some of the things. He read out loud one of them that said to relax your face and body and try not to tense up and breathe through the contractions. I got frustrated while trying to do that, I gave up on that. And I was just walking around at one point and had a contraction and he said to me, "Don't worry, you're fine and the baby is fine. Everyone is okay." And I guess on there it said to reassure your partner and let them know everything is alright. Haha.
Tandi also did some acupressure points on my hand to get natural contractions since they had kind of been not so strong after I took like a 20 minute nap. She got out some body massage oil and used it on my hands and she said to tell the nurses we were just doing hand massage since they get mad about doing stuff like that. And when the nurse came in, she said to me, "It smells really good in here. Does someone have on lotion?" And I just turned my head and said, "Yep." Like it was some secret. Yeah, I'm weird.
My sister's Katrina and RuthAnn went to the dubs while I was in labor. I guess they have a new little 25 cent toy machine there. And they got these stick on mustaches and beauty marks. You'll see in the slide show of me wearing them. Basically, hilarious.
When my dad arrived, he gave me a blessing. D and my dad both put their hands on my head. I honestly don't really remember what was said but I was crying through the whole thing and felt really at peace that everything was going to be okay with the baby and with me.
When I was pushing, the nurse said to me, "You're pushing her out like she's your 5th kid!" What can I say? I'm pretty much pro at popping out babies. :P
My sister RuthAnn made an accidental video on my camera when Olivia was born. It's really only 5 seconds long... the delivery wasn't that fast. It was that she realized she was making a video and she turned it off really quick. I secretly wished that she kept it going or someone had recorded it. But the nurse earlier said not to. Boo.
Almost everyone in the delivery room was telling me that Olivia looked just like me and I looked up at N one time when someone said that and he said, "I don't care. You did all the work."
When Olivia came back from the nursery and her frosted hair (dark roots and blonde tips) was poking out and styled. RuthAnn told me her hair reminded her of a scene in the movie, 17 Again. When Ned and Mike were sitting outside the principal's office waiting to see if he could be enrolled into the high school. Ned asks Mike about his clothes because they're ridiculous and so when Ned insults Mike, Mike says to him, "Well... What are you wearing? I told you to dress up like a dad. You look like Clay Aiken!" Ned says, "Leave Clay out of this."
So I guess Olivia's hair was styled like Ned's/Clay Aiken's hair.
When N left that night I gave him a kiss on the cheek. It wasn't anything romantic it was just kind of like a thank you for being there. I'll go more into detail about our situation now in a different post.
P.S. If anyone else from the delivery room has any memories that they have or something funny that was said that I didn't post. Leave it in a comment. I obviously miss a lot of things because I'm more preoccupied having a baby then remembering what was said.
Expect the next blog post to be about the two days in the hospital.
Then the pictures from the two days.
I have posted another post below of one week old Olivia.
:)
Monday, September 28, 2009
Labor and Delivery
Hey everyone,
Thanks so much for your support. I figure I need to start posting and get everyone caught up on everything or else I'll forget important things that were said or what has happened. And I haven't really been feeling up to posting until now.
Well, on September 22. Andee had texted me and told me she was babysitting her cousin's kids who lived near me and if I wanted to come over. I was sort of in the mood for walking and I told her that they didn't live that far from me and that I'd just walk there. It took an hour and a half for me to walk over there. We sat and talked for a while about what had happened with N. I remember saying to her that if I were to have Olivia tomorrow that I'd be ready and that I feel at peace about the adoption and just want to be done being pregnant and see her. She and I went to JCW's and got food. Which was delicious. I got the kids hickory bacon burger and a kids cheese fry. And we talked some more about adoption and about my couple and she gave me advice about things. I always have a good time hanging out with Andee and I love her to death :)
That night I went to bed around 1. Towards the end of my pregnancy I could never get to sleep and obviously, I still can't because it's 12:30. Anyway, I was sort of in and out of sleep from feeling crampy and back achey. I'm just like, great. I'm going to go into false labor again. I slept through most of it but I couldn't take it anymore around 6 in the morning. So I got up and my mom told me to try to go back to sleep. So I tried for about an hour and I couldn't because I was having contractions and they would wake me up. I started walking around my house and my mom asked if I wanted her to stay home just in case if I really was in labor. I told her no because I told her it was probably false. Last time that happened I went and took a shower and my contractions went away. So I took a bath in my parents jacuzzi/bath tub, oh yeah, with jets listening to the Owl City soundtrack. Heaven. During that I was texting my sister Erika because she just had her 3rd baby, August 12th and I thought she could help me out with things. She asked me about keeping track of my contractions and I told her I was being lazy and didn't want to because last time I tried that they went away, I figured it would be bad luck.
I got out of the bathtub and wrote D and V an e-mail at 8:19 and it says,
"Hey there.
I thought I should let you know, I would call but I don't want to freak anyone out. I've been up most of the night with back aches and crampiness. I've been up since about 6 this morning walking around and having contractions. I'm afraid it might be false labor. I'm just barely keeping track of my contractions now to see if they're consistent at all. So who knows, Olivia might be coming today or tomorrow. And we'll see at the doctors if anything has happened or if I'm really in labor. Just thought I'd give you a heads up. :)"
I was keeping track while getting ready and they were coming about 6-7 minutes apart lasting 30 seconds to a minute. I texted N around 9:33 and said,
"My doctors appointment is in less than an hour. But also I've been up half the night. And I've been having contractions since about 6 this morning. So we might be having a baby today. :)"
I texted my sisters and my caseworker and some of my close friends telling them I might be having Olivia. I luckily, had a scheduled doctors appointment on 23rd at 10:20 in the morning. My sister RuthAnn was on facebook chat and I told her that Olivia might be coming and she said to me that she had a feeling I would be having her. I was going to leave my house at 9:50 to get gas and head over to my doctors. Then... my car wouldn't start. I had run my car completely out of gas. N hadn't texted me back at all that morning and I was surprised because I told him about my appointment the night before and asked him if he wanted to go and he said if he could wake up he would. Well, I called his phone and it said, "This persons phone that you have called is either turned off or out of service." When we were dating, he would forget to pay his phone bill and that's what would happen when his phone bill wasn't paid. The universe was SO against me having Olivia that day. First, my car is out of gas. Second, N forgot to pay his phone bill and I have no other way of getting a hold of him.
I called D and V hoping they weren't at the doctors already and that we could just car pool. They were at the point of the mountain so luckily, they stopped by and gave me a ride. They got my e-mail and were very excited and wanted to know everything. I let them know about N not answering his phone or my texts so they were a bit worried. They were very surprised with how calm I was about it because my contractions were coming about every 5 minutes and last a minute long. On my way to the doctors I called my doula, Tandi, she's sort of my birthing coach, you can say. I told her about the contractions and how far apart they were and that I was going to get checked at the doctors and let her know after that.
I got to the doctors a little bit late but the doctor was also behind on her schedule because there were so many patients she needed to see. I didn't get seen by the doctor until about 11. So during that time while I was waiting I texted N's brother and told him to try to get a hold of N for me because I might be in labor.
The medical assistant checked my blood pressure but I was finishing a contraction so it was pretty high. The doctor checked my blood pressure in between my contraction, it was still pretty high but I'm in early stages of labor, hello. She checked me and I was at a 3 and 90% effaced. She asked me, "Is that any different from last time?" I told her, "Kind of a lot different. I was a 1 and 75%" She was asking me how i was feeling about going over to the hospital and getting an epidural within 20 minutes. I shook my head and told her no way. I, myself, wanted to wait it out just so I could be mobile and do things instead of sitting around in the hospital bed for hours. She said I could go home and see how things progress and if things slow down then I can wait until tomorrow and come in and check to be admitted around 9 in the morning but if things get worse then to just go in. But she wouldn't be the on call doctor until the next morning. So that night I would have a different doctor.
I got out and told D and V. They had errands to run during the day in the valley and so they were about to drop me off at my house and then I thought it would be a good idea to go to N's and see if he's there or if he's at work. I mean, come on, of all days his phone is turned off?! haha. When we got there N was outside about ready to leave to go to a gas station and call me and see what was going on because recieved the texts but not until then. Around that time it was already noon. He told me he was freaking out that I was already having my baby.
We decided that D and V were going to drop me off at my house and I was going to pack my hospital bag. Yeah, I hadn't even packed my bag because I didn't think I was going to go into labor on my own because Olivia is my first. N was going to go to the Cricket store and pay his phone bill. D and V were going to run their errands and stay close by. N came over and I was packing my bag and trying to get it all ready. N was playing with Jasper. We have to cover up part of my couch with a blanket or else Jasper will claw at it and ruin the furniture. Well, in the blanket, there was a hole and Jasper would stick his paw through there and try to get N. And at one point, Jasper backed up and full speed ran into the blanket hole trying to get his head through it. Probably the most hilarious thing ever.
We said bye to the animals. We went to N's house and hung out there because his house is much closer to the hospital then mine. On the way there he was getting freaked out because of my contractions and I would just tense up and try to breathe through the contractions. He was asking me why in the movies they make it seem like you have a baby right away. Like your water breaks and then 5 minutes later you're about to have a baby. I told him it's because it's a movie and that they don't have enough time to make a 19 hour movie of labor and delivery and it'd be boring. And that sometimes it is like that. Except for the 5 minutes later. After your water breaks everything goes by fast.
We got to his house and watched 17 Again. I was keeping myself hydrated by drinking water. N was sort of getting freaked out in the movie because in one scene it talks about having a baby girl and holding her and stuff. He would look over at me everytime I would make noise by a contraction and ask me if I was okay. And he said he felt bad and useless because he couldn't really do anything and I was in pain. I went to the bathroom and texted Erika at 2:35 and told her that I thought I lost part of my mucous plug. I would text people and tell them that within an hour or so I would be going to the hospital. We ended up waiting until 17 Again was over and I called my doula and told her they were still about 5 minutes apart. But I hadn't really been keeping track because I was watching a movie. N was massaging parts of my lower back whenever I would get a contraction and he said to me that my contractions were closer together like 2-3 minutes apart. At 3:30 is when I decided we needed to go to the hospital soon. But I was waiting for D and V to get there and they were grabbing Sonic for us. I told N we'd probably have to eat on the way there because my contractions were starting to hurt very badly at that point. It was my fault though that I hadn't told D and V earlier about my painful contractions. They said they would meet us outside the hospital with our food so we could eat.
I only had two pieces of toast before I left for my doctors appointment.
When we got to the hospital, I pretty much was thinking, screw food. I am in pain right now and want an epidural and want Olivia out. N helped me walk through the parking lot and we got to information and I said, "Um, I'm having a baby. I haven't pre-admitted or anything." So she told me to go over to one of the tellers and admit. Ha. I don't know. So I went over and said, "I'm having a baby." She asked me if I needed to go up right away or if I could sit down and admit. And I told her I could sit down. I didn't have any of my insurance information on me but my mom was on her way. She just gave me my stuff and sent me up. But before that I had a big contraction and had to stand by some chairs and one lady walked by and asked if I needed to sit down. I told her no and that I was just having a baby. Haha.
I texted my mom at 4:03 told her we were going up to the 3rd floor to labor and delivery. I told N to call D and V and tell them that. My sister RuthAnn was on her way from Provo and my sister Katrina was on her way from Salt Lake.
When we got up there, there was a phone that you pick up and tell them things so they can let you in. I just said to them, I'm having a baby. They asked if I was waiting to be admitted or scheduled induction. I told them waiting to be admitted and they brought me in. N and I went into the first triage room and they told me to put on a hospital gown. I didn't know if I was supposed to take off my clothes because I didn't even know if I was being admitted at that point. And the nurse came in and I asked and she said yes and she'd be back in a minute while I change. So I did that. She checked me and told me I was at a 4 and 90% but she felt my bag of waters. They put on monitors to check the baby's heartbeat and my contractions to see the frequency of them and they would for an hour. But she was thinking I was going to be admitted and have a baby that day, and I said, "Well, I think so too."
My sister RuthAnn came in and told me that she was having sympathy back pains for me. Haha.
Before the put me into the next room, I think it was 3? I'm not quite sure. I had a BIG contraction and it hurt so bad that I was in tears. And that's when the nurses came in and said, "You're being admitted." We walked over and they started things really quickly. N stayed by my side the whole time and just held my hand during the IV. They tried to put it in my right arm by my wrist but couldn't find a vein. They honestly dug around for about 3 minutes and it was so painful and couldn't do it. Then they moved over to my left wrist and blew the vein. So they ended up calling someone else in to do it and they put it in my left hand. The nurses told me my veins suck. Thanks, I guess.
The anesthesiologist came in next and explained to me the epidural. Everyone had to leave but N. And he stayed with me and held my hands. The worst part about the epidural was the numbing shot before they put in the epidural. I didn't feel the epidural at all. So that was really nice. I recommend the epidural to anyone and everyone. After the epidural, everyone came back in. The nurse checked me and I was at a 5. Right after she checked me, my water broke and that was at about 5:30. I looked at the nurse and told her, "I'm not sure if I just peed myself or my water broke." She checked with this thing and if it turned blue that meant it was my water breaking. And it was.
They went over my birth plan with me and told me what I could and couldn't do. I did want a video of Olivia being born but the nurse said they wouldn't allow it.
Dr. Jones was the on call doctor. He came in around 6:15 and said he was going to break my water for me and I told him it already was. He checked and he said it was and I was still at a 5. He said that normally they want me dilating about a centimeter an hour. I was pretty tired since I didn't get much sleep. My doula came in and was talking to me about everything. I was really liking the epidural because I still had control of my legs and felt the pressure of the contractions but I couldn't feel the pain. I slept for probably about 20 minutes and woke up and felt pretty refreshed. It felt like I slept for an hour. Just 20 minutes. Around 7 I think I was at a 6 1/2 and so she gave me a low dose of pitocin to speed things up. My doula came over and did some accupressure on my hand to get contractions as natural as possible and to keep them coming because that's the reason why they gave me pitocin. While I was resting, my contractions were rarely ever coming.
At 8:09 (atleast, that's when I posted it on my facebook) they checked me and I was at an 8. And that was nice. Contractions were still coming and I loved feeling when they would come with the pressure and stuff. My stomach would just get rock hard. At that time, I started getting emotional. I really don't know why. At about 8:45 it honestly was feeling like I had to crap. Ha. My biggest fear during the delivery was to poop in front of everyone. I was having a ton of people in the room. Or people walking in right after she was born. I could care less about people seeing me, spread eagle, but cared more about poop. Haha. And I was starting to feel pain but I didn't want to press the epidural button because I was afraid that it was soon that I would start pushing and I wanted to feel the pressure.
I had everyone leave so I could talk to the nurse about pooping. She checked me and told me I had no stool and not to worry about it and that it's natural. She checked me and told me I was at a 9 1/2 but I still had a lip that needed to go but she told me that I probably felt like I needed to go poop was the pressure and the baby's head was just really low. N and my doula Tandi came back in and my nurse started having me push just so she could get the lip over the baby's head. I had a really hard time pushing at first because I wouldn't hold my breath in and would breathe out with each push. She told me she was able to get the lip over her head and hope that it would stay there.
People were coming in one by one. I was getting pretty emotional. I was like, WHAT?! I'm at a 9 1/2. Olivia is going to be here any minute. And I was in some pretty good amount of pain. The nurse noticed and she got the anesthesiologist to come in and gave me half a dose of the epidural which helped out a lot. Around 9:10 the nurse had me start pushing. Tandi was holding my left leg and my sister Katrina was holding my right. The nurse had me hold my thighs with my hands and N would support my neck while I pushed. When you push, one push is considered pushing for 10 seconds then taking a breath and doing that two more times. So a total of 30 seconds about. I did two pushes and the nurse said, hold on, your baby's head is almost out so we're going to call the doctor. I was freaking PISSED. I tried not to get mad but I was like, I WANT TO PUSH. I NEED TO PUSH. If I tried not to push it would hurt more than anything. So with each contraction I would do little pushes. It honestly felt like the doctor took FOREVER. When the doctor did get there, he brought in his cart of stuff for the baby, he came over and said he was ready for me to push.
I did one push and he said, "Okay, one more push and your baby is out. But would you rather tear on your own or have an episiotomy." I was like, "uhhh... which is better?" He said, "Well, with a tear it can go anywhere and it would probably be worse for it to heal but with an episiotomy you just have one cut and I can stitch you up." I really wanted to avoid an episiotomy because I heard of stories where ladies push and the tear can rip from hole to hole. I kind of was freaking out. RuthAnn noticed and said to me, "He's saying that he'll do an episiotomy if he has to. He won't if he doesn't." But the doctor knew he had to, and I didn't. I told him it was okay if he had to.
I really didn't even do one push. I did one 10 second push and with that he did the episiotomy and I kind of felt it. It was almost like a shot and her head came out. And everyone was ooing and awing about how beautiful she was and I was kind of mad because the doctor was getting all the stuff out of her mouth and I couldn't see anything. I'm like, WHAT THE HECK?! SHOW ME MY BABY! Then he grabbed her by the shoulders and just pulled her out. It was the weirdest sensation to feel that. It felt like my belly went empty. I couldn't even believe it.
Everyone was telling me before that the doctor will hold up my baby before but they just layed out a blanket on my belly and put her on me.
Right after she came out, I heard her cry and that's when I started crying. I just looked at her and all I could do was cry. I couldn't do anything else but cry. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I couldn't even believe that she came out of me. I was just so ready to hold her up close to me and just gaze at her. It almost sounds creepy. I was trying to think of the first words that I would say to her but I couldn't say anything. I was speechless. I then started saying hi over and over. I couldn't believe it that she was here. She had a head full of hair and the most beautiful face and eyes. She looked at me like she knew who I was.
I can honestly say that 10 months was SO worth the wait. Katrina asked me later on if I would go through pregnancy and child birth again after all this and I said, "In a heartbeat just because of the end result."
The worst part about labor and delivery is right after they delivered her the doctor was massaging (more like having a beat down) on my belly. It was honestly bruised on the inside. He was kneading it through like dough. I guess he was just making sure I wasn't hemorraging? I'm not sure. He then had to stitch me up. I remember looking up at N after she was born and he just smiled at me.
The doctor asked who was cutting cord and N said he was and he went over and cut the cord.
They took her over where they cleaned her off some more and weighed and measured her. She was 7 lbs .05 oz but they rounded up to 1 oz. She was 20 inches long. I remember when the doctor was stitching me up, N was holding my hand. And he was looking over at Olivia and I told him he could go over there. And he kind of looked at me like, "Are you sure?" And I said, "Just go. I'm okay." And he went over there and watched everything and I was looking over at her and at one point she grabbed on to one of the nurses gloves and just latched on. haha.
N was holding her and after they had me all cleaned up they brought her over but I couldn't hold her at the time because they blood pressure thing was going. Lame. So I just looked at her. But as soon as they placed her in my arms again, the tears started coming down. I honestly, fell in love with her. I couldn't handle it. It was still so unreal to me that she came out of me. She was crying and stuff and kept telling her she was okay. Of course, there were a million people in the room.
All who was at delivery was, My mom, my friend Jessica who I went on the hike with to induce labor, Tandi, my sisters Katrina and RuthAnn, D and V. My dad and little sister K walked in after they heard her first cries. I honestly, did not care who was all there because I wanted Olivia out of me.
I was able to bottle feed her for the first time and she was so hungry and I got to burp her. She is a REALLY good burper which rocks.
It was honestly an incredible experience and would do it all over again. Even through all the chaos and excitement I was feeling really content and at peace, at least for that time.
They took Olivia to the nursery. They give me and someone I choose to have a bracelet to go to the nursery with her when they clean her. I chose N and he went and took videos of her bath and I just barely saw them yesterday and loved them. I was glad I choose him because he got to spend that time with her and bond with her. RuthAnn stayed up with me while I waited for the nurses to come and help me to the bathroom. We just talked about the labor and the delivery even though she was there for all of that. And she asked me how I was feeling emotionally and about the adoption. And I told her I was feeling good.
I remember at one point I did talk to Erika on the phone but I was a little bit distracted obviously after having a baby. She asked me the same question I think.
They took me down to room 207 and I was able to see her. I don't think I cried that time. But I got to see her beautiful hair all cleaned up. She had SO much hair. And the coolest part about it, it almost looked highlighted/frosted. She has dark roots and blonde tips. This is not a joke.
My mom ended up staying the first night with me in the hospital. She had to go home and grab her over night stuff. N and Katrina stayed with me until my mom came back and that was around midnight. I really couldn't sleep at all. I had so much energy in me after delivering and I wanted to be awake and look at Olivia. She's so precious and beautiful.
I didn't want to put her in her bassinet. I would wake up to her little noises and so I finally just had her sleep next to me all night. I had to wake her up to feed her and the cutest part about burping her is that she will tilt her head up and try to look at you. She is just so alert during that part and that's what I loved the most was seeing her wide awake and looking at me. I think I fed her at 3 and at 6 and then stayed awake from 6 to about 9 and got tired and took an hour nap with her. Then around 10:30 N came back over and stayed all day with me and my mom went home.
I'll finish the rest of the next two days at the hospital on another post and same with placement and post placement.
How I'm feeling now, I'm doing better. I still cry every night before I go to sleep because I won't be sleeping next to her. And then I wake up every morning crying because she wasn't next to me when I woke up. But after I see her I honestly feel a lot better and feel a lot more at peace with my decision.
Thanks all who have been following my journey and have been there to support me. I still haven't finished my journey and I don't think I ever will. :)
My next post will actually be a picture blog post of the labor and delivery and the pictures of the night and morning after so you get a visual. I'll try not to post too graphic of pictures from the delivery.
Love you all.
Thanks so much for your support. I figure I need to start posting and get everyone caught up on everything or else I'll forget important things that were said or what has happened. And I haven't really been feeling up to posting until now.
Well, on September 22. Andee had texted me and told me she was babysitting her cousin's kids who lived near me and if I wanted to come over. I was sort of in the mood for walking and I told her that they didn't live that far from me and that I'd just walk there. It took an hour and a half for me to walk over there. We sat and talked for a while about what had happened with N. I remember saying to her that if I were to have Olivia tomorrow that I'd be ready and that I feel at peace about the adoption and just want to be done being pregnant and see her. She and I went to JCW's and got food. Which was delicious. I got the kids hickory bacon burger and a kids cheese fry. And we talked some more about adoption and about my couple and she gave me advice about things. I always have a good time hanging out with Andee and I love her to death :)
That night I went to bed around 1. Towards the end of my pregnancy I could never get to sleep and obviously, I still can't because it's 12:30. Anyway, I was sort of in and out of sleep from feeling crampy and back achey. I'm just like, great. I'm going to go into false labor again. I slept through most of it but I couldn't take it anymore around 6 in the morning. So I got up and my mom told me to try to go back to sleep. So I tried for about an hour and I couldn't because I was having contractions and they would wake me up. I started walking around my house and my mom asked if I wanted her to stay home just in case if I really was in labor. I told her no because I told her it was probably false. Last time that happened I went and took a shower and my contractions went away. So I took a bath in my parents jacuzzi/bath tub, oh yeah, with jets listening to the Owl City soundtrack. Heaven. During that I was texting my sister Erika because she just had her 3rd baby, August 12th and I thought she could help me out with things. She asked me about keeping track of my contractions and I told her I was being lazy and didn't want to because last time I tried that they went away, I figured it would be bad luck.
I got out of the bathtub and wrote D and V an e-mail at 8:19 and it says,
"Hey there.
I thought I should let you know, I would call but I don't want to freak anyone out. I've been up most of the night with back aches and crampiness. I've been up since about 6 this morning walking around and having contractions. I'm afraid it might be false labor. I'm just barely keeping track of my contractions now to see if they're consistent at all. So who knows, Olivia might be coming today or tomorrow. And we'll see at the doctors if anything has happened or if I'm really in labor. Just thought I'd give you a heads up. :)"
I was keeping track while getting ready and they were coming about 6-7 minutes apart lasting 30 seconds to a minute. I texted N around 9:33 and said,
"My doctors appointment is in less than an hour. But also I've been up half the night. And I've been having contractions since about 6 this morning. So we might be having a baby today. :)"
I texted my sisters and my caseworker and some of my close friends telling them I might be having Olivia. I luckily, had a scheduled doctors appointment on 23rd at 10:20 in the morning. My sister RuthAnn was on facebook chat and I told her that Olivia might be coming and she said to me that she had a feeling I would be having her. I was going to leave my house at 9:50 to get gas and head over to my doctors. Then... my car wouldn't start. I had run my car completely out of gas. N hadn't texted me back at all that morning and I was surprised because I told him about my appointment the night before and asked him if he wanted to go and he said if he could wake up he would. Well, I called his phone and it said, "This persons phone that you have called is either turned off or out of service." When we were dating, he would forget to pay his phone bill and that's what would happen when his phone bill wasn't paid. The universe was SO against me having Olivia that day. First, my car is out of gas. Second, N forgot to pay his phone bill and I have no other way of getting a hold of him.
I called D and V hoping they weren't at the doctors already and that we could just car pool. They were at the point of the mountain so luckily, they stopped by and gave me a ride. They got my e-mail and were very excited and wanted to know everything. I let them know about N not answering his phone or my texts so they were a bit worried. They were very surprised with how calm I was about it because my contractions were coming about every 5 minutes and last a minute long. On my way to the doctors I called my doula, Tandi, she's sort of my birthing coach, you can say. I told her about the contractions and how far apart they were and that I was going to get checked at the doctors and let her know after that.
I got to the doctors a little bit late but the doctor was also behind on her schedule because there were so many patients she needed to see. I didn't get seen by the doctor until about 11. So during that time while I was waiting I texted N's brother and told him to try to get a hold of N for me because I might be in labor.
The medical assistant checked my blood pressure but I was finishing a contraction so it was pretty high. The doctor checked my blood pressure in between my contraction, it was still pretty high but I'm in early stages of labor, hello. She checked me and I was at a 3 and 90% effaced. She asked me, "Is that any different from last time?" I told her, "Kind of a lot different. I was a 1 and 75%" She was asking me how i was feeling about going over to the hospital and getting an epidural within 20 minutes. I shook my head and told her no way. I, myself, wanted to wait it out just so I could be mobile and do things instead of sitting around in the hospital bed for hours. She said I could go home and see how things progress and if things slow down then I can wait until tomorrow and come in and check to be admitted around 9 in the morning but if things get worse then to just go in. But she wouldn't be the on call doctor until the next morning. So that night I would have a different doctor.
I got out and told D and V. They had errands to run during the day in the valley and so they were about to drop me off at my house and then I thought it would be a good idea to go to N's and see if he's there or if he's at work. I mean, come on, of all days his phone is turned off?! haha. When we got there N was outside about ready to leave to go to a gas station and call me and see what was going on because recieved the texts but not until then. Around that time it was already noon. He told me he was freaking out that I was already having my baby.
We decided that D and V were going to drop me off at my house and I was going to pack my hospital bag. Yeah, I hadn't even packed my bag because I didn't think I was going to go into labor on my own because Olivia is my first. N was going to go to the Cricket store and pay his phone bill. D and V were going to run their errands and stay close by. N came over and I was packing my bag and trying to get it all ready. N was playing with Jasper. We have to cover up part of my couch with a blanket or else Jasper will claw at it and ruin the furniture. Well, in the blanket, there was a hole and Jasper would stick his paw through there and try to get N. And at one point, Jasper backed up and full speed ran into the blanket hole trying to get his head through it. Probably the most hilarious thing ever.
We said bye to the animals. We went to N's house and hung out there because his house is much closer to the hospital then mine. On the way there he was getting freaked out because of my contractions and I would just tense up and try to breathe through the contractions. He was asking me why in the movies they make it seem like you have a baby right away. Like your water breaks and then 5 minutes later you're about to have a baby. I told him it's because it's a movie and that they don't have enough time to make a 19 hour movie of labor and delivery and it'd be boring. And that sometimes it is like that. Except for the 5 minutes later. After your water breaks everything goes by fast.
We got to his house and watched 17 Again. I was keeping myself hydrated by drinking water. N was sort of getting freaked out in the movie because in one scene it talks about having a baby girl and holding her and stuff. He would look over at me everytime I would make noise by a contraction and ask me if I was okay. And he said he felt bad and useless because he couldn't really do anything and I was in pain. I went to the bathroom and texted Erika at 2:35 and told her that I thought I lost part of my mucous plug. I would text people and tell them that within an hour or so I would be going to the hospital. We ended up waiting until 17 Again was over and I called my doula and told her they were still about 5 minutes apart. But I hadn't really been keeping track because I was watching a movie. N was massaging parts of my lower back whenever I would get a contraction and he said to me that my contractions were closer together like 2-3 minutes apart. At 3:30 is when I decided we needed to go to the hospital soon. But I was waiting for D and V to get there and they were grabbing Sonic for us. I told N we'd probably have to eat on the way there because my contractions were starting to hurt very badly at that point. It was my fault though that I hadn't told D and V earlier about my painful contractions. They said they would meet us outside the hospital with our food so we could eat.
I only had two pieces of toast before I left for my doctors appointment.
When we got to the hospital, I pretty much was thinking, screw food. I am in pain right now and want an epidural and want Olivia out. N helped me walk through the parking lot and we got to information and I said, "Um, I'm having a baby. I haven't pre-admitted or anything." So she told me to go over to one of the tellers and admit. Ha. I don't know. So I went over and said, "I'm having a baby." She asked me if I needed to go up right away or if I could sit down and admit. And I told her I could sit down. I didn't have any of my insurance information on me but my mom was on her way. She just gave me my stuff and sent me up. But before that I had a big contraction and had to stand by some chairs and one lady walked by and asked if I needed to sit down. I told her no and that I was just having a baby. Haha.
I texted my mom at 4:03 told her we were going up to the 3rd floor to labor and delivery. I told N to call D and V and tell them that. My sister RuthAnn was on her way from Provo and my sister Katrina was on her way from Salt Lake.
When we got up there, there was a phone that you pick up and tell them things so they can let you in. I just said to them, I'm having a baby. They asked if I was waiting to be admitted or scheduled induction. I told them waiting to be admitted and they brought me in. N and I went into the first triage room and they told me to put on a hospital gown. I didn't know if I was supposed to take off my clothes because I didn't even know if I was being admitted at that point. And the nurse came in and I asked and she said yes and she'd be back in a minute while I change. So I did that. She checked me and told me I was at a 4 and 90% but she felt my bag of waters. They put on monitors to check the baby's heartbeat and my contractions to see the frequency of them and they would for an hour. But she was thinking I was going to be admitted and have a baby that day, and I said, "Well, I think so too."
My sister RuthAnn came in and told me that she was having sympathy back pains for me. Haha.
Before the put me into the next room, I think it was 3? I'm not quite sure. I had a BIG contraction and it hurt so bad that I was in tears. And that's when the nurses came in and said, "You're being admitted." We walked over and they started things really quickly. N stayed by my side the whole time and just held my hand during the IV. They tried to put it in my right arm by my wrist but couldn't find a vein. They honestly dug around for about 3 minutes and it was so painful and couldn't do it. Then they moved over to my left wrist and blew the vein. So they ended up calling someone else in to do it and they put it in my left hand. The nurses told me my veins suck. Thanks, I guess.
The anesthesiologist came in next and explained to me the epidural. Everyone had to leave but N. And he stayed with me and held my hands. The worst part about the epidural was the numbing shot before they put in the epidural. I didn't feel the epidural at all. So that was really nice. I recommend the epidural to anyone and everyone. After the epidural, everyone came back in. The nurse checked me and I was at a 5. Right after she checked me, my water broke and that was at about 5:30. I looked at the nurse and told her, "I'm not sure if I just peed myself or my water broke." She checked with this thing and if it turned blue that meant it was my water breaking. And it was.
They went over my birth plan with me and told me what I could and couldn't do. I did want a video of Olivia being born but the nurse said they wouldn't allow it.
Dr. Jones was the on call doctor. He came in around 6:15 and said he was going to break my water for me and I told him it already was. He checked and he said it was and I was still at a 5. He said that normally they want me dilating about a centimeter an hour. I was pretty tired since I didn't get much sleep. My doula came in and was talking to me about everything. I was really liking the epidural because I still had control of my legs and felt the pressure of the contractions but I couldn't feel the pain. I slept for probably about 20 minutes and woke up and felt pretty refreshed. It felt like I slept for an hour. Just 20 minutes. Around 7 I think I was at a 6 1/2 and so she gave me a low dose of pitocin to speed things up. My doula came over and did some accupressure on my hand to get contractions as natural as possible and to keep them coming because that's the reason why they gave me pitocin. While I was resting, my contractions were rarely ever coming.
At 8:09 (atleast, that's when I posted it on my facebook) they checked me and I was at an 8. And that was nice. Contractions were still coming and I loved feeling when they would come with the pressure and stuff. My stomach would just get rock hard. At that time, I started getting emotional. I really don't know why. At about 8:45 it honestly was feeling like I had to crap. Ha. My biggest fear during the delivery was to poop in front of everyone. I was having a ton of people in the room. Or people walking in right after she was born. I could care less about people seeing me, spread eagle, but cared more about poop. Haha. And I was starting to feel pain but I didn't want to press the epidural button because I was afraid that it was soon that I would start pushing and I wanted to feel the pressure.
I had everyone leave so I could talk to the nurse about pooping. She checked me and told me I had no stool and not to worry about it and that it's natural. She checked me and told me I was at a 9 1/2 but I still had a lip that needed to go but she told me that I probably felt like I needed to go poop was the pressure and the baby's head was just really low. N and my doula Tandi came back in and my nurse started having me push just so she could get the lip over the baby's head. I had a really hard time pushing at first because I wouldn't hold my breath in and would breathe out with each push. She told me she was able to get the lip over her head and hope that it would stay there.
People were coming in one by one. I was getting pretty emotional. I was like, WHAT?! I'm at a 9 1/2. Olivia is going to be here any minute. And I was in some pretty good amount of pain. The nurse noticed and she got the anesthesiologist to come in and gave me half a dose of the epidural which helped out a lot. Around 9:10 the nurse had me start pushing. Tandi was holding my left leg and my sister Katrina was holding my right. The nurse had me hold my thighs with my hands and N would support my neck while I pushed. When you push, one push is considered pushing for 10 seconds then taking a breath and doing that two more times. So a total of 30 seconds about. I did two pushes and the nurse said, hold on, your baby's head is almost out so we're going to call the doctor. I was freaking PISSED. I tried not to get mad but I was like, I WANT TO PUSH. I NEED TO PUSH. If I tried not to push it would hurt more than anything. So with each contraction I would do little pushes. It honestly felt like the doctor took FOREVER. When the doctor did get there, he brought in his cart of stuff for the baby, he came over and said he was ready for me to push.
I did one push and he said, "Okay, one more push and your baby is out. But would you rather tear on your own or have an episiotomy." I was like, "uhhh... which is better?" He said, "Well, with a tear it can go anywhere and it would probably be worse for it to heal but with an episiotomy you just have one cut and I can stitch you up." I really wanted to avoid an episiotomy because I heard of stories where ladies push and the tear can rip from hole to hole. I kind of was freaking out. RuthAnn noticed and said to me, "He's saying that he'll do an episiotomy if he has to. He won't if he doesn't." But the doctor knew he had to, and I didn't. I told him it was okay if he had to.
I really didn't even do one push. I did one 10 second push and with that he did the episiotomy and I kind of felt it. It was almost like a shot and her head came out. And everyone was ooing and awing about how beautiful she was and I was kind of mad because the doctor was getting all the stuff out of her mouth and I couldn't see anything. I'm like, WHAT THE HECK?! SHOW ME MY BABY! Then he grabbed her by the shoulders and just pulled her out. It was the weirdest sensation to feel that. It felt like my belly went empty. I couldn't even believe it.
Everyone was telling me before that the doctor will hold up my baby before but they just layed out a blanket on my belly and put her on me.
Right after she came out, I heard her cry and that's when I started crying. I just looked at her and all I could do was cry. I couldn't do anything else but cry. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I couldn't even believe that she came out of me. I was just so ready to hold her up close to me and just gaze at her. It almost sounds creepy. I was trying to think of the first words that I would say to her but I couldn't say anything. I was speechless. I then started saying hi over and over. I couldn't believe it that she was here. She had a head full of hair and the most beautiful face and eyes. She looked at me like she knew who I was.
I can honestly say that 10 months was SO worth the wait. Katrina asked me later on if I would go through pregnancy and child birth again after all this and I said, "In a heartbeat just because of the end result."
The worst part about labor and delivery is right after they delivered her the doctor was massaging (more like having a beat down) on my belly. It was honestly bruised on the inside. He was kneading it through like dough. I guess he was just making sure I wasn't hemorraging? I'm not sure. He then had to stitch me up. I remember looking up at N after she was born and he just smiled at me.
The doctor asked who was cutting cord and N said he was and he went over and cut the cord.
They took her over where they cleaned her off some more and weighed and measured her. She was 7 lbs .05 oz but they rounded up to 1 oz. She was 20 inches long. I remember when the doctor was stitching me up, N was holding my hand. And he was looking over at Olivia and I told him he could go over there. And he kind of looked at me like, "Are you sure?" And I said, "Just go. I'm okay." And he went over there and watched everything and I was looking over at her and at one point she grabbed on to one of the nurses gloves and just latched on. haha.
N was holding her and after they had me all cleaned up they brought her over but I couldn't hold her at the time because they blood pressure thing was going. Lame. So I just looked at her. But as soon as they placed her in my arms again, the tears started coming down. I honestly, fell in love with her. I couldn't handle it. It was still so unreal to me that she came out of me. She was crying and stuff and kept telling her she was okay. Of course, there were a million people in the room.
All who was at delivery was, My mom, my friend Jessica who I went on the hike with to induce labor, Tandi, my sisters Katrina and RuthAnn, D and V. My dad and little sister K walked in after they heard her first cries. I honestly, did not care who was all there because I wanted Olivia out of me.
I was able to bottle feed her for the first time and she was so hungry and I got to burp her. She is a REALLY good burper which rocks.
It was honestly an incredible experience and would do it all over again. Even through all the chaos and excitement I was feeling really content and at peace, at least for that time.
They took Olivia to the nursery. They give me and someone I choose to have a bracelet to go to the nursery with her when they clean her. I chose N and he went and took videos of her bath and I just barely saw them yesterday and loved them. I was glad I choose him because he got to spend that time with her and bond with her. RuthAnn stayed up with me while I waited for the nurses to come and help me to the bathroom. We just talked about the labor and the delivery even though she was there for all of that. And she asked me how I was feeling emotionally and about the adoption. And I told her I was feeling good.
I remember at one point I did talk to Erika on the phone but I was a little bit distracted obviously after having a baby. She asked me the same question I think.
They took me down to room 207 and I was able to see her. I don't think I cried that time. But I got to see her beautiful hair all cleaned up. She had SO much hair. And the coolest part about it, it almost looked highlighted/frosted. She has dark roots and blonde tips. This is not a joke.
My mom ended up staying the first night with me in the hospital. She had to go home and grab her over night stuff. N and Katrina stayed with me until my mom came back and that was around midnight. I really couldn't sleep at all. I had so much energy in me after delivering and I wanted to be awake and look at Olivia. She's so precious and beautiful.
I didn't want to put her in her bassinet. I would wake up to her little noises and so I finally just had her sleep next to me all night. I had to wake her up to feed her and the cutest part about burping her is that she will tilt her head up and try to look at you. She is just so alert during that part and that's what I loved the most was seeing her wide awake and looking at me. I think I fed her at 3 and at 6 and then stayed awake from 6 to about 9 and got tired and took an hour nap with her. Then around 10:30 N came back over and stayed all day with me and my mom went home.
I'll finish the rest of the next two days at the hospital on another post and same with placement and post placement.
How I'm feeling now, I'm doing better. I still cry every night before I go to sleep because I won't be sleeping next to her. And then I wake up every morning crying because she wasn't next to me when I woke up. But after I see her I honestly feel a lot better and feel a lot more at peace with my decision.
Thanks all who have been following my journey and have been there to support me. I still haven't finished my journey and I don't think I ever will. :)
My next post will actually be a picture blog post of the labor and delivery and the pictures of the night and morning after so you get a visual. I'll try not to post too graphic of pictures from the delivery.
Love you all.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Arrived :)
Olivia Kate J
September 23rd, 2009
9:36 P.M. 7 lbs. 1 oz. 20 inches long.
Daughter of Stefanie G and N
Adopted by D and V J
September 25th, 2009
September 23rd, 2009
9:36 P.M. 7 lbs. 1 oz. 20 inches long.
Daughter of Stefanie G and N
Adopted by D and V J
September 25th, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
39 weeks.
So this past week has definitely been a roller coaster for me.
It's had it's ups and downs.
I'll be 40 weeks along on Thursday!
I'll let you know what's been going on.
Since Friday. Well, on Saturday, D and V were trying to find another ticket for the BYU vs Florida State game. But they couldn't find another one so we ended up going to V's sister's apartment and watched the game. So shameful. :( I told N I was hanging out with them and if he ever wanted to we could have a movie night out at their cabin. And he wanted to know if we were doing something that night... but we were watching the game.
Sunday, I went to sacrament meeting. It was a pretty good meeting. I enjoyed. It was about being ward missionaries I think. Or being your own missionary? Ha. My memory is pretty bad. Then I sat around and watched Project Runway. Ha. I've never watched so many tv shows religiously in my LIFE. Let's see. N texted me around 4 and asked me what the plans were for the day because D and V were planning on doing a birthday party for B with their family. So I told him at 5 is when we were going to go down to Provo to a park and have cake and I asked him if he wanted a ride. We were going to follow D and V down to Provo but I left too late and they were already at my house when I went to pick up N so D just told my dad how to get there. We ended up using google maps on N's phone how to get there. We had some cake and played with bubbles. Haha. That's about it.
Right before we left, V's sister was talking to me about playing Nertz because we played Nertz out at the cabin the first night that D and V flew in. And N said to me, "What is that?" And I said, "It's a card game." And he said, "The one that we played on Thanksgiving?" And I had to think about it. I totally forgot that N spent Thanksgiving with my family. Well, we went up North and had Thanksgiving dinner at my Aunt and Uncle's house and with my parents and little sister. And after we ate dinner, I taught him how to play Nertz. N and I left and I think we went and saw Bolt that night. I don't remember. I said, "Oh yeah, I did teach you that. But you didn't like it." It was only us playing. It's a lot more fun when you have more people. And then N brought up Quirkle. We played that around Christmas with my family? Anyway.
On the ride back up, N said to me, "This might sound weird but I'm jealous of you." I asked him why. And he said, "Because you get to spend a lot more time with Olivia than I do." And he reached over and was rubbing my belly, he's been doing that a lot lately. I find this really funny, he'll ask, "Is she sleeping?" because she won't move. Then he'll move his hand and she'll start moving. I laugh everytime. He hates it. He did feel her move a little bit. Her foot was poking out and then she moved it back and he FREAKED! He yelled, "Oh my gosh! She moved!" I just kind of laughed because I'm used to it now but then I was thinking, he's never felt her move or kick or anything.
D, V, and N came over to my house for dinner. My parents taught D and V how to play Quirkle. N and I cheated and had an alliance going on. He would set up Quirkle's for me and such. I ended up being the winner of the game. :) But, don't tell anyone we cheated. Haha.
It was fun though. B and N are like best friends now.
D, V, N and I planned to go out to D&V's cabin to have a movie night. N picked me up around 4:30. We redboxed Race to Witch Mountain. We went to Albertson's and brought treats for everyone. On the way up the canyon we saw like 8 cop cars and a fire truck. It was intense. We had pizza and then after pizza I taught N how to play Kingsburg. N thought it was the coolest game of all time and wanted to keep playing. V won. Ha.
I thought this was really sweet. N got up to get a cookie and I told him he could bring me one. And he sat down and he said, "I already did. I figure you would want one after I got one."
We then put B to bed and watched Race to Witch Mountain. It was a pretty good movie. None of us had really seen it. N sat next to me and was just rubbing my belly the whole time trying to feel Olivia move. He was really excited because this is the first time she really moved for him. She wasn't as active, she's just really shy :) Everytime he'd feel her kick he'd look up at me and smile and laugh at the look on my face. Because her kicks are kind of powerful now. They can take out my ribs. That's for sure.
He would rub my belly and talk to her and tell her to come out and play. It was so sweet.
On the way down from the cabin N asked me if I thought it was awkward that he was rubbing my belly and I said no. We went to 7/11 to get gas and there were some kittens that I saw as we were pulling into the gas station and I asked him if I could go save them. And he just shook his head and laughed at me. So I went to go find them but they ran behind this fence so I couldn't save them.
I went inside and told N and he laughed and said he remembered that one time when we were at the roundabout and I saw this kitten with no tail and I wanted to save it and N told me no. And I started crying. I told him, I can't help it. They're just so cute and innocent. I told the people at the 7/11 that someone abandoned their kitties. But I guess there is a barn down the road and the kittens just run around at night up there.
On the freeway, there was someone going really slow with an Idaho license plate. And N was talking to me about the roadtrip that we took in January to Idaho. He said it reminded him that on the way back when me and my friend were sleeping he almost got pulled over 3 times. And I reminded him he got pulled over in Idaho though.
I asked him if it was weird to see me pregnant and he told me that I didn't look any different just that I have a belly. Then I asked him if it was weird to be hanging out with me and he said no. And he asked me the same thing and I just shook my head no. And he said, "Are you sure? That wasn't a very enthusiastic no." I said, "I don't know. I don't think it's weird."
I asked him what he thought about the name Olivia and he said he hadn't really thought about it after I told him they named her Olivia. He just wouldn't have named her that if he had a choice. I said, "Oh, what would you have named her?" And he said, "I don't know. My cousin's name is Olivia so I just wouldn't have picked it." And I told him that V was talking to me about names and wanted to name her after me and I told her no. But I told them I would name her Olivia if I was going to keep her and they just stuck with the name.
He told me that I guess someone in his family told his Aunt that he was having a baby and was going to place for adoption. And his Aunt wanted her daughter to adopt the baby. It was kind of a mutual feeling that he and I didn't want members of our own family raising our daughter. I was telling him that it was funny to me when I would tell people I was placing for adoption and they'd be like, "Oh. Have you picked a family?" Nah, I figure I'd wait until the baby was about a year old to pick a family. Duh. I need to know the family before I place my baby. I'm not going to give my baby to some strangers. I have to know and trust them. And I definitely do with D and V.
Anyway, so what I'm about to tell you is very real. I hope it doesn't freak anyone out. But imagine this conversation does come up between birthmothers and birthfathers (if they're talking/on good terms/whatever).
When I got home Olivia started moving around and I texted him, "I thought you should know, that now that I'm out of the car Olivia is using my insides as a jungle gym. She enjoys playing hide n seek with her daddy. haha!"
He said, "Lol. Maybe I just bore her. But I like hide and seek better."
I wrote back, "Nah. She's used to mommy's touch. She's really shy. She wouldn't move when I would try to feel her kick. But she's warmed up to me. Ha."
He said, "I see lol."
I then said to him, "I'm going to be random. It's only weird sometimes. Even after all this time I still have feelings for you but I know we can't ever get back together. Even though sometimes it'd be nice to be with someone, especially someone who's helped create someone else. But I can't do anything about it. Does that make sense?
This might sound weird but the night we broke up I wanted to tell you I was pregnant. But I didn't have any proof. I had a feeling I was though. :/"
He wrote back, "I'm not sure if it does but I kind of know what you mean. I really do still have feelings for you. I even think about what it would be like with you, me, and Olivia. But I still think this is what's best."
I wrote, "Yeah. I guess this is just how it's meant to be. I don't like to say what we did was a mistake because Olivia is supposed to be here with her family. With D and V. That's how I look at it. I'm probably going to warn you now it will be incredibly difficult for me to place her. So there might be times where I'll tell you that we should just raise her. It's just me being a mommy wanting my baby."
He asked, "So, I should tell you no right?"
I said, "Well, yeah. If you said yes I'd probably give in."
He wrote back, "I know what you mean. But who tells me no?"
I wrote, "I don't know. :( We'll just have to tell each other no? We'll just have to remember what's best for her right now."
He said, "I know but that's easy compared to actually doing it. And you know that too I guess."
I said, "Oh yeah. I can't even imagine how much it'll hurt. I can only anticipate for it. I'm scared a lot of the time that I'll change my mind. That's why I wanted you to be there too so I know i"m not alone and I didn't want you to be alone either."
He said, "I know."
Then I told him I was going to bed.
I know it's going to be really hard. But I realized if me and N did stay together and we decided to place for adoption it'd be A LOT harder. I think he had to hurt me to become as strong as I am now to be able to place Olivia in a home with parents who love her and are ready for her now. N and I love her, we're just not ready/prepared to be her parents.
I think a lot of what me and N are feeling towards is each other is because of the bond we have with Olivia. I'm sure if she wasn't here that we probably wouldn't even be talking like that or at all.
As much as people are closed minded about adoption and believe that birthmoms just give up their baby because they don't love them. It's not true, at all. I wish I could be Olivia's mom with everything that I have. I love her and it's extremely difficult not to have a bond with someone you've created and has lived inside of you the past 9 months. To see her in ultrasounds, to feel her kicking, you never want to forget those moments you've had. Because that's the time I'll be her mom and be with her everyday.
Olivia won't be living in state. I'll see her a few times a year when some birthmoms I know see their babies almost every week or atleast once a month. But I know I'll cherish the times that I do get to see her. Because some birthmoms with closed adoptions never get to see their kids or contact them after they're born (it's mostly the birthmom's choice now that open adoption is more common). I feel lucky to know where Olivia is and what and how she's doing and feel the comfort that she's going to an amazing family and grow up in a great, stable home. Even though, I won't be parenting her or be her "mom", in my heart, she's always going to be my daughter.
Here I am at 39 weeks. :) I hope she's dropped.
My doctors appointment is tomorrow morning. EEK. I need to do some walking!
2 more days until my due date!
6 days (if I need to be) until I'm induced!
It's had it's ups and downs.
I'll be 40 weeks along on Thursday!
I'll let you know what's been going on.
Since Friday. Well, on Saturday, D and V were trying to find another ticket for the BYU vs Florida State game. But they couldn't find another one so we ended up going to V's sister's apartment and watched the game. So shameful. :( I told N I was hanging out with them and if he ever wanted to we could have a movie night out at their cabin. And he wanted to know if we were doing something that night... but we were watching the game.
Sunday, I went to sacrament meeting. It was a pretty good meeting. I enjoyed. It was about being ward missionaries I think. Or being your own missionary? Ha. My memory is pretty bad. Then I sat around and watched Project Runway. Ha. I've never watched so many tv shows religiously in my LIFE. Let's see. N texted me around 4 and asked me what the plans were for the day because D and V were planning on doing a birthday party for B with their family. So I told him at 5 is when we were going to go down to Provo to a park and have cake and I asked him if he wanted a ride. We were going to follow D and V down to Provo but I left too late and they were already at my house when I went to pick up N so D just told my dad how to get there. We ended up using google maps on N's phone how to get there. We had some cake and played with bubbles. Haha. That's about it.
Right before we left, V's sister was talking to me about playing Nertz because we played Nertz out at the cabin the first night that D and V flew in. And N said to me, "What is that?" And I said, "It's a card game." And he said, "The one that we played on Thanksgiving?" And I had to think about it. I totally forgot that N spent Thanksgiving with my family. Well, we went up North and had Thanksgiving dinner at my Aunt and Uncle's house and with my parents and little sister. And after we ate dinner, I taught him how to play Nertz. N and I left and I think we went and saw Bolt that night. I don't remember. I said, "Oh yeah, I did teach you that. But you didn't like it." It was only us playing. It's a lot more fun when you have more people. And then N brought up Quirkle. We played that around Christmas with my family? Anyway.
On the ride back up, N said to me, "This might sound weird but I'm jealous of you." I asked him why. And he said, "Because you get to spend a lot more time with Olivia than I do." And he reached over and was rubbing my belly, he's been doing that a lot lately. I find this really funny, he'll ask, "Is she sleeping?" because she won't move. Then he'll move his hand and she'll start moving. I laugh everytime. He hates it. He did feel her move a little bit. Her foot was poking out and then she moved it back and he FREAKED! He yelled, "Oh my gosh! She moved!" I just kind of laughed because I'm used to it now but then I was thinking, he's never felt her move or kick or anything.
D, V, and N came over to my house for dinner. My parents taught D and V how to play Quirkle. N and I cheated and had an alliance going on. He would set up Quirkle's for me and such. I ended up being the winner of the game. :) But, don't tell anyone we cheated. Haha.
It was fun though. B and N are like best friends now.
D, V, N and I planned to go out to D&V's cabin to have a movie night. N picked me up around 4:30. We redboxed Race to Witch Mountain. We went to Albertson's and brought treats for everyone. On the way up the canyon we saw like 8 cop cars and a fire truck. It was intense. We had pizza and then after pizza I taught N how to play Kingsburg. N thought it was the coolest game of all time and wanted to keep playing. V won. Ha.
I thought this was really sweet. N got up to get a cookie and I told him he could bring me one. And he sat down and he said, "I already did. I figure you would want one after I got one."
We then put B to bed and watched Race to Witch Mountain. It was a pretty good movie. None of us had really seen it. N sat next to me and was just rubbing my belly the whole time trying to feel Olivia move. He was really excited because this is the first time she really moved for him. She wasn't as active, she's just really shy :) Everytime he'd feel her kick he'd look up at me and smile and laugh at the look on my face. Because her kicks are kind of powerful now. They can take out my ribs. That's for sure.
He would rub my belly and talk to her and tell her to come out and play. It was so sweet.
On the way down from the cabin N asked me if I thought it was awkward that he was rubbing my belly and I said no. We went to 7/11 to get gas and there were some kittens that I saw as we were pulling into the gas station and I asked him if I could go save them. And he just shook his head and laughed at me. So I went to go find them but they ran behind this fence so I couldn't save them.
I went inside and told N and he laughed and said he remembered that one time when we were at the roundabout and I saw this kitten with no tail and I wanted to save it and N told me no. And I started crying. I told him, I can't help it. They're just so cute and innocent. I told the people at the 7/11 that someone abandoned their kitties. But I guess there is a barn down the road and the kittens just run around at night up there.
On the freeway, there was someone going really slow with an Idaho license plate. And N was talking to me about the roadtrip that we took in January to Idaho. He said it reminded him that on the way back when me and my friend were sleeping he almost got pulled over 3 times. And I reminded him he got pulled over in Idaho though.
I asked him if it was weird to see me pregnant and he told me that I didn't look any different just that I have a belly. Then I asked him if it was weird to be hanging out with me and he said no. And he asked me the same thing and I just shook my head no. And he said, "Are you sure? That wasn't a very enthusiastic no." I said, "I don't know. I don't think it's weird."
I asked him what he thought about the name Olivia and he said he hadn't really thought about it after I told him they named her Olivia. He just wouldn't have named her that if he had a choice. I said, "Oh, what would you have named her?" And he said, "I don't know. My cousin's name is Olivia so I just wouldn't have picked it." And I told him that V was talking to me about names and wanted to name her after me and I told her no. But I told them I would name her Olivia if I was going to keep her and they just stuck with the name.
He told me that I guess someone in his family told his Aunt that he was having a baby and was going to place for adoption. And his Aunt wanted her daughter to adopt the baby. It was kind of a mutual feeling that he and I didn't want members of our own family raising our daughter. I was telling him that it was funny to me when I would tell people I was placing for adoption and they'd be like, "Oh. Have you picked a family?" Nah, I figure I'd wait until the baby was about a year old to pick a family. Duh. I need to know the family before I place my baby. I'm not going to give my baby to some strangers. I have to know and trust them. And I definitely do with D and V.
Anyway, so what I'm about to tell you is very real. I hope it doesn't freak anyone out. But imagine this conversation does come up between birthmothers and birthfathers (if they're talking/on good terms/whatever).
When I got home Olivia started moving around and I texted him, "I thought you should know, that now that I'm out of the car Olivia is using my insides as a jungle gym. She enjoys playing hide n seek with her daddy. haha!"
He said, "Lol. Maybe I just bore her. But I like hide and seek better."
I wrote back, "Nah. She's used to mommy's touch. She's really shy. She wouldn't move when I would try to feel her kick. But she's warmed up to me. Ha."
He said, "I see lol."
I then said to him, "I'm going to be random. It's only weird sometimes. Even after all this time I still have feelings for you but I know we can't ever get back together. Even though sometimes it'd be nice to be with someone, especially someone who's helped create someone else. But I can't do anything about it. Does that make sense?
This might sound weird but the night we broke up I wanted to tell you I was pregnant. But I didn't have any proof. I had a feeling I was though. :/"
He wrote back, "I'm not sure if it does but I kind of know what you mean. I really do still have feelings for you. I even think about what it would be like with you, me, and Olivia. But I still think this is what's best."
I wrote, "Yeah. I guess this is just how it's meant to be. I don't like to say what we did was a mistake because Olivia is supposed to be here with her family. With D and V. That's how I look at it. I'm probably going to warn you now it will be incredibly difficult for me to place her. So there might be times where I'll tell you that we should just raise her. It's just me being a mommy wanting my baby."
He asked, "So, I should tell you no right?"
I said, "Well, yeah. If you said yes I'd probably give in."
He wrote back, "I know what you mean. But who tells me no?"
I wrote, "I don't know. :( We'll just have to tell each other no? We'll just have to remember what's best for her right now."
He said, "I know but that's easy compared to actually doing it. And you know that too I guess."
I said, "Oh yeah. I can't even imagine how much it'll hurt. I can only anticipate for it. I'm scared a lot of the time that I'll change my mind. That's why I wanted you to be there too so I know i"m not alone and I didn't want you to be alone either."
He said, "I know."
Then I told him I was going to bed.
I know it's going to be really hard. But I realized if me and N did stay together and we decided to place for adoption it'd be A LOT harder. I think he had to hurt me to become as strong as I am now to be able to place Olivia in a home with parents who love her and are ready for her now. N and I love her, we're just not ready/prepared to be her parents.
I think a lot of what me and N are feeling towards is each other is because of the bond we have with Olivia. I'm sure if she wasn't here that we probably wouldn't even be talking like that or at all.
As much as people are closed minded about adoption and believe that birthmoms just give up their baby because they don't love them. It's not true, at all. I wish I could be Olivia's mom with everything that I have. I love her and it's extremely difficult not to have a bond with someone you've created and has lived inside of you the past 9 months. To see her in ultrasounds, to feel her kicking, you never want to forget those moments you've had. Because that's the time I'll be her mom and be with her everyday.
Olivia won't be living in state. I'll see her a few times a year when some birthmoms I know see their babies almost every week or atleast once a month. But I know I'll cherish the times that I do get to see her. Because some birthmoms with closed adoptions never get to see their kids or contact them after they're born (it's mostly the birthmom's choice now that open adoption is more common). I feel lucky to know where Olivia is and what and how she's doing and feel the comfort that she's going to an amazing family and grow up in a great, stable home. Even though, I won't be parenting her or be her "mom", in my heart, she's always going to be my daughter.
Here I am at 39 weeks. :) I hope she's dropped.
My doctors appointment is tomorrow morning. EEK. I need to do some walking!
2 more days until my due date!
6 days (if I need to be) until I'm induced!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Story Time.
Okay, I'm going to keep this brief.
So, Tuesday evening N texted me out of the blue. He asked me why I treated him like crap. I was VERY surprised to get this text because I hadn't talked to him since maybe the Wednesday before, so a week. I just asked him, "What are you even talking about?" He had read some of the things I had posted or what friends have said about him and how I make him out to be this horrible person and I insult and demean him for entertainment.
Honestly, I have not had a heart a war with N for a very long time. Since the time he told me he wasn't going to be at the hospital... 3-4 weeks ago. Who knows. I'm the kind of person after things are worked out, I forgive and forget. When he sent me the text it shocked me to be honest. My friend had tagged him in a photo that said, "I call this me and the sperm donor." He wasn't a happy person about it. But I understand, I wouldn't want to be known as that either. I had posted that picture up maybe end of June, beginning of July. It had all blown over for me, whatever hurtful feelings I had for him at the time, so I'm thinking, "Why is he making a big deal out of this now?"
I didn't want to argue so I said to him, "I don't think you getting mad at me is going to change anything that has been said or what other people say. If you want things to change then do something about it. You're not really proving yourself right now by picking an argument with me."
He said, "I know you're trying to be all smug and what not but all your doing is excusing your own behavior and saying I'm wrong. I have done nothing to wrong you. I am sick of trying to do things for you just so you can go cry about me behind my back. You say I haven't proved anything. But what have you proved? That you are still immature and have to do anything for attention. You think you have all the power. That's only because I have let you have it. I'm done. I want a paternity test when the baby is born. IF she is mine we will go from there?"
I'm FREAKING out at this point.
It's taking everything I got not to go to where ever he is and just punch him in the face after he calls me immature and an attention seeker. And then he wants to demand paternity? He's trying to stop the adoption? A week before my due date? In spite of me? I should've gone into labor then by all the shock! Ha.
I hadn't said anything back to him because I was trying to get a hold of my caseworker. I couldn't get a hold of her until later but at the time I just said, "I'm just wondering if you have any idea what you're doing. If you even know what it means to demand paternity. Why are you deciding now to try to step up? Because you're mad at me? Real mature. I can tell you're ready to be a father. I'm not going to say anymore until you and I have a meeting with our caseworker."
He said, "Tell me when."
I'm furious. I'm just thinking about how I've been preparing myself for the adoption for my baby to be with another family. A family that was flying out in two days to be there for her birth and everything and he was trying to take that away? I honestly didn't know what he had in mind when he said, "If she's mine, we'll go from there." It could mean ANYTHING. And, I'm a girl. I jump to conclusions.
We ended up having our meeting today. I was keeping everything on the down low because I didn't know how far he had taken this demanding paternity thing. If it was serious or if he was just making empty threats. And I hadn't told D and V (I told them tonight. Things went well obviously or else I wouldn't have told them).
Well, before the meeting, I was freaking out. I sent him a text before the meeting because I didn't want to show up and him not show up at all. I was rude. I'll be honest. A. I was angry B. I just didn't care. Because before, when he was going to meet D and V he told me that day he had plans the same night but he didn't tell me even though I had reminded him two days before. But, I said to him, "Just so you know, our meeting is today at noon. Not last Friday or next Friday. Just in case you made plans or something."
He didn't text back but I was like, great. He probably was planning on showing up and now isn't going to. Go me. :/
He showed up and we went back to Loni's office. I'm shaking because I'm angry and trying to not lose my temper. Loni was the mediator and just listening to her talk, it made me realize how much bitterness that I've had towards him that it's really stupid that I should have any. Even though I had been praying that N softened his heart and dropped the paternity test, I probably should've been praying for my heart to soften towards him. I was able to and listen to what I needed to hear it just would've been nice. Ha. We were talking mostly about respect and it was more aimed towards me but we both have felt disrespected. In the beginning, Loni asked him if he was still for the adoption and he said yes. And she asks him, But you want a paternity test? And he said, "Yeah. I just don't think the dates match up." This was in the beginning, and oh yeah, I'm furious for him to even THINK that I'm that much of a... dare I say it... slut? He didn't say it. But, I almost felt like that's what he meant. And she was asking stuff about the hospital and how things were going to happen and she said, "Are you going to be there?" N looks at me and says, "I don't know." I just said, "I DID want you there." And he said, "I guess not. But it doesn't matter to me either way."
This is me at my heart at war, my thoughts and feelings are, of course it doesn't matter. She doesn't matter to you.
Loni then got off that subject and just said, we are here to talk about the baby. We're not here to play the blaming game. So, that's when I felt like I needed to listen and know that this IS for her. I had known it was but I was too busy being mad that N would take away the best life possible for her. She was saying that even what has been said before, in the past, or what has been done, is over. We can't change that. But what we can do since we have a connection to each other and there's no way we're going to stop contact. We need to respect each other even if it's just on the common ground of Olivia and the adoption. And she said, We don't want her to grow up to think that her birth parents made her out of hate. That kind of got me, because obviously, you don't make a baby out of hate. I loved N. I still care about him, but my daughter, will always come first to me in all of this. Even though, I'll be placing for adoption and I won't be her mom, she'll be my number one in my life besides God and family. Yeah, they're all level one. They're just that cool.
I bet you guys are thinking... way to go by keeping this blog brief, Stef. Yeah. I know. I'm working on it.
N and I didn't really say much to each other. The awkward part of it all was Loni said, "Maybe you guys should thank each other." N and I definitely had the same question in our minds, "FOR WHAT?!" N said it first. I didn't want to say it. Haha. Loni said, "Well, you should thank Stefanie for carrying your baby for 9 months, going through all of this, and delivery is coming up soon. And also, for picking probably the best family possible for your baby." Then for me was to thank him for being there when he has been and to letting the adoption go through and make it possible and letting me choose the family. We both said thanks.
Then Loni went over relinquishment papers with him, he didn't sign. He's waiting to sign with me at the hospital. I told him I would be okay with him signing anytime just as long as I watched so I don't have nightmares that he didn't sign and he'll take her away.
He seemed okay with it.
I think I was still in my bitter mood and Loni was telling him that it's okay to bond with Olivia after she's born and to look at her and see all the features of him in her. And that it's okay to talk about it. She was telling him she wanted him to go to post placement meetings because birth fathers before have gone to placement and been fine but then six months down the road, doing drugs and other things and she doesn't want to see him go through that. And neither do I. I don't want anyone to take that path. It's not fun.
But as I was saying, I think Loni was talking about how we need to talk about after placement and families seeing her and stuff and that we need to openly communicate when he or his family is going to see her. Or when my family is going to see her. And how sometimes our schedules might conflict. And it freaked me out. I almost feel like he has to ask ME if it's okay his family can see her or when he wants to see her. I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing her every day, hour, minute, second of my time while she's out here.
But I almost want to be there when his family sees her. I don't know. I'm just weird like that.
Anyway, after the meeting, I kind of wanted to talk to N for a little bit. He and I didn't do much communicating in the meeting. Mostly, Loni just talked but it was good for me. So I said to him, "I just wanted to explain to you why I kind of changed my mind about you being in the room. I mean, if you don't feel like you're the father. Then why should I give you the privilege of being in the room?" He said to me, "I don't feel like the father because the dates don't match up." I said to him, "What do you mean?" And he said, "We broke up January 8." I was surprised he knew that... but it was actually January 10. Not meaning to correct ;) just saying.
I explained to him how the whole pregnancy calendar all worked out. It starts from the first day of your last period (mine happened to be December 17) and conception is about a week or two after that. He just said to me, "Can I trust you? That it's true that she's mine?" And I just looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yeah." I wanted to say, or else I might be growing a miracle baby because I haven't been with anyone since you. When I told my friend that she's like, "You're having a Jesus!" And I said, "In female form." haha.
He apologized to me about the threatening paternity and that he shouldn't have gotten angry with me. I apologized to him about what things have been said and stuff that I've been frustrated and said somethings I shouldn't have. But feelings get hurt and things happen and things that are said that you don't mean. So, basically, we're starting over. He said to me, "I don't know how you feel disrespected but I wanted to say that I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you or wasn't there in the beginning. I could've been more supportive but I was afraid of leading you on and I see now, that it was wrong of me. But I can't change that but I've learned from it."
I was speechless. I'm like tearing up right now thinking about him saying that because that's probably what I've been wanting to hear these past 9 months. That he wishes he could've been a support to me and to her. He said that it hurt him that he believed what people had said how I was handling it and didn't talk badly about him but then he read what I had written or agreed with other people what they've said and it just bugged him. But he said at the time, I guess I was just bitter with him and have calmed down now and gotten over it. He said to me that even though I feel like I don't think he cares about her, he does. And he said, even though you don't think I want anyone to know, I don't really care who knows. I had forgotten a lot of the things I was going to ask or say to him, so he told me to text him and ask him. I asked him about what he meant by "we'll see what goes from there if she's mine." And I told him I was scared about him stopping the adoption and he said, "I thought about it but I know it's not the right thing to do."
Anyway, I think it was an overall good conversation. I let him know that D and V were in town and if he ever wanted to call them to go for it.
Just so everyone knows, I'm hoping that there won't be anymore blogs about me whining about N because I feel like it went well overall and we're on, I guess you could say, good terms. I'm sure he's a hater that I posted this. But, I hope at the same time, he sees how I feel/felt about everything. If he wanted to, he could go back through all the blogs I've written about him, or lately that I don't hate him. I don't think any part of me ever could. It could be bitter or misunderstanding towards him. I can't hate the person who helped me create the person I love the most in this world.
I went over to D and V's cabin and we watched 17 Again. Bradshaw took a really long nap today and they were planning on taking him to Kangaroo Zoo but he slept in for too long.
Sad day, we'll be going another day. And we're hoping to get tickets for the BYU vs Florida State.
I have a secret desire to paint my belly and go support :) Ha. Yep.
Well, I'm going to go to sleep. I didn't get much sleep last night because of contractions. Haha. This reminds me, so I hadn't told N about the induction date because I was trying to protect Olivia and such so I didn't want him to know. I told him in the session, so he's aware if I don't go into labor on my own that Olivia will be born then. And so before we ended our conversation out in the parking lot I told him about the contractions at the cabin. And he said, "Were you just so excited?" I said, "To see you? Oh yeah! Olivia was too, she just wanted to get out!" He laughed and said, "That's not what I meant, that you were excited because you're almost done being pregnant." I said, "Probably that too."
Thanks everyone again for being there and for your prayers :)
So, Tuesday evening N texted me out of the blue. He asked me why I treated him like crap. I was VERY surprised to get this text because I hadn't talked to him since maybe the Wednesday before, so a week. I just asked him, "What are you even talking about?" He had read some of the things I had posted or what friends have said about him and how I make him out to be this horrible person and I insult and demean him for entertainment.
Honestly, I have not had a heart a war with N for a very long time. Since the time he told me he wasn't going to be at the hospital... 3-4 weeks ago. Who knows. I'm the kind of person after things are worked out, I forgive and forget. When he sent me the text it shocked me to be honest. My friend had tagged him in a photo that said, "I call this me and the sperm donor." He wasn't a happy person about it. But I understand, I wouldn't want to be known as that either. I had posted that picture up maybe end of June, beginning of July. It had all blown over for me, whatever hurtful feelings I had for him at the time, so I'm thinking, "Why is he making a big deal out of this now?"
I didn't want to argue so I said to him, "I don't think you getting mad at me is going to change anything that has been said or what other people say. If you want things to change then do something about it. You're not really proving yourself right now by picking an argument with me."
He said, "I know you're trying to be all smug and what not but all your doing is excusing your own behavior and saying I'm wrong. I have done nothing to wrong you. I am sick of trying to do things for you just so you can go cry about me behind my back. You say I haven't proved anything. But what have you proved? That you are still immature and have to do anything for attention. You think you have all the power. That's only because I have let you have it. I'm done. I want a paternity test when the baby is born. IF she is mine we will go from there?"
I'm FREAKING out at this point.
It's taking everything I got not to go to where ever he is and just punch him in the face after he calls me immature and an attention seeker. And then he wants to demand paternity? He's trying to stop the adoption? A week before my due date? In spite of me? I should've gone into labor then by all the shock! Ha.
I hadn't said anything back to him because I was trying to get a hold of my caseworker. I couldn't get a hold of her until later but at the time I just said, "I'm just wondering if you have any idea what you're doing. If you even know what it means to demand paternity. Why are you deciding now to try to step up? Because you're mad at me? Real mature. I can tell you're ready to be a father. I'm not going to say anymore until you and I have a meeting with our caseworker."
He said, "Tell me when."
I'm furious. I'm just thinking about how I've been preparing myself for the adoption for my baby to be with another family. A family that was flying out in two days to be there for her birth and everything and he was trying to take that away? I honestly didn't know what he had in mind when he said, "If she's mine, we'll go from there." It could mean ANYTHING. And, I'm a girl. I jump to conclusions.
We ended up having our meeting today. I was keeping everything on the down low because I didn't know how far he had taken this demanding paternity thing. If it was serious or if he was just making empty threats. And I hadn't told D and V (I told them tonight. Things went well obviously or else I wouldn't have told them).
Well, before the meeting, I was freaking out. I sent him a text before the meeting because I didn't want to show up and him not show up at all. I was rude. I'll be honest. A. I was angry B. I just didn't care. Because before, when he was going to meet D and V he told me that day he had plans the same night but he didn't tell me even though I had reminded him two days before. But, I said to him, "Just so you know, our meeting is today at noon. Not last Friday or next Friday. Just in case you made plans or something."
He didn't text back but I was like, great. He probably was planning on showing up and now isn't going to. Go me. :/
He showed up and we went back to Loni's office. I'm shaking because I'm angry and trying to not lose my temper. Loni was the mediator and just listening to her talk, it made me realize how much bitterness that I've had towards him that it's really stupid that I should have any. Even though I had been praying that N softened his heart and dropped the paternity test, I probably should've been praying for my heart to soften towards him. I was able to and listen to what I needed to hear it just would've been nice. Ha. We were talking mostly about respect and it was more aimed towards me but we both have felt disrespected. In the beginning, Loni asked him if he was still for the adoption and he said yes. And she asks him, But you want a paternity test? And he said, "Yeah. I just don't think the dates match up." This was in the beginning, and oh yeah, I'm furious for him to even THINK that I'm that much of a... dare I say it... slut? He didn't say it. But, I almost felt like that's what he meant. And she was asking stuff about the hospital and how things were going to happen and she said, "Are you going to be there?" N looks at me and says, "I don't know." I just said, "I DID want you there." And he said, "I guess not. But it doesn't matter to me either way."
This is me at my heart at war, my thoughts and feelings are, of course it doesn't matter. She doesn't matter to you.
Loni then got off that subject and just said, we are here to talk about the baby. We're not here to play the blaming game. So, that's when I felt like I needed to listen and know that this IS for her. I had known it was but I was too busy being mad that N would take away the best life possible for her. She was saying that even what has been said before, in the past, or what has been done, is over. We can't change that. But what we can do since we have a connection to each other and there's no way we're going to stop contact. We need to respect each other even if it's just on the common ground of Olivia and the adoption. And she said, We don't want her to grow up to think that her birth parents made her out of hate. That kind of got me, because obviously, you don't make a baby out of hate. I loved N. I still care about him, but my daughter, will always come first to me in all of this. Even though, I'll be placing for adoption and I won't be her mom, she'll be my number one in my life besides God and family. Yeah, they're all level one. They're just that cool.
I bet you guys are thinking... way to go by keeping this blog brief, Stef. Yeah. I know. I'm working on it.
N and I didn't really say much to each other. The awkward part of it all was Loni said, "Maybe you guys should thank each other." N and I definitely had the same question in our minds, "FOR WHAT?!" N said it first. I didn't want to say it. Haha. Loni said, "Well, you should thank Stefanie for carrying your baby for 9 months, going through all of this, and delivery is coming up soon. And also, for picking probably the best family possible for your baby." Then for me was to thank him for being there when he has been and to letting the adoption go through and make it possible and letting me choose the family. We both said thanks.
Then Loni went over relinquishment papers with him, he didn't sign. He's waiting to sign with me at the hospital. I told him I would be okay with him signing anytime just as long as I watched so I don't have nightmares that he didn't sign and he'll take her away.
He seemed okay with it.
I think I was still in my bitter mood and Loni was telling him that it's okay to bond with Olivia after she's born and to look at her and see all the features of him in her. And that it's okay to talk about it. She was telling him she wanted him to go to post placement meetings because birth fathers before have gone to placement and been fine but then six months down the road, doing drugs and other things and she doesn't want to see him go through that. And neither do I. I don't want anyone to take that path. It's not fun.
But as I was saying, I think Loni was talking about how we need to talk about after placement and families seeing her and stuff and that we need to openly communicate when he or his family is going to see her. Or when my family is going to see her. And how sometimes our schedules might conflict. And it freaked me out. I almost feel like he has to ask ME if it's okay his family can see her or when he wants to see her. I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing her every day, hour, minute, second of my time while she's out here.
But I almost want to be there when his family sees her. I don't know. I'm just weird like that.
Anyway, after the meeting, I kind of wanted to talk to N for a little bit. He and I didn't do much communicating in the meeting. Mostly, Loni just talked but it was good for me. So I said to him, "I just wanted to explain to you why I kind of changed my mind about you being in the room. I mean, if you don't feel like you're the father. Then why should I give you the privilege of being in the room?" He said to me, "I don't feel like the father because the dates don't match up." I said to him, "What do you mean?" And he said, "We broke up January 8." I was surprised he knew that... but it was actually January 10. Not meaning to correct ;) just saying.
I explained to him how the whole pregnancy calendar all worked out. It starts from the first day of your last period (mine happened to be December 17) and conception is about a week or two after that. He just said to me, "Can I trust you? That it's true that she's mine?" And I just looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yeah." I wanted to say, or else I might be growing a miracle baby because I haven't been with anyone since you. When I told my friend that she's like, "You're having a Jesus!" And I said, "In female form." haha.
He apologized to me about the threatening paternity and that he shouldn't have gotten angry with me. I apologized to him about what things have been said and stuff that I've been frustrated and said somethings I shouldn't have. But feelings get hurt and things happen and things that are said that you don't mean. So, basically, we're starting over. He said to me, "I don't know how you feel disrespected but I wanted to say that I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you or wasn't there in the beginning. I could've been more supportive but I was afraid of leading you on and I see now, that it was wrong of me. But I can't change that but I've learned from it."
I was speechless. I'm like tearing up right now thinking about him saying that because that's probably what I've been wanting to hear these past 9 months. That he wishes he could've been a support to me and to her. He said that it hurt him that he believed what people had said how I was handling it and didn't talk badly about him but then he read what I had written or agreed with other people what they've said and it just bugged him. But he said at the time, I guess I was just bitter with him and have calmed down now and gotten over it. He said to me that even though I feel like I don't think he cares about her, he does. And he said, even though you don't think I want anyone to know, I don't really care who knows. I had forgotten a lot of the things I was going to ask or say to him, so he told me to text him and ask him. I asked him about what he meant by "we'll see what goes from there if she's mine." And I told him I was scared about him stopping the adoption and he said, "I thought about it but I know it's not the right thing to do."
Anyway, I think it was an overall good conversation. I let him know that D and V were in town and if he ever wanted to call them to go for it.
Just so everyone knows, I'm hoping that there won't be anymore blogs about me whining about N because I feel like it went well overall and we're on, I guess you could say, good terms. I'm sure he's a hater that I posted this. But, I hope at the same time, he sees how I feel/felt about everything. If he wanted to, he could go back through all the blogs I've written about him, or lately that I don't hate him. I don't think any part of me ever could. It could be bitter or misunderstanding towards him. I can't hate the person who helped me create the person I love the most in this world.
I went over to D and V's cabin and we watched 17 Again. Bradshaw took a really long nap today and they were planning on taking him to Kangaroo Zoo but he slept in for too long.
Sad day, we'll be going another day. And we're hoping to get tickets for the BYU vs Florida State.
I have a secret desire to paint my belly and go support :) Ha. Yep.
Well, I'm going to go to sleep. I didn't get much sleep last night because of contractions. Haha. This reminds me, so I hadn't told N about the induction date because I was trying to protect Olivia and such so I didn't want him to know. I told him in the session, so he's aware if I don't go into labor on my own that Olivia will be born then. And so before we ended our conversation out in the parking lot I told him about the contractions at the cabin. And he said, "Were you just so excited?" I said, "To see you? Oh yeah! Olivia was too, she just wanted to get out!" He laughed and said, "That's not what I meant, that you were excited because you're almost done being pregnant." I said, "Probably that too."
Thanks everyone again for being there and for your prayers :)
Okay,
Things are better now.
No worries.
(I won't go into too much detail until later.)
6 more days until my due date. Less than a week!!
Holla!
I went to my doctors appointment, I'm still dilated to a 1 and 75% effaced.
My doctor thinks it's because she hasn't dropped that's why nothing is happening.
I have an appointment with my doctor next week.
We discussed an induction date, September 28th.
So. 10 days until my induction date. I hope to be having Olivia before then. And on my own, thanks :)
Dustinn and Val flew in yesterday.
I went out to their cabin and played Nertz and Kingsburg with them until about midnight.
Then went to sleep. I was having contractions at like 4 in the morning and could not sleep at all!
I think it was just the high altitude. I got up to walk around to see if it was real labor, but it wasn't because the contractions would go away. But when I would lay back down they would start up again and wake me up. It was no fun.
Today is Bradshaw's birthday :)
For breakfast Val and her sister made blueberry muffins. Bradshaw had two and had a candle in each and we would have to relight the candles every time he blew them out. He's two today :)
If you didn't know, Val actually was due September 24th with Bradshaw.
Crazy huh?
It was almost like it was meant to be.
Thank you for all your prayers because they've been answered :)
You all rock.
No worries.
(I won't go into too much detail until later.)
6 more days until my due date. Less than a week!!
Holla!
I went to my doctors appointment, I'm still dilated to a 1 and 75% effaced.
My doctor thinks it's because she hasn't dropped that's why nothing is happening.
I have an appointment with my doctor next week.
We discussed an induction date, September 28th.
So. 10 days until my induction date. I hope to be having Olivia before then. And on my own, thanks :)
Dustinn and Val flew in yesterday.
I went out to their cabin and played Nertz and Kingsburg with them until about midnight.
Then went to sleep. I was having contractions at like 4 in the morning and could not sleep at all!
I think it was just the high altitude. I got up to walk around to see if it was real labor, but it wasn't because the contractions would go away. But when I would lay back down they would start up again and wake me up. It was no fun.
Today is Bradshaw's birthday :)
For breakfast Val and her sister made blueberry muffins. Bradshaw had two and had a candle in each and we would have to relight the candles every time he blew them out. He's two today :)
If you didn't know, Val actually was due September 24th with Bradshaw.
Crazy huh?
It was almost like it was meant to be.
Thank you for all your prayers because they've been answered :)
You all rock.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
:/
I wish I knew the right words to say.
Just keep a prayer in your hearts.
I won't be updating much.
Baby is fine, I'm still pregnant.
:)
The Lord just needs to soften someone's heart right now.
:/
Just keep a prayer in your hearts.
I won't be updating much.
Baby is fine, I'm still pregnant.
:)
The Lord just needs to soften someone's heart right now.
:/
I want to just throw you out of my life. I want to get every memory we had together out of my head, but you keep finding a way to get back in there. I know you love it, I know you live on the rush you get from knowing you control my life, but you won't much longer. I promise you that.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Skinny Days
I would like to reminisce pre-pregnancy :) haha.
I saw my friend the other day after she had her baby. I had to rub HER belly because I was so jealous that she didn't have a baby bump anymore.
Okay, I almost peed my pants looking at the background. The guy on the right is totally eyeing the guy's Panda Express on the left. HILARIOUS.
I got my stunna shades on.
Erika and her babies :)
Senior Pictures and on.
I think I was actually like 6 weeks pregnant in this picture above... we just won't tell anyone though.
Now let's look at Saturday (brown shirt) and yesterday (pink shirt and jacket).
front view :)
Pregnant from behind?
38 weeks along :)
My sister RuthAnn and me at my grandma's funeral.
My horoscope today, I thought was kind of creepy, but it was true in some ways :)
You are likely to distance yourself from others now, feeling the need to withdraw and reflect. Your thoughts are inclined to be heavy and pessimistic at this time, so it would be good to realize that you are only seeing part of the picture. This can also be a time of leaving, separating from relationships and choosing a new way.
I saw my friend the other day after she had her baby. I had to rub HER belly because I was so jealous that she didn't have a baby bump anymore.
Okay, I almost peed my pants looking at the background. The guy on the right is totally eyeing the guy's Panda Express on the left. HILARIOUS.
I got my stunna shades on.
Erika and her babies :)
Senior Pictures and on.
I think I was actually like 6 weeks pregnant in this picture above... we just won't tell anyone though.
Now let's look at Saturday (brown shirt) and yesterday (pink shirt and jacket).
front view :)
Pregnant from behind?
38 weeks along :)
My sister RuthAnn and me at my grandma's funeral.My horoscope today, I thought was kind of creepy, but it was true in some ways :)
You are likely to distance yourself from others now, feeling the need to withdraw and reflect. Your thoughts are inclined to be heavy and pessimistic at this time, so it would be good to realize that you are only seeing part of the picture. This can also be a time of leaving, separating from relationships and choosing a new way.