Becoming Stefanie Despain

Long Live

2011-12-23T03:21:00.000-08:00

This year has gone by quite fast.

I don't know if it happens as you get older.

There are definitely times when I wanted it to go by faster...

and even for time to stop.

Like last Saturday. I love seeing the J's :)

"Long live the walls we crashed through, I had the time of my life with you.
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you."

Happy Holidays!

I Respect Birth Fathers

2011-12-06T11:55:00.000-08:00

I respect birth fathers.

I know that may sound hypocritical if you've read my entire blog. You may be re-reading that sentence or even checking to make sure you are on the right blog. From the beginning, I was very bitter with Olivia's birth father. But it wasn't because I resented him being her dad. It was for my own personal happiness and reasons. I wanted him to be there for me and in return be there for Olivia. I was hurt and I retaliated by posting rude things about him. Hoping that would change his mind or drive him further away. Because it comes to a point that you don't want them to just be half way in the picture, you either want them all the way there or you don't. For your children, you want a father. You don't want a father that's just there when it's convenient. I knew with adoption, Olivia would always have a father, guaranteed.

I may not have been perfect during my pregnancy and I don't claim to be. I didn't treat N with the greatest respect in the world and that may have hindered whatever friendship we could've had during all of this. Instead of trying to make things better between us and for Olivia, we made things worse. I was prideful the first few months, I wanted us to get married and be a family. I fought for that. Then when I suggested that I was going to parent whether or not we got married, we also fought about that. Our friendship wasn't perfect, but we respected each other on the decision that was made when it came to adoption. I respected the fact that when I told him I was pregnant, he didn't automatically tell me to get an abortion, he never did and he never will. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for the fact that he pushed me away so I could become strong enough (emotionally and spiritually) to get the answer of placing Olivia for adoption. Without the fighting and the difficulty, I don't think I would've been strong enough to do it. But I was for her. But you know what I did when WE chose adoption, I fought for N. I fought for him to be there because I wanted her to know his side. I didn't know him for very long and I knew it wasn't fair that I could give her the bits and pieces that I remember about him. She should know him personally, even if it made me cry myself to sleep - I wanted her to know her birth father. And I'm grateful for the sacrifice that I did as much as I could for him to be apart of her life. He didn't have to know that I was pregnant, I never had to tell him and I did. I didn't think it would be fair if he didn't know a part of him was someone out in the world and he didn't know it. I know he always wanted to be a dad, it's not that he never wanted to be one. He just knew in his heart the circumstance that we both were in wouldn't be the best for her. As much as it killed me to say that I wasn't enough for Olivia, I know that she's getting more than enough with the J's. More than N and I could've ever given her in this life.

I never fully comprehended how much he loved and cared about her until the moment we were in the hospital together. Sitting on my hospital bed, taking turns holding her. We cried together. A moment that has forever softened my heart towards him.

About 6 months after I had Olivia, her birth father kind of disappeared. No where to be found. Just fell off the face of the earth. I remember during those 6 months that I was angry and bitter and questioning why I made it such an effort for him to be involved if he wasn't going to try to make it work. I've had the opportunity to get to know his beautiful wife and more about his side of the story. I'm sure my jaw dropped multiple times. But they were the answers to my questions. Even if it some of it was hard for me to hear about it. I'm grateful she was willing to share that side of the story with me that I didn't know about. She's probably the only one, besides N to know his full story. I could never come close to knowing it as much as she does.

To read how much she's been involved and there for N, read it here.

Mine and N's rock bottom was finding out I was pregnant. He knew that he could never be a provider for his daughter and he couldn't be there everyday for me while I was pregnant. As I progressed during my pregnancy and felt her kick for 9 months. It was something I had become accustomed to.

It was when she came into the world that it all became real for us. The kicks and my big belly, eventually was a little human and I was a mommy for the first time. And for N, he was a daddy for the first time.

We were all together in the same room, experiencing new emotions and a new little person. We all came together for one purpose.

We spent two days in the hospital together as parents. As most normal parents would be taking the time to know every single sound and movement of their little one and preparing to take her home. For us, we would memorize her sounds and movements to keep locked in our memories about her and us as parents but we were preparing for something entirely different, heartache.

Sometimes, I still only think of Olivia as infant, not as a two year old. When my arms ache to hold her, it's to hold baby Olivia. Because during that time, she was ours.

Remember when I fell off the face of the earth for about the same amount of time? I got a tremendous amount of support and I'm grateful for that.

Do you know what happened when Olivia's birth father did that?

Nothing.

It was something I expected from him. I'm sure everyone else did too. And we still did nothing for him. Never thinking that maybe it was a silent cry for help.

But this sends a BIG message for me and hopefully some of you will recognize it too, maybe in your own adoptions.

Why are birth mothers given all of this attention? I understand that we gave birth and we signed papers. We gave them life.

But there is also someone else in this picture too. Someone who also helped you create that little human being that you love so much.

That little human being that may be in your arms right now, because his or her birth father consented to the adoption.

Isn't that something to be grateful for? Not be intimidated by?

The adoption has happened.

Why is that something to be afraid of?

I respect Olivia's birth father because the adoption has happened. I was sitting right next to him as he signed papers and claimed that she was his daughter. He understood that she was his and he willing relinquished his rights as a father for someone else to be a father to his little girl.

For me, that's an action of love that I will never fully comprehend.

He could've acknowledged that the child may or may not be his. Or that he could've just said, "Nope. She's not mine." And walked out entirely from the beginning. But he stayed around because he knew and he loved her.

I know I've been a strong voice for birth mothers and for adoptive parents. I hope that you won't mind that I would like to be a strong voice for supporting birth fathers, as well.

I don't know the statistics or if there are any of how many birth fathers that are involved in the adoption or if there is some hope for families who have adopted to get in contact with the birth father of their child. I would keep that option open if at all possible. I'm not saying that things need to be opened right away. Obviously, do what needs to do to accommodate your family.

But I know some birth fathers that have wanted to be very involved and it has come to my attention that they have slowly faded out. Not because they've wanted to. Because that's just what has happened. I know birth moms can have a very strong bond and relationship with the adoptive family. That can become intimidating for a birth father, to want to be in the picture even if the relationship with the birth mother isn't that well.

I know with V, when I was frustrated with N - she'd be my "go to girl" about everything. I think sometimes that can put thoughts in the adoptive parents minds and they wouldn't want that in their lives. But the greatest thing about V is that she didn't let that deter her from wanting to have a friendship with him (and his family) and to let Olivia have a relationship with her birth father. She kept an open mind about the way N was and was willing to keep him involved, even if it meant making me a little upset. Not that I ever wanted her to stop contact with him. It sometimes hurt me when I would hear things about him. I wanted to ask about their visit because I was curious, but it was hurting me in the long run. So I needed to let V know that our relationship needed to be kept separate. I was hurting because I had seen little to no change in him. I thought he was still the same person.

I realized though, I had changed so much from the adoption. What makes it that he didn't change as well? Olivia motivates me to be better, why wouldn't she do the same for him? It's because she has and she does. I held on to my pride for so long that I refused to see the change.

Another thing, V would NEVER EVER post something negative about me or about N publicly. She would never tell Olivia in the future how horrible of birth parents we are because she's not that person. I know of families who have done just that.

The child that you adopted (or that you placed) doesn't need to hear from you about the annoying things the birth mother/birth father do. You do realize that is their biology? With open adoption, they will know where they got their smile from, their beautiful eyes -- if you say something like, "Your birth mother is so annoying" or "Your birth father is such a jerk." I hope you realize, they will think- "well, I'm part of my birth mom, I must be annoying too" Or "if my birth father is a jerk, I must be a jerk too." I know I'm pointing out the things that the adoptive parents may or may not say. But the birth parents need to realize they can't say anything negative about the adoptive parents to the child, those are THEIR parents. Someone who has been raising them practically since birth, the people they call mom and dad. Don't be stupid about it. How is it okay to tell your birth son or birth daughter that you regret placing them for adoption and that you wish you could take them back? That will just make them confused and upset them more.

I have seen posted on Facebook about how annoying their birth parents/adoptive parents are or how the birth father HAS treated the birth mother or yourself. Notice, has. I know I'm not perfect and I've posted imperfect things about N. And I'm going to be honest with you. I regret it. Every single day. It's there for everyone to read and I'm sure people hated me for it. I brought N down when N was already feeling crappy about himself. How fair is that? And then I had whoever read my blog be on my side of things, how does that feel when you feel like you're the only person in the world and everyone is against you? Not fun. I'm sure you've been there, and I've definitely been there. Think how he felt for 9+ months. I would want to fall off the face of the earth too.

I'm just trying to say, for adoptive parents or birth parents in general. Talk to your caseworker/counselor about it. There is a way to talk about things negatively in a healthy way. Posting your problems in a Facebook status or a blog post- isn't healthy and it's just downright mean. Like I've said, I'm not perfect and I'm sure I've done this numerous times but I hope you all understand that I learned from my mistakes.

Also, adoptive parents and birth parents need to respect each other. You need to have a relationship/friendship for that child. The child will sense any sort of wedge that is there and that's not good either. When I say respect each other. Don't push each other's "sensitive adoption buttons."

Birthparents: The family that you have placed with are so grateful for your sacrifice, you don't need to rub it in their face that all of your pain is their happiness. They get that. They don't need a reminder that because they can't have kids they had to hurt someone else.

Adoptive parents: If the birth parents become the hardest people to love, just remember they probably need it the most. Don't push away and ignore e-mails and phone calls because communicating with them is frustrating. Just learn, that's their personality- deal with it and love it. (Clearly, if he/she is fighting and making threats all the time- that's a good time to step back). For me, there are no good reasons to promise an open adoption and then close it once you "have what you want." That's being selfish when someone has been selfless enough to give you their whole world, the least you could do is share it with them.

Also, if you have a closed adoption and your children want to find their birth parents. Don't feel like you haven't done enough for them as parents, they love you and don't want to disappoint you. They're curious and want to know everything about them. I know you've protected them since they were little, but when they become old enough to search for them- they need to guard and protect themselves and if things don't go the way as they had planned, just be there to pick up the pieces, don't be there to say, "I told you so."

Look, nobody has it easy when it comes to adoption. We all get our feelings hurt, eventually. We all have our own problems. Let's accept the fact that for us as birth parents, will never know what it's like to know the pain of infertility. And people who deal with infertility, will never know the pain of placing a baby for adoption. Accept that you don't know what they go through. Nobody is perfect, nobody deserves to be perfect. So before you start judging, criticizing, or mocking, remember everybody is fighting their own war.

Anyone could easily walk away from somebody else. Nobody is forced to stay or keep the adoption open; we all have choices. But the real test is if someone would rather stay with you, even though walking away would be so much easier. Forget about all the reasons why it couldn't work and remember the only reason why it could.

I was reading a quote that could apply to open adoption when feelings have been hurt on either side, "The primary cause of unhappiness is not the situation itself, but your thoughts about it."

6 keys to a great relationship: friendship, freedom, honesty, trust, understanding and communication.

Remember, if you feel like things need to be laid out on the table then talk separately with a caseworker first so that way you know what to talk about when the time comes. Then when you all meet together, everything can be talked about with a mediator.

I'm sure birth moms and adoptive parents aren't the ones to blame for all the negative light on birth fathers. Some birth fathers DO paint an ugly pictures for themselves and about adoption. Ones who have contested, been abusive and just simply aren't there. Not everyone is perfect. And maybe all of us need a reminder in that. We all need a reminder to let go of the hurt and the pride that we cater and hold on to. Longer than we should. I realized that holding on to that anger has never made me a better person. It has only made me better when I've realized it, apologized and have tried to make it better. And after all of that, you need to forgive yourself. Stop beating yourself for the things that you've said, if that person has forgiven you, don't hold on to your own guilt. That can almost be worse than the pride itself.

Another thing that has come to my attention, as I've said I've gotten to know N's wife, J.

I've realized what kind of person she is. She is very compassionate and forgiving of others very quickly. Some things that I need to work on myself. With N's changes, he needed someone to pull him out of his rock bottom. She did just that.

I used to be bitter and think the only reason why N was involved was because of J. I knew about his "change" but I refused to see it because she was there and it was so easy to blame. It was easy to hide my insecurity of knowing that I wasn't good enough to be with N and to raise our daughter together. But in reality, it was never meant to happen and it didn't happen and I can't hold onto something that I can't change. N changed because of the adoption and I had too. J started it all for him and has been there for him every single day. Something that I never was for him when I was pregnant.

I respect their family. I respect the fact that they're all involved in it and that J's family has been so welcoming with Olivia and that they have accepted her as if she was their blood niece or blood granddaughter. It's something that families who have been divorced and have to deal with. If they can deal with it and live with it on a daily basis, why can't all of us?

I'm grateful for my husband's family and their support. Last Christmas I had sent a Christmas card to T's family and had said I was a birth mom. I got a card from his great-grandparents saying how they're proud of me and my decision and that they love Olivia too. It's something that I cherish with all of my heart. T's family in the beginning had some concerns but I think have warmed up to the idea that Olivia will be apart of my life. She may not be in it. But she's there and she means so much to me.

When I saw pictures of Olivia with her birth father, honestly, it used to make me cringe. But now I see them, and I get a little emotional because my heart is full. Seeing how much he genuinely cares about her and he ADORES her and she will need to know that from him. I could never give her that, I could never just tell her that he cares. She needed to know for herself that she does.

I know some of you that may have had issues with the birth father and have thought, he doesn't deserve it. How is that fair?

I used to have those exact thoughts and guess what? He knows he probably doesn't deserve it and knows it's not fair. But it doesn't matter what he deserves and what's not fair. What's fair is having his/her birth father in their life.

When you were pregnant, it's always been what's best for the child. Why has it changed what's best for the birth mother? I understand that we have wants/needs that we feel like should be met. But our birth child trumps our needs and wants, any time of the day. Agreed?

I respect birth fathers. Especially N, for letting the adoption happen.

I hope you all can at least muster any amount of respect the birth father(s) in your life for that reason.

Shandi and Daniel are Hoping to Adopt!

2011-11-12T18:19:00.000-08:00

A while back, I had a friend that I've known all through Junior High and High School, post on her Facebook that her sister and brother in-law were hoping to adopt. I clicked on the link to their blog, which you can find here. Reading their letter to expectant parents was simply amazing and brought me to tears.

About Daniel and Shandi:

They have been married for nearly 7 years (Nov. 2004). They have a boxer named Loafer.

They love sports. They play basketball whenever they get the chance. They've recently started playing tennis. They love hanging out with friends and going to Trafalga where they climb the rock wall, play laser tag and mini golf. They also love boating and swimming and going to Seven Peaks!

Daniel just graduated from UVU with a Bachelor's degree in Business Management and has worked for the same software company for the past 7 years. Shandi currently works full time as a receptionist at a local day spa. She went to cosmetology school and also has a salon in their home.

They are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and their faith is very important to them.

Daniel
Age: 26 years old
Height: 6'0"
Hair Color: Brown
Eye Color: Blue
Education: Bachelor's in Business Management
Job: Product Analyst
Favorite Food: Cheeseburgers, Steak, Ice Cream
Favorite Drink: Sprite mixed with Cran-raspberry juice
Favorite Book: The Alchemist
Favorite TV Show: Arrested Development, The Office, Jazz Games
Favorite Movie: Finding Forrester, The Count of Monte Cristo

Daniel does ADORABLE things for Shandi. He will surprise her and bring her lunch at work (jealous), fill up her car with gas, have dinner ready for her when she gets home from work. He loves to send her texts of encouragement along with notes of lists of things he loves about her. I might die that is SO cute and SO caring!

Shandi
Age: 25 years old
Height: 5'5"
Hair Color: Brown
Eye Color: Blue
Job: Cosmetologist
Favorite Food: Steak and Fries
Favorite Drink: Sprite, Rootbeer and Water
Favorite Book: A Severe Mercy
Favorite TV Show: The Office, One Tree Hill
Favorite Movie: Two Weeks Notice, Up

Shandi has a HUGE heart and I admire her for everything she's done for this particular family in the community and that she has been friends with. Daniel shares this story on the blog but I wanted to share it on here too because it's incredible!

"Shandi’s senior year of high school she helped start a
school fundraiser for family friends who had two daughters with cancer. As a 17 year old senior, head cheerleader, she agreed to shave her head if the students could raise $10,000 for this family. The students raised the money, the local and then national media became aware, and by the end of the fundraiser, she helped raise over $100,000 for this family that she cared so much for. Most girls in their senior year of high school wouldn’t shave their hair off for a million dollars, but Shandi did this without a second thought, because it meant helping someone in need.

I tell this story to demonstrate the kind of love and caring she has for other people.In 2003 Shandi was awarded the Points of Light Award given by the Utah Governor for her involvement in this fundraiser. . Also in 2004 she was named one of 12 High School Students Most Likely to Change the World, by Utah Valley Magazine."

As of right now, Daniel and Shandi are looking for a private adoption. They are looking into agencies, as well. They are willing for either an open or closed adoption. Whatever the expectant parent prefers. They are willing to adopt boy/girl, any race and almost any age.

On their blog, they also have an updates section and keep that updated. Like today, they were apart of The Adoption Walk with Me at Liberty Park.

If you have any questions for them, feel free to ask. You can e-mail them at:
adoption.larsenfamilytree@gmail.com

It's November, Again

2011-11-10T12:35:00.000-08:00

You know what time of year it is? It's getting colder and you're asking yourself, "Where did this entire year GO?!?!" I am, for sure. I know some of you may be thinking about what your plans are for Thanksgiving or already getting ready for Christmas. The month of November for all of us who have been touched by adoption is, National Adoption Awareness Month.

I just want to talk about ways to get involved. I'm sure you all have been aware of many things going on.

Maybe some of you have seen this fancy button?

The R House is doing a National Adoption Month Design Challenge. If you are more creative than I (which I'm sure you are) and are a designer and would love to help out the adoption community in anyway, and help us with a new button for next year? This is for YOU. Head on over to the R House here to read more information about it.

If you're in the state of Utah, there is a walk this Saturday and I will be there :) Hopefully I didn't scare too many people away by saying that. They have more information on their Facebook page.

P.S. If you recognize me. Don't be afraid to say hi. :) I'm realllllllly shy, at first.

One way to make yourself aware is to educate yourself about adoption. I learn new things everyday about it. One AWESOME birthmom friend of mine who has been posting facts on her Facebook. I'm going to copy and paste those. She said most of these are on adoption.com

Approximately 7 million Americans are adopted persons

Approximately 140,000 children are adopted by American families each year.

As many as 100 million Americans have adoption in their immediate family (adopting, placing, adopted);

‎72% of adopted adolescents want to know why they were adopted, 65% want to meet their birth parents, and 94% want to know which birth parent they looked like.

A comprehensive study in 1998 found that every birth parent who was surveyed wanted to be found by the child they had placed for adoption

A comprehensive study in 1998 found that 95% of the adoptees who were surveyed expressed a desire to be found by their birth parents.

‎86% of birth mothers and 81% of adoptees support access by adult adoptees to identifying information about their birth parents.

Less than .1% of adoptions are contested each year.

There are an estimated 3.3 adoption seekers for every actual adoption.

From 1999 to 2010 there were 224,615 international adoptions, 141,324 were females and 83,291 were males.

Approximately 130,000 foster care children were waiting to be adopted in 2007.

From 1952 to 1972, 8.7% of all premarital births were placed for adoption.

From 1973 to 1981, this percentage fell to 4.1%.

From 1982 to 1988, it fell further to 2%.

‎51% of teens that become pregnant choose to parent; 35% seek abortions; 14% miscarry. Less than 1% choose to place their children for adoption.

Transracial adoption was not found to be detrimental for the adoptee in terms of adjustment, self-esteem, academic achievement, peer relationships, parental and adult relationships.

15% of U.S. newborn adoptions were matched after the child had already been born.

Another way is to read some blogs. I've already read some FANTASTIC posts:

Why Openness by A Nickel's Worth of Common Sense
My Kids Know Their Birth Moms by The R House

I blogged everyday last year for National Adoption Awareness Month. Check it out here.

You can also read any of the blogs that are on my side bars and on The R House, people who are blogging about adoption have linked up their blogs and you can check them out here.

Adoption.com has many wonderful ideas.
And more events thanks to The R House. Crap, I keep linking up Lindsey's blog like 8 billion times, just look at her blog. That's what I'm really trying to say here! ;)

Somethings that I've personally done, I have been going to the expectant parent group every week and educating the girls who are undecided with their unplanned pregnancies. The group I went to last night, all of them were 17 and planning to parent. Maybe we need more birthmoms to come to group? Don't take this the wrong way- I'm not trying to recruit or make people place their babies for adoption. I know it's a VERY personal decision but it's good to look at ALL options and to see that girls who do place their babies for adoption do "survive" it.

I recently did a panel as well like the end of October but close enough right? ;)

Also,

I would LOVE to highlight anyone who is hoping to adopt or to put their blog on my side bars. If you're interested leave a comment or e-mail me. :)

Love me some adoption stufffffs <3

Are you happy to see me?!!

2011-10-12T11:42:00.000-07:00

Oh gosh. My heart is pounding. I haven't written a post on here in 5ish months. So much has changed.

Just to let you know, I still blog. I have a new blog. I'm not posting it on here but if you'd like to be a reader: send me an e-mail or hook me up with your e-mail on formspring. :) My new blog isn't private. I'm doing a mini screening so I don't have REAL creepers creepin'. That's all.

Just so you're aware.

This has happened. Little miss turned 2 on September 23, 2011.

This has happened. We're officially, forever as of September 24, 2011. (One year anniversary)

And my heart is whole again <3

Thanks for all you wonderful readers (I MISS YOU!). Thanks for all the wonderful words and prayers that you all have said when I was in a very dark place 5 months ago. I feel really at peace and whole. The break was much needed and I feel like I can be healthy and move on. I'm debating whether or not if I should come back and have this be an adoption blog, I'm just not one to keep up with two blogs. What do y'all think? :)

Goodbye.

2011-05-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

There was some good news but here comes the... I wouldn't call it bad so I will just call it news...

I will try to make this short and simple. Even though my emotions are super complicated right now. Over two years ago, I found out I was pregnant and it changed my life forever. I met some incredible people that I will never forget. I met my first baby girl and that day was perfect. I wouldn't ever change a thing. Then days later, I had broken my heart to give her more than I could at that time. Two parents who were going to love her unconditionally and give her everything. The answer I received was that she wasn't meant to be with my family, she was meant to be with the J's.

Over the past two years, I have written over 300 blog posts. I never thought how much my story could impact strangers and how their stories of trial, difficulty and peace in the end- could impact me. I learned life lessons through these wonderful people in the blogging world and I'm very appreciative and grateful for all that everyone has shared.

I say with a heavy heart, I'm enduring another hard goodbye. I've decided... and this was my decision and only my decision to make. As much as I have loved my open adoption and the peace that it has given me knowing my little girl is being taken care of and she's happy. I've come to the decision to verbally close the adoption. In other words, the adoption could easily open back up over time or when Olivia is ready to talk to me. It has been getting harder, when it should be easier. I believe it's been harder because I've been holding on to those two days at the hospital for far too long. I'm holding on to something that isn't mine anymore.

I have so many fears and wishes. I've gone back to placement day. A day that I hoped to have long forgotten the torment and the sorrow that came with it. But I know that someday, I will find the peace that I've prayed for days and nights during my pregnancy and post placement. It might not have come immediately, but it still came.

I fear that Olivia will think I have abandoned her but I wish with all of my heart that her parents will educate her and let her know that it isn't the case. I have already given her the best. I have played a small but significant role in her life and she has many more life experiences to be written in her own book.

I wish that one day that she will want to find me and to know about me. To know about her and my love for her. I fear that she will never know how much I love her and that I deeply care about her. I wish someday she will seek for that.

I will be starting another blog. I don't know when- but I'm not going to announce it on here when I do. Please don't add me on Facebook or leave rude questions on my Formspring or ask me "what happened." It's not your business. If I wanted to make it your business, I would announce it here or just tell you in person. So, take this as a goodbye. I'm truly grateful for everything that everyone has ever done for me and for your kind words. Right now, all I need is your prayers. Thank you so much for reading this and I hope it continues to inspire those who continue through this journey of adoption. My journey ends here... for now.

Tonight is another night where I will hold my "Olivia bear" wrapped in her hospital blankets wishing it was her and that tomorrow wasn't ever going to come. But tomorrow always does. We don't need to hold on to yesterday. We don't need to fear tomorrow, but embrace it. This too shall pass.

‎"If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is; even if we’re apart.. i’ll always be with you."
— Winnie the Pooh

If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say, "But I lived through it. And it made me who I am today."

WINNERRRR

2011-05-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I made a print screen of the person who won but for some reason, it's not working. So you're just going to have to trust me.

Winner is.... COMMENT #11

Carlie and Trent and Co. :)

Congrats!!!

Bree will contact you and you can set up when your free photoshoot will be!

Thanks for everyone else who joined in on the giveaway fun! :) I will send something out to you all who participated!! E-mail me your address. My e-mail is in my about me.

PHOTO SESH GIVEAWAAYYYY

2011-05-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

Hey, I know I rarely ever do these but they're SO MUCH fun when I do. :) So my friend from Bluebird Pictures, Bree, asked me host this giveaway. I think I met her almost 2 years ago. I met her while I was pregnant. She has a personality that will light up a room.

Well, Bree is an aspiring photographer. She has recently started her own business. She would like to do a photo session giveaway and since it was recently Birthmother's/Mother's day. She would like to do this in honor of Birthmoms (You don't have to be a birthmom to win this giveaway)! I support this ;) And you want to know something extra special about Bree? She placed a baby for adoption 8 1/2 years ago so she's a birthmom too! She's my role model birthmom :)

You know A-families would be a perfect gift for the birthparents in your life? Some fabulous pictures :) Or hoping to adopt? This would be some great pictures to put on your profile or pass along cards. I know when my A-family was in town what I really wanted for my birthday was to take some pictures (the timing just didn't work when they were here to do them). So birthmoms- if the adoptive family lives close by take some pictures with them. :) Or if they live far away you can send some to them or maybe a cute new facebook profile pic-pic. :)

Here are the guidelines:

Anyone can enter including adoptive families/couples/or if there are some peeps out there that aren't involved in adoption but you HAVE to love adoption. No adoption haters.

The session will include:

Time, talent

10 edited images on a disc

choice of location or studio

an 8x10 of your choice

To enter, you need to follow MY blog. Bluebird's photography blog. And "like" Bree's photography page- Bluebird Pictures on Facebook.

Also you need to leave a comment who this is for. :) i.e. I'm a birthmom. I'm an adoptive mom. I'm an adoptee. I'm a friend of so and so who's a birthmom. I love adoption. One of my family members is adopted. My friend is adopted. Whatever it is :)

You need to comment on THIS post to be qualified stating that youv'e met the criteria :)

-Follow My Blog

-Follow Bluebird Pictures Blog

-"Like" Bluebird Pictures on Facebook

-Who this is for/why you love adoption

Feel free to share this on your Facebook or blog. I want EVERYONE in Utah to know about this :)

And if you don't win this giveaway, feel free to look at her services. She has very affordable prices!! She's doing some "bridals" for me coming up. :) I'm SO excited!

The deadline for this giveaway is: Sunday, May 15th 11:59 P.M.
We will randomize the name on Monday.

Love Adoption <3

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

You all think you have a great mom? Well, mine is the BEST! Just sayin'.

My mom wrote her side of the story while I was going through my pregnancy and after placement. You can read that here. Be prepared. You're going to need some tissues. <3 My mom is SO wonderful. I know growing up I used to think, "I never want to be like my mom." Well, I've grown up and I've changed and I hope with all of my heart that I'm just like her. My mom has always been there for me, through the good and the bad times. She's my best friend and I can tell her anything and everything. I love my mommy :)

Today, is a very special day for some very special people in my life. Well, two years ago yesterday, I went into an ultrasound to figure out what gender my baby was going to be. I was nervously awaiting the news. I was in the waiting room with my mom, my sister Kat, and N (the birthfather). The night before THAT, I had all the anxiety in the world. I had all these what if's run through my mind. What if this wasn't real? What if I'm having a hysterical pregnancy and I'm just getting fat (haha)? What if D & V find out that I'm going to place with them (I really wanted it to be a surprise)? What if they don't accept me or my baby?

That day was a very peaceful day for me. I was laying down in the chair and before the ultrasound started. We went around the room to say what we thought the gender was. In the beginning of my pregnancy, I really wanted a boy. Only because I come from a house full of girls and my sister was also pregnant at the time and she just found out she had a boy. So I was pretty dead set on it. And then last minute, I changed my mind. It was like I KNEW I was going to have a girl. N said, boy. My mom and sister said girl.

My what if's faded away as I saw my little GIRL dancing on the screen. A girl. A daughter for D&V. My heart didn't hurt the way I thought it would. My heart knew what it was going to be and who she was meant to be with. There's no way to explain my emotions that day. Me and my sister hurried to Wal*Mart to grab all the girlie things we could find to send in an overnight package to Virginia.

Then it was the waiting game. I waited all the next day for it to arrive. I'm pretty sure I checked the tracking number and I knew it was there because someone had signed it. And I was hoping that they were going to call me before I went into work before 5. But I still hadn't heard anything. I checked my phone and I had a missed call. I hurried to the bathroom to call them back and tell them I wasn't ignoring them and that I was just at work and I was going to have to call them back later.

My heart was pounding until I got off work. I called them and they picked up on the second ring. Their voices seemed so nervous to be excited over the phone. I wanted confirmation right away if they were planning on being my little girl's parents. They yelled, "YES! Of course, we would LOVE to!" V wanted to wait and open it until D came home from work because it had his name on it too.

Here's the day that I blogged about this very loving experience. These two days are the days that I keep in my heart forever. Kind of lucky that this year they both landed on Birth Mother's Day and Mother's Day. :)

I read this AWESOME article that Mrs. R posted on Facebook. You can read the article here. But this quote is what I needed to read,

I’ll never say “Happy Birthmother’s Day” to anyone, because that’s not what it is for me. But I will wish birthmothers everywhere — whether they acknowledge today or not — peace for this weekend. It’s a hard weekend and it involves a realization of that loss whether you stand with others or not. You are all in my heart.

I needed this peace today. Today, I think about my mom. I think about the women who have for years (or still) grieve about Mother's day and hope they find their peace. I think about the women who have waited for years to face Mother's day with their miracle baby. I think about V and the wonderful mother she is to Olivia and the example she is not in just Olivia's life but in my life. When choosing a family, I knew I wanted to pick the perfect example of a mother that I wanted to be. I wanted to pick a perfect father figure the way I want my husband to be. I think I found the perfect family. Mrs. R just has a way with words. I love what she believes the way Mother's Day should be celebrated, read it here.

"I pray I never forget that I became a mother through the broken heart of another. Today [tomorrow] my motherhood will be celebrated but yesterday [today] I chose to honor the mother whose ultimate sacrifice makes my today [tomorrow] possible." - Jill Catlet

The [brackets] are what the real quote is but I'm applying it for today.

For birthmother's day: I got a super cute picture message of Olivia and a very sugary, sweet text from the A-fam. <3 love them dearly. I got up at like 9 in the morning and while my husband was sleeping, I would sneak back into bed just to snuggle for a bit. That lasted until about 11. Then we went out to lunch. Got my mom her Mother's day gift. Did some laundry and cleaned our apartment (while finishing all of Friday Night Lights on Netflix). My husband also made me s'getti for dinner. He's the greatest husband in the world! :) I'm so lucky to have him. I'm lucky to have all of these fabulous people in my life.

I love this article too, On Mother's Day, Honor Moms Who Chose Adoption Over Abortion.

I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's day and celebrate in your own special way. Either celebrating yourself being a first time mom (or a mother again), honoring your mom, remembering the child you have lost, honoring yourself (or friend or relative) and the selfless sacrifice you made for the child you have placed or celebrating that you gave the gift of motherhood to a special woman in your life.

Happy Birth Mother's Day!

2011-05-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

Happy BirthMother's Day! Remember the selfless sacrifice that BMoms have done with all the capacity of their hearts and placing their angels for adoption. Remember who they are and the courageous souls they have. Thank them for giving the gift to someone to be a family the treasure they couldn't give themselves. Repost this if you or someone you know didn't give their child up but has given their child more.

Repost this via blog, facebook or twitter :)

Originially it said:
Happy Birth Mother's Day! Remember the self-less sacrifice that birth moms have given their children by putting them first and loving them with all the capacity in their hearts and place their angels for adoption. Remember who they are and the courageous souls they have. Thank them for giving the gift to someone to be a family, the treasure they couldn't give themselves. Repost this, if you or someone you know didn't give their child up but has given them more. I'm a proud birthmommy!

But it had too many characters to post as a facebook status :)

I think I have already written about Birthmother's day before. But that was my first one and I think I was bitter about the fact that we all couldn't be celebrated as Mother's on the same day. But my heart has been softening towards it, after a year. Mother's day is still really difficult for me. I thought maybe that I could pull it off. But I knew I couldn't. I cried when someone announced they were pregnant at Church. How could I possibly be ready for Mother's day? Well, I'm a primary teacher and the Sunday before. They practice all of the Mother's day songs for the next Sunday. And I'm just bawling through all of the songs and just left. I don't have a little someone singing those songs to me, she's singing for the mother I gave her. I know it would probably be better for me to focus on my own Mother but I can't help but think, "I'm a mother." Which is stupid because I know I'm not. It's such an out of body experience for me to see her and to think, I gave birth to this little one and a half year old. I don't remember her growing up. I remember holding her in my arms, tears streaming down my face and kissing her forehead and wishing silently for another day as her mom.

I like what Brittany said on her blog, "Birthmother's day comes first, because you came first."

It's every birthmother's perosnal preference which day they want to celebrate "their" day. Birth Mother's day is always the day before Mother's Day. Happy BirthMother's day to you wonderful women! :)

Are you an adoptive parent and don't know what to do for birthmother's/mother's day for that special woman in your life? Check out this article. Or check out some sweet gifts here.

Two years ago today... I found out I was having a baby girl!!! :)

Videos 4/26

2011-04-27T09:27:00.000-07:00

Turned 21

2011-04-26T22:45:00.000-07:00

Hey y'all.

I turned 21. Today. In 15 minutes my birthday will be over. It's been the BEST birthday EVER! I got to spend it all day with Olivia and her momma. <3 She's the sweetest little thing. She's really shy at first but that girl has got some SPUNK when she warms up to you. By the end of the night, she was snuggling with me. What a sweetheart :)

I would post more but I need to go to bed to get up for work in the morning. I will post when I have time. Tomorrow I'm doing a birthparent panel for a young womens group then on Thursday I might be driving up North Salt Lake for a weddinggggg. V's bro to be exact :) Congrats to them!

Easter

2011-04-24T00:08:00.000-07:00

"May we declare ourselves to be more fully disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, not in word only and not only in the flush of comfortable times but in deed and in courage and in faith, including when the path is lonely and when our cross is difficult to bear.This Easter week and always, may we stand by Jesus Christ “at all times and in all things, and in all places that we may be in, even until death,” for surely that is how He stood by us when it was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone."

This was by Elder Holland you can read the rest of his talk here.

My dad gave us a book for Christmas called Our Savior Jesus Christ- His Life and Mission to Cleanse and Heal by David J. Ridges. He gave us a challenge this week to read chapter 14 each day of the last week of Our Savior's Life. It has strengthened my testimony of the Savior and of His atonement and of his resurrection. I'm deeply grateful for everything He has done for all of us. He has never left me alone in my time of need and has answered my prayers and I will be forever grateful to Him and his sacrifice for the world. He is Risen.

Just wanted to share this little treasure. Olivia with her Easter basket <3 So grateful for her to have this knowledge of the Gospel.

I hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend and think of our Savior today and everyday.

Q&A

2011-04-16T17:35:00.000-07:00

I had someone ask me if I can help them with their presentation for college about adoption. I found a Q&A on another blog and she used that for her power point. I love being able to share my story with others so they have more of an understanding of what birthmom's go through. That's a lot of the reason for my blog... to understand. Maybe it might not be every birthmother out there. But it's for myself. That maybe some girl out there might need to find the answers to her questions. Or for an adoptive family to know how much we hurt or what makes us happy. Lately, I've just been in a roller coaster of emotions. This may or may not be the last post I make for a while.

1. What emotions did you experience when you initially found out about the pregnancy?
I was scared out of my mind. I was nervous. I was mad that I had those feelings just because I always imagined when I found out I was pregnant that I could surprise my husband and we would be so giddy and so excited. But this time it was different. I didn't know what to expect at 18. And as of two weeks prior to finding out about my pregnancy, I was newly single. I had no one to share this "excitement" with and to tell me that everything was going to be okay. I had to tough it up all on my own. And that was scary to know that I wasn't just in charge of my life but this new little life. I made enough mistakes, I needed to make this one right.

2. Did you plan for single-parenting or marriage?
I thought for the first little while that marriage could possibly be an option. My boyfriend had only broken up with me for two weeks and maybe he still had feelings for me? When we broke up he told me about getting married to me and raising a family. So what would be different now, besides the fact that it's all backwards? When he told me that he didn't want to get married, I wanted to try to make single parenting work. I was going to LDS Family Services at the time for counseling and I was able to look at all of my options. Marriage, Single Parenting and Adoption. I made pros and cons lists of everything and what would be the best for everyone involved.

3. Why did you consider adoption? Did you consider abortion as an option?
I considered adoption because at the time, I was going to school for dental assisting and trying to finish that up. I was living with my parents. I wanted my baby to have the best and I wanted to be able to spoil my children (hey, gotta love kids and spoil them a little bit). Not just financial. Being LDS, I knew it wasn't right to deny my baby a sealing covenant. I was sealed to my parents and I knew my baby couldn't be sealed to me unless I was married and sealed to my husband. I wanted to have that eternal family. I didn't know when I would be married or if anybody would marry somebody who has had a baby out of wedlock. I knew my little girl needed a mom and a dad. I couldn't be both and I knew she needed them both in her life.
I never considered abortion. Someone may have asked me or I may had just thought about it if I could ever go through with it. But the immediate answer was no. I already knew this special spirit that I was growing and that I loved her more than anything. I could never take the life away that she deserves.

4. What were your major concerns when considering adoption?
A lot of my major concerns, previous to counseling, was that I was never going to see my baby ever again and that she wouldn't know that I loved her. After counseling, those fears were cleared up. With having an open adoption I am able to receive pictures, go on trips with them, and I would watch her grow up. Her parents would let her know how much I loved her and that this was a huge sacrifice for me. I'm sure my fear after counseling was that the adoptive parents wouldn't follow through with their promises or just cut off contact. They wouldn't have to respond to my e-mails or my phone calls. They're not under legal obligation to do so. It's all based on trust and honesty.

5. Did you have any specifications when searching for your adoptive couple?
I don't think I ever did. I didn't have a list written out. I wasn't very picky. I wasn't looking for a famous billionaire to take my child in as a charity case. She isn't that. She is worth more to me than anybody could buy and I wanted someone to feel that same way about her. I did specifically want somebody I knew. That's a long shot. Or at least someone that knew the person. I couldn't just pick a random couple from a pile and say they're the parents. I don't know anything about them and how do I know they'll treat my daughter with respect? I was determining my child's life and future, I can't mess this up. I also wanted a couple that lived out of state. I didn't want them to live down the street so I could stop by and co-parent. I wanted them to be the parents. Not me. And I was able to find those people.

6. How long into the pregnancy did you wait before selecting a couple?
I found out that D and V were looking to adopt about the week before my birthday, the end of April. I was due in September. D is my brother in-law's best friend since they were about 8 years old. They have grown up together and I knew them when my sister was married and D came over to hang out with them. D and V met at BYU and it all started from there so I've known them since I was about 14 or 15 years old. They were so nice to everyone and love to play board games. My family is big on board games. They moved away to go to school in Virginia. They were able to have one biological son and they haven't been able to have any since. V found out through my sister that I was pregnant and I was still looking at my options. She e-mailed my sister letting her know they had recently put in their adoption papers to be approved and to adopt. My sister let me know and my heart broke for them. They are both loving and caring people. I know they adore their little boy and I knew they were already great parents. I grew up with all sisters and no brothers and that sort of was a blessing in disguise because on May 7th. I found out I was having a little girl. I had been e-mailing V back and forth and I just think the moment I found out they were looking to adopt, that's when I knew that they were the ones. I sent them a package that night with little girl things and a letter letting them know they were the parents. They called me the next day and were so giddy and happy. That's the reaction I was looking for in myself, but I found it through them.

Visiting them in Virginia before Olivia was born.

7. Looking at the way your birth child is being raised, are there any parenting practices you disagree with? Or value differences?
You know, I don't disagree with anything. They are so patient with their kids and they never raise their voices with them. They teach them Gospel principles, daily. I just see her in pictures and that smile on her face, lets me know that everything was worth it.

8. Is there anything you would change about your current placement?
I don't think I would change anything. I think it's perfect the way it is. I wouldn't pick anybody else to raise my daughter. They do a perfect job doing it and they're great in informing me what's going on in their lives. They make me feel like I'm apart of their family and I'm just so grateful for that.

Olivia's sealing day
Left to right- V, Olivia, me, Tayler, D & B

9. How do you feel about the adoptive parents? Is the relationship open/closed? Would you change the current arrangement?
I love them. They're like my best friends. I can e-mail them when I'm having a bad day. I can ask them for pictures if I just want to see her cute face and they're more than willing. But it's not just that it's revolved around Olivia (my birthdaughter). We talk about other things like school and jobs. The relationship is VERY open. I don't think I would change it. I'm sure over time it will change because our lives will be busier. I recently got married about 6 months ago and just even that, I haven't been able to contact them as much as I usually do. We used to call and such but now it's mostly through e-mail.

Placement day with birthfather, N.

10. How was your family effected by the adoption?
I know it wasn't just me losing my daughter in my life. It was my parents losing their granddaughter. It was my sister's losing their niece. My nieces and nephews losing a cousin. I could never replace that hurt that they have gone through from my own personal decisions. It wasn't just me effected by it. My whole family was. I remember my sister telling me at the hospital when V's sister came to visit and she was going to be Olivia's aunt and my sister's heart hurt knowing that she was going to love on her new niece that somebody else was going to. Let me tell you a little about placement. Placement is sort of just symbolism of me placing her in the arms of her new parents. So at placement, I placed her in the arms of her new mom. That's why I prefer the term, I PLACED my baby for adoption. I didn't give her up or give up on her. I didn't put her up for adoption/I didn't put her up on Craigslist for someone to buy from me. I willingly and lovingly did that act for her. But no one could've ever prepared me for the moment to do that, no amount of counseling would've taken the heartache away from me. Two days after having her with me in the hospital, I relinquished my rights as a parent to the consent of adoption. After two whole days of being her mom and watching her and taking care of her. I was now to put myself to the test of if I could really trust D and V to watch her and take care of her. My heart broke into a million pieces. Over time, I have been able to pick up some of those pieces and have peace in my hear that I've made the right decision. The first year was the hardest and unforgettable. But I know if I didn't have the open adoption I had now. I'm sure I would question a lot of what I did. If it were closed, I wouldn't know if she was okay. If she knew that I loved her or if she was ever going to know me or if she was adopted. But I know that D & V will protect her and let her know where she came from. What's wrong with having 2 moms, 2 dads, 8 grandparents- to me that just equals endless amounts of love for her.

Placing Olivia in V's arms

11. Do you want to have more children?
I would love to have more kids more than anything. You know, since placement there will always be that space in my heart that I will miss her and want her. Not that I regret my decision, because I don't. I look at the grief as if someone close to me has passed away (I'm not trying to belittle anybody by making this comparison. I've lost a few people in my life). That's the closest I can compare the loss to. They were apart of your life, you will always love them and miss them even if they're not in your life now. You're not just going to forget about them. Life will go on but you will never forget the one child that you didn't take home from the hospital.

This was at my wedding in September 2010.

FYI. Tayler is not her birthdad.

12. How would you feel if you were unable to conceive again? Would you consider adopting?
I would feel just like any other infertile couple. I would be sad. I would be mad. I would probably question my faith like most people do when they struggle through infertility. I would be mad just because I went through the hardest thing that someone could do for their own child and I would question why I went through that and not be able to have my own kids. I know it would probably feel like hell. But God doesn't give us a trial that we can't overcome. I'm sure I would consider adoption because I would love to have a family with my husband.

Feel free to ask me more questions on my formspring or in the comments section.

Here

2011-04-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share this talk today from general conference last weekend.

General Conference / April 2011

The Atonement Covers All Pain

Kent F. Richards

Of the Seventy

Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become “a saint through the atonement of Christ.”

As a surgeon, I found that a significant portion of my professional time was taken up with the subject of pain. Of necessity I surgically inflicted it almost daily—and much of my effort was then spent trying to control and alleviate pain.

I have pondered about the purpose of pain. None of us is immune from experiencing pain. I have seen people cope with it very differently. Some turn away from God in anger, and others allow their suffering to bring them closer to God.

Like you, I have experienced pain myself. Pain is a gauge of the healing process. It often teaches us patience. Perhaps that is why we use the term patient in referring to the sick.

Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”

Similarly, Elder Robert D. Hales has said:

“Pain brings you to a humility that allows you to ponder. It is an experience I am grateful to have endured. …

“I learned that the physical pain and the healing of the body after major surgery are remarkably similar to the spiritual pain and the healing of the soul in the process of repentance.”

Much of our suffering is not necessarily our fault. Unexpected events, contradicting or disappointing circumstances, interrupting illness, and even death surround us and penetrate our mortal experience. Additionally, we may suffer afflictions because of the actions of others.Lehi noted that Jacob had “suffered … much sorrow, because of the rudeness of [his] brethren.”Opposition is part of Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness. We all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Father’s love and of our need for the Savior’s help.

The Savior is not a silent observer. He Himself knows personally and infinitely the pain we face.

“He suffereth the pains of all men, yea, the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children.”

“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.”

Sometimes in the depth of pain, we are tempted to ask, “Is there no balm in Gilead; is there no physician there?”I testify the answer is yes, there is a physician. The Atonement of Jesus Christ covers all these conditions and purposes of mortality.

There is another kind of pain for which we are responsible. Spiritual pain lies deep within our souls and can feel unquenchable, even as being racked with an“inexpressible horror,” as Alma described.It comes from our sinful actions and lack of repentance. For this pain too there is a cure that is universal and absolute. It is from the Father, through the Son, and it is for each of us who is willing to do all that is necessary to repent. Christ said, “Will ye not now return unto me … and be converted, that I may heal you?”

Christ Himself taught:

“And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me. …

“Therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me.”

Perhaps His most significant work is in the ongoing labor with each of us individually to lift, to bless, to strengthen, to sustain, to guide, and to forgive us.

As Nephi saw in vision, much of Christ’s mortal ministry was devoted to blessing and healing the sick with all kinds of maladies—physical, emotional, and spiritual. “And I beheld multitudes of people who were sick, and who were afflicted with all manner of diseases. … And they were healed by the power of the Lamb of God.”

Alma also prophesied that “he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and … he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. …

“That his bowels may be filled with mercy, … that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.”

Late one night lying in a hospital bed, this time as a patient and not as a physician, I read those verses over and over again. I pondered: “How is it done? For whom? What is required to qualify? Is it like forgiveness of sin? Do we have to earn His love and help?” As I pondered, I came to understand that during His mortal life Christ chose to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand us. Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes.

President Henry B. Eyring taught: “It will comfort us when we must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us. … And faith in that power will give us patience as we pray and work and wait for help. He could have known how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience.”

I felt the encircling arms of His love that night.Tears watered my pillow in gratitude. Later, as I was reading in Matthew about Christ’s mortal ministry, I made another discovery: “When the even was come, they brought unto him many … and he … healed all that were sick.”He healed all that came to Him. None were turned away.

As Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught: “Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.”All that will come may be “clasped in the arms of Jesus.”All souls can be healed by His power. All pain can be soothed. In Him, we can “find rest unto [our] souls.”Our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm.

I have noted that children are often more naturally accepting of pain and suffering. They quietly endure with humility and meekness. I have felt a beautiful, sweet spirit surrounding these little ones.

Thirteen-year-old Sherrie underwent a 14-hour operation for a tumor on her spinal cord. As she regained consciousness in the intensive care unit, she said: “Daddy, Aunt Cheryl is here, … and … Grandpa Norman … and Grandma Brown … are here. And Daddy, who is that standing beside you? … He looks like you, only taller. … He says he’s your brother, Jimmy.” Her uncle Jimmy had died at age 13 of cystic fibrosis.

“For nearly an hour, Sherrie … described her visitors, all deceased family members. Exhausted, she then fell asleep.”

Later she told her father, “Daddy, all of the children here in the intensive care unit have angels helping them.”

To all of us the Savior said:

“Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.

“Fear not, little children, for you are mine. …

“Wherefore, I am in your midst, and I am the good shepherd.”

Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become “a saint through the atonement of Christ.”The pain you and I experience may be where this process is most measured. In extremity, we can become as children in our hearts, humble ourselves, and “pray and work and wait” patiently for the healing of our bodies and our souls. As Job, after being refined through our trials, we “shall come forth as gold.”

I bear testimony that He is our Redeemer, our Friend, our Advocate, the Great Physician, the Great Healer. In Him we can find peace and solace in and from our pain and our sins if we will but come unto Him with humble hearts. His “grace is sufficient.”In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

The story about the girl in the hospital bed give me the chills. I think about how many angels were surrounding me the day I gave birth to Olivia and they were there to comfort me in the extreme pain of placing Olivia for adoption. I know through the pain and the tears that those angels were giving me all of their strength to be able to let Olivia be with her eternal family.

This song means a lot to me, I just wanted to share it.

"Here"
Rascal Flatts

There's a place I've been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to
Reach
Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
In a love I never thought I'd get to get to
-here
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
Oh, baby-Ooo
Oh, got me here

When and How.

2011-04-06T21:18:00.000-07:00

I've had a few questions before on my formspring if and when I was going to tell my future kids and how I would tell them that I placed a baby for adoption. I've always said, "We'll see when we get there." But really, I had no idea. I'm going to talk about P.H. again. She was a guest speaker at our group last week and it made me really think about it.

She didn't tell her oldest son until he was about 16 and told her younger daughters later about the child she had placed. Because she had a closed adoption she wasn't sure if her birthson could show up on her door step when he had turned 18. But finding out, that he really couldn't do that.

Either before she was pregnant or still in the hospital, she had shared with us some of the letters she wrote to him. Which is very vulnerable. I don't share very many of my letters to anybody. So props to her to be able to show that side of herself.

She had told him that even if they didn't meet in this life again that she was always going to love him, think about him and care about him. She also mentioned that she had signed papers saying that she was on a list to be found and she wanted him to find her when he turned 18.

He told her when they started talking again or when they met face to face again, "All you asked of me was to find you and you did everything for me. It's the least I could do after all that you have sacrificed for me."

“Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you’re not really losing it. You’re just passing it on to someone else.”

—	The Five People You Meet in Heaven

I mention all of this because when she had told her kids. She told them that she placed under 3 conditions.

1. Don't think that this was okay.- "Well mom turned out fine, so I can do it too."

2. Don't use it against me.- Such as in argument or to hurt me intentionally.

3. Don't tell anybody.- I say for this one. They can say that they KNOW someone who placed but don't say their mom.

I haven't even told people in my ward that I had a baby and placed. That's hard for me to say.

This also reminds me of a story that she told. She brought her birthson on a trip with P.H., her husband, her 3 girls and her parents. There were 3 rooms. So she had a room with her husband. Her girls shared a room. And her parents had her own room and he had a couch.

So he felt like he wasn't apart of the family but not giving him a room/bed.

She was also talking to someone and her birthson was standing next to her and they asked how many kids she had and she said 4. If including her birthson, that would be 5. She was just used to saying 4 to everyone since not everyone knew she was a birthmom.

He didn't last 24 hours on the trip and wanted to go home. He was so mad that he didn't understand why he had to come first and why the son that she had with her husband came first so that way he could placed for adoption and he could be with her family. It was such a sad story. But it was an eye opener. Because even now, I tell people that I don't have any kids. I just hope I can explain it and maybe explain it to Olivia when she's older and she'll understand.

You might be upset and sure you have a reason to be,

but how many reasons do you have to be happy? A lot more.

Not that I don't think about Olivia. I do stutter. It's not easy for me to say it. I'm sure it will. But I also know my role as a birthmom. I'm not going to claim that my birthdaughter is my daughter. I'm not raising her. She's not in my home. She's in the home that I placed her in. She's with her mom and dad. Not with me. I don't want to stake my claim if it's not my part to claim. I will claim I gave birth to her and for those who know I have placed but I'm not going to tell it to the person that I met 5 minutes ago.

I know that probably doesn't seem true since I have a blog and I'm so open about it. But there is a time and a place to tell everything. I don't think I can ever hide Olivia as some "deep, dark secret." I love open adoption.

Tonight at the expectant parent group there was an adoptive parent panel. And they talked about how the daughter they adopted, who was only 5 wanted to call her birthmom to find out her favorite princess. I want Olivia to be able to come to me and say that. Maybe not that exact thing but that she'll be able to know my favorites, our differences, our similarities, my/her dislikes, my/her likes, I want her to know every single part of me that she wants and I want to know everything about her that she'll allow me to know.

We talked about too about the boundaries. Like when Olivia is a teenager- if she's anything like I was. Then I know there will be a lot of... heck. haha. I thought at first, "I don't want her to come to my house and say, 'I got in a fight and I want to live with my birthfamily forever." I thought, um, no. I'm not your parent. I'm not just going to take over. But the way a family explained to me that their birthmom wouldn't mind that just because they know that she's going to go her and not to a friend's house that's a bad influence. I think it's incredible. Even if I'm not next door neighbors. I would still want her to call and talk to me about it.

I'm sure I'm jumping all over topics and such so I hope this all makes sense. It has made me really think a lot about the future and my kids. I know my future kids will not fill the hole that I have in my heart from placing Olivia. I know I love Olivia with all of my heart but my kids will need to come first. Like Olivia & B comes first in D&V's life.

I don't know exactly when I will tell my kids. If they'll always grow up knowing that I placed a baby for adoption so they can deal with it and be okay with it. Or just wait until I feel like they're mature enough to understand. I just don't think I can hide it. And if Olivia grows up knowing that she's adopted and that she knows about her half brothers and sisters then why would it be fair that they don't know about her? I want my kids to be able to trust me and know that I wasn't perfect. I don't want to lie and think they can't live up to my expectations. I'm a "real" person that understands true temptations, trials and tribulations but I also understand the power of the atonement and to turn my life around and have the Gospel back in my life when I've gone astray. I want them to know even though it'd break my heart if they picked my path- I want them to know they can always turn to the Lord, even if they can't come to me about it.

Oh BTW. I'm starting to do pseudonyms through my blog so if you know the adoptive family's name or the birth father and his family's name. Please don't use them in comments or else I can't accept it or will need to delete them.

I'm also adding more couples hoping to adopt. If you notice you're not on my side bar and would like to be added, leave a comment with your blog link. Or if you have been blessed through adoption and want to share your story. If you're a birth parent then let me know if you want your blog added too. :) Let me know. I'm trying to update all this!

Group

2011-03-31T20:55:00.000-07:00

Group today was simply amazing. Our group was initially going to be a husbands of birthmothers panel but then I guess it just didn't work out and we had a birthmom come and tell her story. I will call her, P.H.

She placed almost 25 years ago and she had a closed adoption and when her son turned 18. He found her. It was such an amazing story. Maybe I'll ask her to guest post for me sometime. Her story had me in tears.

I will tell you the part that stuck out to me the most. I was reading D&V's blog and they were posting some updates about Olivia and what she is into. They called her little mischievous. Which was me. Literally, everything that they listed is what I did when I was younger. Or so I was told.

She colors on the walls.
She unlocks doors and runs away.

That was me.

In P.H.'s story it just reminded me of that. She was saying about her birthson, "No one is going to know him like I do. They're not going to know how to comfort him or react to him, he's part me. I know me and he's part me. He has my personality and I get him."

She has had a relationship with him for 6 years. It's a good relationship for them. She says there are things that really make him and her butt heads just because they're so much alike.

I just have thought about, what if Olivia doesn't ever feel accepted a part of her family because she's adopted? I know her parents will let her know she's loved even if she's not their DNA. Yes, DNA is a big part- that's the whole reason why she's here. But DNA doesn't make a family. A mom, dad and brother and their love make them a family.

I want her to be able to come to me and say, I don't get this, can you help me? I feel like no one else gets me.

I want that. I want her to understand, I do get her. But that doesn't mean that no one loves her. Everyone loves her and they want to understand her. But they might not all understand or get her, on a level like I do. I may not be her mother, but I'm her birth mother.

I know I might not be able to comfort her when she falls and scraps her knee and physically be there to tell her I love her everyday and kiss her goodnight. But I know I will be there to comfort her emotionally when she needs help figuring out who she is, where she comes from. Even with an open adoption, a child can still have an identity crisis and not know who they are. They need that other part. "They need all the PIECES to have the PEACE."

P.H. said one other thing that I love- she wrote in her letter to her birthson that something to the extent, "I want to live right and I will live my life by making this the right decision." We have a choice to let every decision and every consequence make us or break us. Every person has that agency. Anyone is free to throw a pity party for themselves and blame whoever they want but ultimately, it was your choice.

Yeah, somedays it sucks for me and I want to throw myself a pity party but I know every night before I go to sleep. I have the comfort of knowing she's okay, she's safe and she's happy. And that's all I need to know.

I love group when I just feel the Spirit throughout the night that brings me to tears and gives me the chills, constantly. The nights of group that give me the simple reminder that I've made the right decision for my little girl.

We must carry this in our hearts, what we have is special. That it can be taken from us and that when it is taken from us, we will be tested. We will be tested to our very souls. It is these times, it is this pain, that allows us to look inside
ourselves. - Friday Night Lights

P.S. I have like a million little picture quote things, I find them on Tumblr. Should I post all the ones I have on Facebook? :) Or make a blog with them?

UBC Day 30

2011-03-30T18:36:00.000-07:00

Finally! It's OVER! :)

Day 30 — Write a letter to: Your reflection in the mirror
Dear reflection,
On the outside you are an average looking girl that seems happy or okay. When your husband stands next to you, your smile gets bigger. But there is something below the surface. You've felt true love and have felt true heartbreak. Not a lot of people know that but you can get yourself through anything.

Tell me: Your favorite song at this time last year

I want to know: what you have learned, if anything, about yourself in the last 30 days.
I learned that I'm determined to get things done. And that I like to blog when I'm in the mood to blog and I don't like to when I don't feel like it. Hm. Go figure. Haha.

Show me A photograph of youself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

1. I got a new job
2. Tayler got a new job
3. I gave myself a new challenge to cook every night this week and I have :)

UBC Day 29

2011-03-29T21:15:00.000-07:00

Day 29 — Write a letter to: The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Dear Milly,
I've tried really hard to be nice and be on your good side. I know you and I have some things in common and that maybe that's why you're afraid to get close to me because I remind you of yourself. Things started going down hill once I was engaged and I didn't understand because I thought things were going well and that maybe you'd come around to the idea of us being married. There were so many times that I had to bite my tongue with the things that were being said about me. I noticed that you've been trying. But that's hard for me to know if it's for real or if it's fake. I want us to have a good relationship and to be able to talk but it's tough. I've been trying but I'm afraid to say something that you might take it the wrong way. I wish you could remember what it was like at my age or possibly some of things that I've had to go through. I just want you to know you're going to be apart of our lives and we love you.

Tell me: A song from your childhood
This was the Justin Bieber of my childhood.

I want to know: your Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days.
Oh gosh. Well, Tayler is starting his new job and I hope he'll love it and that he'll be able to stick with it. We should be starting our Temple prep classes soon. I'm turning 21 in less than a month and I'm going to see Olivia ON my birthday. :) We're planning on getting sealed in September. We're pretty sure we have the date. September 24, 2011. Our one year anniversary. Oh my gosh. Then just dreaming about Olivia turning 2. I don't know what we'll do for our anniversary. I want to go to Disneyland but maybe (if we're invited) to go to Chi-town and visit for a few days and be able to celebrate little one's 2nd birthday. It's so insane to think she'll be two. I'm not old enough to have a two year old. Haha. We hope to have a new car soon and get rid of my cougar. I will be taking Tayler's car and he'll be buying himself a new one. We... okay, mostly me, I hope we can start having kids a little bit after we're sealed but we'll see. I kind of want Tayler to go through a semester of school. So we'll see after that. That's all I really have. We plan on living happily ever after and beyondddd.

Tell me Something you could never get tired of doing.
Baha. Drinking diet Pepsi ;) I'm not sure it will probably be being on the internet. Blogging, Facebook, whatever. There are times that I get bored and nothing has changed so I possibly hop on The Sims or play Halo. I currently started watching Friday Night Lights and I'm addicted. Half way through the first season :)

UBC Day 28

2011-03-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

Day 28 — Write a letter to: Someone that changed your life
Dear Baby Doll,

I give you that nickname because that's what I was called when I was your age. You look like a beautiful little china doll. With your pretty porcelain skin (you get that from me). I hope one day that you can look in the mirror and be proud of where you get your pretty face and those beautiful eyes. I pray that you'll know me and that you'll know everything that I did for you. I pray that you will be proud of me and that you'll know it was the hardest thing I've ever done for you. I love you. I love you enough to give you everything that you deserve. You deserve a mom AND a dad. It's more like, you belong with them. They shared you with me. I was able to know your sweet spirit. I got to memorize your movements in my belly. I got to hold you when you first were born. Everyone was there to hear your first cry. We all loved you the minute you were born and don't ever think that we didn't. I prayed that you were going to be mine but I knew that wasn't the answer. You changed me in ways it's hard to explain. You helped me become a better person. You helped me find out who I was. You are my little angel in my life to guide me. I can't ever forget that kind of effect you've had on me. There are days that I wish things could be "normal" and I could be your mom and you could be my daughter. But don't think that means that I regret my decision. It just means I miss you. I miss holding you in my arms. I miss memorizing your little newborn face as you slept, hearing your sighs in your sleep. I could go on. But I still will think of you as my little girl. I will never forget you. There is a poem that I have on the wall in my living room. I want to share it with you. I didn't write it but I think it's beautiful and it reminds me of you, always.

My Little Butterfly

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

You were placed in my arms,

And I couldn’t help but cry.

You were so precious so beautiful.

I stared at you with pride.

Your hands so tiny,

Your eyes so bright.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

And I knew it would be hard

To say goodbye.

I cried for you at night.

How could I let my

Little butterfly go?

Then I thought of the new world

You will see.

Of the loving parents that will

Take care of thee.

And I felt peace.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

And no matter how hard it is,

I must say goodbye.

So, open your wings

And don’t be afraid to fly.

Fly away to a new life.

Where opportunities are

At every door.

And my love around every corner.

You were finally here,

My little butterfly.

But, quickly you left

To live your new life.

You’ll always be in my heart.

Your memory in my every thought.

Those tiny hands,

And bright eyes.

I will forever love you,

My Little Butterfly. © gina 2000

Tell me: A song that makes you feel guilty

I want to know: Say something to your 15 year old self.

Dear 15 year old self,
Don't fall in love with every boy that becomes your boyfriend. It doesn't last. You'll find the one that REALLY fights for you. Not pretends to fight for you just so he doesn't have to be lonely either. But proves to you that he wants to be with you every single day of your life. It might not come now but it will. You won't listen to me because I know me. I wouldn't listen to anybody at 15. I am going to do what I want when I want. But just know, you're going to put yourself through a lot of heartache. And it ain't pretty. You will cast your pearls before swine. Only to not feel special until years down the road. You're going to travel a journey that you're going to cry yourself to sleep every night and pray until you scream. You're going to give something that's so precious to you that it will tear your heart apart. Only to have it slowly mend back together. Even through the tears, you were given the peace. Your prayers were answered. Not all the boys are worth it but you'll find the one that is. It might not have been when you thought you'd find somebody when you were "ready" but God knew you were ready for him to come into your life and he's going to respect you and treat you like a queen. He's going to make you the happiest girl alive. He's going to make all of the past pain seem almost... worth it.

Tell me Your favorite movie.

If I ever am in the mood for a feel-good movie. This is usually the one that I turn on. If I had watched a sad or scary movie, I pop this in right after.

UBC Day 26/27

2011-03-27T21:29:00.000-07:00

I decided to combine the two days just because I missed the one yesterday.

Day 26 — Write a letter to: The last person you made a pinky promise to
It was probably to Tayler promising that I would clean something. Haha. Don't worry. My house is clean now and I got rid of this mountain of laundry that's been gawking at me for like a week. Yesssssss.

Tell me: A song that you can play on an instrument
This was back in the day when I took guitar lessons.

I want to know: About the last "random act of kindness" you encountered.
It's not anything too big but I thought it was really nice. This girl who's desk is like right next to mine at work and she was going to lunch and wanted a shake. I suggested the dubs and if she wanted to get me some food she could. And she did and she didn't want me to pay for it. I wanted to pay her back for it but she wouldn't let me. It was really nice.

Show me a photo of somewhere you've been to.

I've been to Nauvoo twice. Once before they built the temple and the second time after the temple was built for a family reunion. Kiddy corner to the temple is a hotel that we stayed at so pretty much we'd walk outside the temple would just be chillin' right there. hahah. This was barely after I graduated high school. The first time was when we were moving from Florida to Utah. If you go to Nauvoo and go to the hotel. There is a bench in front of the hotel that family had donated for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. :)

Day 27 — Write a letter to: The friendliest person you knew for only one day
How about I met him like a day ago? haha. Ben is a blogging soon to be birthfather. My husband was working and I drove to Salt Lake and we went to a little greek place called the Atlantic. We talked mostly about adoption. He's really so nice, funny and talkative. I liked having a conversation with him and to go back and reminisce and talk about adoption or where I was at the point where he was. That was on the 25th. So it was good for me to have that conversation even though I was like DEAD tired that day and I was a freak. But he's the bomb.com.

Tell me: A song that you wish you could play
MMMMM. Piano.

I want to know: The last thing that made you cry.
The 25th. The year and a half mark of placement. My heart hurt.

Show me A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?

Last Year

March 2011

A lot of things have changed since last year and today. Last year I was working at a greasy fast food place and now I work at a therapeutic boarding school, which I LOVE. I was engaged at the time and now I'm married. I was still grieving over the loss of my best friend and with the adoption. It was a bittersweet time for me in my life. I found the love of my life, the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with but I had so much sadness built up inside me. But Tayler has helped me so much through that. My relationship with God has grown stronger since last year. My church attendance since last year has been more frequent and I love it. I wasn't able to take the sacrament for 5 years (including last year) and now I can. Which is amazing. I have learned that I'm heck of a lot stronger than I was last year. I can get through anything and I'm so determined to get things done. I probably would've told you last year that my identity was I was a birth mom. This year I would tell you my identity is a loving wife. I know a lot more about myself and who I am than last year. I had to get through everything to know who I really was.

UBC Day 25

2011-03-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

Day 25 — Write a letter to: The person you know that is going through the worst of times

I'm just going to copy and paste something that I posted on my facebook a couple of days ago. I don't know like a specific person at the moment.

when you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through.

Tell me: A song that makes you laugh

I want to know: If you have tattoos, show them. If not, talk about the tattoos you want or why you don't think they are right for you.
I don't have any tattoos. In my rebellious stage I really wanted to get tattoos. A part of me would still like to get them if they weren't so illegal :P I wanted to get something on my foot. Or like Olivia's handprint or footprint or her name and birthdate in cursive on my shoulder blade. I wouldn't do anything tooooo crazy. Atleast, I don't thinkI would? haha.

Show me what's in your purse?

Empty propel- I already drank it today. Justin Bieber straw. Wallet. Blowpop sucker. Keys for work. Car keys. glasses. sunglasses. eye make up. foundation. and like 4 chapsticks and mascara.

UBC Day 24

2011-03-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

Day 24 — Write a letter to: The person that gave you your favorite memory

Oh gosh. I have two favorite memories.

The day Olivia was born and the day I was married.

My two favorite people gave me my two favorite memories. I love them with all of my heart!

Today is mine and Tayler's 6 month wedding anniversary! :) 6 more months until eternity.
This is what I got in the mail yesterday from Chi-Town.

Tell me: A song that you want to play at your funeral
That's if I die while I'm young.

I want to know: Your most guilty pleasure. Reveal it.
You should be ashamed if you didn't know this about me.

Show me A photo of something that means a lot to you.

UBC Day 23

2011-03-23T13:55:00.000-07:00

Day 23 — Write a letter to: The last person you kissed
I wonder who this could be....

My letter to you is that even though it sucks that I have to leave so early in the morning while you're still in bed and I wish I could just cuddle up next to you and give you a million kisses. Instead of one (or five) goodbye kisses. I just look forward to the end of the day when I'm able to come home and see you (or whenever you're home from work) and I get a hello kiss. All of your kisses are the best :) I love you!

Tell me: A song that you want to play at your wedding
Me and Tayler danced to this song at our wedding.

I want to know: How much you love yourself. Write a love letter to yourself.

Hahaha. Oh gosh.

Well, Dear self,

You're awesome. You are a hardworker and determined. You know what you want and you strive for it. You are very personable and friendly. You try to get on everyone's good side. You don't like to hold grudges and forgive quickly. You're also SUPER hot and have a SUPER hot husband to share in the hotness. You're going to be a wonderful mother and did what was best for your little girl. You love her more than anything and she helps you through the dark times in your life. You're you and don't let anyone else tell you anything different. You're unique in your own way. Don't beat yourself up when you're not as outgoing as you want to be at times. Don't get discouraged if things don't turn out your way. You don't choose for them to break you. You choose them to make you. You're a strong person and you can do hard things.

Tell me 15 facts about you.

1. I turn 21 in a month and 3 days. Time for you to start planning on what you're getting me. :)
2. I have a kitty named Molly. She's a russian blue? I have a tendency of making all of my cats fat.
3. I love pictures. Take them, be in them, whatever. :) I'm probably addicted to Facebook and looking at everyone's pictures. I'm also addicted to reading blogs and books.
4. I've had 3 cats (Chloe=32 lbs, Jasper and Molly) and 1 dog (Angel). Many fish and hamsters in my lifetime as a pet owner.
5. I had 4 piercings. 2 in one ear. 1 in the other. the other piercing is disclosed information.
6. I'm married. Our six month anniversary is tomorrow.
7. I placed a little girl for adoption and she's 18 months old, as of today.
8. I have blue eyes, freckles, red hair (currently with some blonde highlights) and fair skin.
9. I had braces for 4 years.
10. I was born in New York.
11. I've moved around a lot. I've lived in Virginia, Kansas, Washington and Florida.
12. I went to Anasazi (wilderness program) at age 17.
13. I love camping and hiking. I really want to go on a backpacking trip.
14. I like to believe I'm an insomniac. I have no problem with staying up until 4 AM.
15.I love my family. immediate, extended, in-laws, you name it. I love you all!

UBC Day 22

2011-03-22T21:16:00.000-07:00

Day 22 — Write a letter to: Someone you want to give a second chance to

Dear you,
you know who you are :)
Yeah, I know. Dumb letter.

Tell me: A song that you listen to when you’re sad

I want to know: Your deepest fear.

Driveby Shootings. I know, super lame. But it's a legit fear of mine.

Write A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

Meh, I guess I wasn't hurt but it just irked me.

If you problem with something I say or post on Facebook (sorry for those of you that had to read all of what was said.), then you can use the block news feed from this person button. I won't be offended. I would rather not read your comments if you don't have anything nice to say or atleast something remotely funny sarcastic. Not something that makes you look like a smartass. Grow upppppp. It's facebook. No need to battle over it.

UBC Day 21

2011-03-20T10:05:00.000-07:00

Day 21 — Write a letter to: Someone you judged by their first impression

Oh my gosh. This one is a hard one. I don't tend to judge people. I'm sure I did when I was younger like elementary school/junior high/high school. But I don't care anymore. I'm sure all the people I judged or thought were rude, mean, cheerleader, jock- they all turn out to be awesome people. It takes a lot for me to not like somebody or judge them wrongly. I try to get to know a person before I judge them.

Tell me: A song that you listen to when you’re happy

I want to know: A recipe.
This is legit one of my favorite desserts and I LOVE making it.
Caramel Brownies

Caramel mix:
1 pkg. caramels (14 oz.)
1/3 cup evaporated milk

Brownie mix:
1 devil's food cake mix
1/2 white cake mix
1/3 cup evaporated milk
3/4 cup melted margarine or butter
opt. 1/3 cup chopped pecans
6 oz. pkg. milk chocolate chips

1. Melt caramels and milk in the microwave (be careful not to burn, stir frequently).
2. Mix dry devil's food cake mix, 1/2 white cake mix, evaporated milk, and margarine.
3. Pat half of brownie mix into a 9X13-inch pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 6 minutes.
4. Sprinkle chocolate chips (and nuts) on cooked brownie mix. Spread caramel mix on top.
5. Crumble remaining brownie mix on top of the caramel mix. Bake at 350 degrees for 16-18 minutes.
6. Let cool and serve.
Show me A photo of something that makes you happy.

UBC Day 20

2011-03-19T10:00:00.000-07:00

Yess.... 10 more posts until this is ALL done!

Day 20 — Write a letter to: The one that broke your heart the hardest
Dear you,
I hate admitting this because I've moved on but you know that sinking feeling in that chest. The name that makes you flinch every time you hear it. You all know that person who I'm talking about. The one that changed your life in a big way and they don't even know it. I prayed for a sign. I prayed that maybe someday that you would be led back to me but that's because that's what I WANTED. You were what I wanted. Not what I needed. I have what I need now. I just had to go through one hell of a heartbreak to see that. Parts of me wish I could forget it. Fast forward through my past but why would you want to when it changed you and made you the best person you are today? I know days I regret ever having a beginning with you knowing that there was an ending. And it wasn't pretty. But do you know what is? Our daughter. I would go through that heartbreak again and again knowing the outcome. She's here and I could never regret that. That little girl is half you and half me. I might've cried too much over you but I'm done crying. You deserve what you have. You have your own family and I have mine. I couldn't be happier. When the chapter of our relationship closed. A new one opened for me and it will never close. But I had to close that chapter to find it.I just want to thank you for helping me find who I really am and how strong I really can be. You pushed me in the right direction for my life and helped me get one step closer to my one true love. I wish you luck in your life now and nothing but the best.

Tell me: A song that you listen to when you’re angry
It's not so much an angry song. But it sort of tugs at my heart strings and I feel upset with myself.

I want to know: A hobby of yours.
I enjoy video games. Yes, I'm a gamer. I don't know if you call that much of a hobby. But it's something different than blogging/reading blogs and hanging out on Facebook. I like to play the Sims (I currently have 8 kids and like 11 grandkids... yeah. awesome. it's what i do when i get baby hungry.). I also enjoy playing Halo and COD. I usually just play Zombies on COD. And I just like to play the multiplayer (SWAT) on Halo.

I want to know The meaning behind your blog name.

Well, previously my blog name was Stefanie Jinelle's Journey. It was just sort of my journey through my pregnancy and through adoption. I changed it to Becoming Stefanie Despain after I was married. Yes, this is still my journey but my focus has changed.

UBC Day 19

2011-03-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

Day 19 — Write a letter to: Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
I probably pester my own mind. Good and bad things. Sometimes I think about how awesome I am and then I think about how awful I am. It's sort of an ongoing battle in my brain. hahah. jk. I don't know. I'm just making this up as I go. How lame.

Tell me: A song from your favorite album
Katy Perry/Tyler Ward style. Boo ya.

I want to know: A talent of yours.
You're reading it, baby.

I want to see Another picture of yourself.

Just hanging out at work.

UBC Day 18

2011-03-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

Day 18 — Write a letter to: The person that you wish you could be

Dear me I wish I could be,

I wish a lot of the time I could be more confident in what I do. It just takes time for me to warm up and to be in the groove of things then after a while I'm pretty comfortable. But a lot of the time, I will feel out of place. If I feel like I say something weird or repeat myself. I think about it constantly like, "Crap, I shouldn't have said that. Now I look like an idiot." I wish that it was just a natural ability for me but it's not. I can be pretty outgoing but if I feel out of place, I will kind of keep quiet and when it's the right time to say something, I will. I say it when it has meaning. I don't like talking just to hear myself talk (baha. wouldn't have ever guessed since I have a blog huh?). Maybe that's why I get mad at my husband sometimes when he doesn't listen. ;) jk.jk. So that's who I wish I could be in a nutshell.
Tell me: A song that you wish you heard on the radio
Anything by Tyler Ward or Julia Sheer. Feast on this ear candy. Apparently they hate each other now so they won't be doing anymore duets together. :( Or.... are they?

I want to know: About your best friend.

She's beautiful and my angel :)

I want to know Something you crave a lot.

Mint Oreo shakes. mmmmm.
I currently have one in my freezer and I might partake of it, in a minute.

UBC Day 17

2011-03-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

Day 17 — Write a letter to: Someone from your childhood
Dear St. George,

I remember all the sleepovers. I remember all the "meeting in the middle" when you lived right across the street. I remember our love for Josie and the Pussycats and Romy and Michele's high school reunion. I remember all the laughs and hanging out in the doors during recess when it was cold outside. I remember the next summer you moved away and I tried to visit as often as I could or every summer. I miss you and all the memories we had. :)

Tell me: A song that you hear often on the radio

I want to know: An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.) that is your favorite.

Sidewalk art. Duh. Bombdotcom.

I want to see A photo of you and your family.

All six of us when RuthAnn came home from her mission, two years ago. Hopefully we'll have a more updated one in September when me and Tayler are sealed :)

UBC Day 16

2011-03-14T23:02:00.000-07:00

Day 16 — Write a letter to: Someone that’s not in your state/country

Dear lovely people of Oregon (you know who you are),
I miss you. :) I miss all the late night talks. The dance parties. The Fred Meyer runs and finding cute boots and jeans. I miss all the picture taking. I hope to see you all again sooooon. Yep. This is short. I'm lame.

Tell me: A song that you used to love but now hate
I still love this song every once in a while. Just super overplayed a while back. So I guess I'm not much of a hater. Just have to be in the mood for it.

I want to know: A song that makes you cry (or nearly).

Show me Your celebrity crush.

I love everything about this.... mmmmmmmm.

UBC Day 15

2011-03-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

Day 15 — Write a letter to: The person you miss the most

Dear the J's,
I was having a couple hard weeks where I just missed y'all insanely mucho. Just all of you. Being all in the same room and laughing. Catching up on life and playing Kingsburg (which we will need to do when you're out here!). I have missed all of your smiling faces and the warm, inviting, refreshing spirits you all have. You're just a breath of fresh air in my crazy muddled up life. Most days I wish you all lived close so we could hang out by a fireplace and drink hot cocoa in the middle of a snow storm in the cabin. Or have a picnic in a park. Just the simple things. I don't need a lot or something extravagant to spend a memory filled afternoon with you. I love you all and I'm excited to see you soon!

Tell me: A song that describes you
A song off of a Disney Channel movie. Camp Rock. I know. Ultra gay. But it's the only one I thought of. And I like this piano version of the song instead of the poppy version. I like both vocals.

I want to know: A poem you wrote.
I used to write A LOT of poetry growing up. Mostly in junior high I would always have a notebook on me.
I will show you two, a lot of my stuff was really depressing.

Sea Shore Pier.

By: Stefanie

Was it worth it all my dear?
Standing by that sea shore pier.
Letting the ocean swallow your tears,
And washing away your cares.

You had it with you and let it go,
Watching her walk right below.
Holding her arms and letting her cry,
Knowing you were in her arms makes you die.

Now it didn't last all that long,
And you thought it would make you strong.
You're ashamed of all of the wrongs,
And writing about her in your songs.

Can I make you forget it all?
And help you to make you stand tall?
But you won't let me come near,
Afraid it will all go unclear.

How come you remember the past?
And all the things that go by so fast?
If everything was worth it...
You wouldn't be throwing this fit.

So let the echo of the waves go by,
And remind yourself it was a living lie.
Let it all go, don't look behind,
Cause there is nothing left to find.

She won't run by your side anymore,
And she'll leave your mind more and more.
She's the one thing holding you back,
And not letting your life stay on track.

She's not worth the effort and time,
I'll be your partner in crime.
So when everything gets lonely,
I'll be your friend, your one and only.

Anorexia.

By: Stefanie

Just looking into space,
at her dinner plates.

Nothing has been touched,
and shoulders in a hunch.

Found into the thoughts unknown,
Something that's never been told.

Looking in a reflection of glass,
it's not a sight you always pass.

She's too small for her clothes,
She can hear peoples hushed tones.

More tiny as days go by,
And all she does is let out a sigh.

Staying in a corner so dark and deep,
Is a place she plans to weep.

Lessons of how young girls die,
Cause no one wanted to hear their cry.

Show me Something you don’t leave the house without.

UBC Day 14

2011-03-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

Day 14 — Write a letter to: Someone you’ve drifted away from

It has definitely been a while and things with us in the past haven't been perfect. I think I was hurt because it was during a time when I needed someone the most and I felt judged by someone so close to me and that I've looked up to my entire life. I know we've been working on and trying to fix our relationship. I know someday it's repairable I just wish it could be now. But maybe my walls are up too high.

Tell me: A song that no one would expect you to love
Don't worry, I chose the clean version of this song. Atleast... I think I did.

I want to know: About the cuteness of your pets.

Right now, I'm currently in a fight with my cat, Molly. We received her the day me and Tayler got back from our honeymoon from a friend who said she just wanted us to watch her for a month until she found an apartment. She then, found an apartment but her roommate was allergic... so luckily our landlord lets us have a pet without extra charge. YES. But, she gave me a scare. When I left for work Friday morning around 8. She ran out the door. She didn't come back until this afternoon. I'm concerned. I'm pretty sure she's pregnant. All of her innocence is gone forever. :( well... if anyone wants a kitten they will be born in May!

Here are the two possible fathers that were hanging around our door for an hour!

Possible Father Number 1

Possible Father Number 2

I want to know A TV show you’re currently addicted to.

My favorites are...

Lauren Alaina

Haley Reinhart

Scotty McCreery

One Year :)/:(

2011-03-12T17:36:00.000-08:00

One year ago (3/7/2010), Tayler proposed infront of the Draper Temple. I posted as my facebook status, "One year ago today, Tayler popped the question. I'm so grateful that I said yes because Tayler's the best husband that I could ever ask for. :)"

One year ago (3/8/2010), My best friend passed away. That was one of the most difficult days of my life. It was hard to celebrate my engagement when she passed away. I have thought about her most of the week. I have skipped over videos to watch that I made for her funeral just because I didn't want to cry. I cried myself to sleep the night before and cried myself to sleep the night after. I am so lucky to have Tayler to be there when I wake up and I know it's not the end of the world and that life goes on. Jessica is always going to be in my heart.

I was having anxiety that night. We did a graveside memorial for Jessica with her family. I went to her mom's house right after work. I went down into Jessica's bedroom and laid on her bed. I said hey and took pictures of her room. Her family can go down and see it anytime but I can't see it everyday. Abbey, my favorite dog, came over and jumped on the bed and was so excited to see me. It had been a while that's for sure. I wondered if her dogs had missed her too.

There was a good amount of friends and family that came to support her and to remember her. We have all been hurt by the loss of her but we can all be there to lean on each other just like Jessica was there for us when we needed someone to lean on.

We all sang together, God Be With You Until We Meet Again. Then released some balloons. I had mine tied around my wrist because I was the picture taker and it just wasn't going to happen. Jessica's way of being stubborn ;) The last time we did it was for her birthday and all the balloons went into the tree. Not this time though.

We went around the whole circle and we all said what we love about Jessica. I had anxiety over this because I said sort of one simple thing and everyone had stories. I knew I loved Jessica for more than what I said and wish I could've said something cool. I know Jessica knows that. But I am always at a loss for words when put on the spot. That's why I enjoy writing. I can always erase what I said and no one else has to read it but me.

I said, "I loved that Jessica was always there for you. No matter what. Even though she was mad at you. Or even if you needed her at 3 in the morning."

I wanted to write a little bit more about why I love her.

I had been thinking recently that it was always meant to be that Jessica and I were going to meet at some point. That it was meant to happen. Even at the times that it wouldn't have happened. That's what I loved that it was destined that we were supposed to be best friends. We first met at a kid's psych ward. Yep, we were crazy... nope. We weren't "crazy" we just had depression issues. We both had attempted suicide. Even if we went through with it. Then we would've met in the "afterlife."

We were so much alike. I loved her crazy extensions that fell out of her hair the next day. She made me and another girl go down a level because we went out of our room to say hey to her. But she was worth it.

I found her on Myspace and kept through contact through that except she went to another program and didn't go straight home like I did.

The next time, the exact same DAY we both were sent to a wilderness program. Not the exact same one. But around the same time we were enrolled at West Ridge Academy. A therapeutic boarding school for troubled teens. I loved that we were attached at the hip most of the time we were there. We were in the same house. There was one girl there that was really rude to Jessica. And I stood up to this girl for Jess. Jess wasn't voted into blue shirt right before Christmas because this girl got everyone against her and that made me so mad. Jessica came and sit next to me after the voting and cried. She cried and cried and I was able to put my arm around her and be her friend for her when she needed one.

It was the times that when we both felt out of place, we both needed each other.

I love her spunk and her personality. She was always shy at first and then adapted you and felt comfortable around you only after a few hours and was able to joke and be so personable.

This girl and I went through a lot together the last 4 years. And I am so incredibly proud to say she was my best friend through everything. She was there through my pregnancy, the person that was there when I needed someone the most and she didn't bail out. We got into a "fight" and then we started contacting each other. She sent me an e-mail after she found my blog and it says,

"Hey Stef. I just read your blog and wanted to tell you how proud i am of you for making these changes in your life. I think back to the summer and when we were hanging out. We thought we were happy, but we were lying to ourselves. I look up to you so much and think your an amazing strong person. You are going through probably one of the hardest times you will ever go through. I just want you to know that you have my full support and if you ever need anything, i'm just a phone call away."

Gosh, dang it. I went through this entire blog without crying and now I am after reading that. From that e-mail you can see that's genuinely the type of person she was. She never judged you and supported you through everything.

I wish she was still here. I wish I didn't have to write this and say how much I miss her. I wish she would've known how many people loved her then maybe she'd still be here. Maybe she'd know. She amazes me and how many lives she has touched and impacted even her short time here. She would've been 19 this year... 19. At 19, I had a baby and got engaged. Jessica had so much going for her and would've been able to experience all these things. I wish she would've known that and what she was going to miss out on.

I love you, tootie fruitie. You're my wife. You're my best friend. Sometimes I feel really alone. Sometimes I feel like no one understands me and that you were the only one who did. It's not fair that you're gone. But I know it will only be a short time until I see you again. I miss you.

Love,

Your sugarpuss.

"There's only 5 minutes left of today. Which one year ago today, I would've told you could possibly be one of the worst days of my life. It was so good to see your family tonight. It reminded me of all the good times and how I wish you were there. I know you were there in spirit but I wish you were there in person. I wanted to hug you more and smile with you again and tell you I love often. I wish there was more that I could say. This first year without you hasn't been easy but you've been there every step of the way and that's all I could ask for in my best friend. ♥ Always being there even after "the end."

Post Coming Soon....

2011-03-09T21:14:00.000-08:00

Sorry for my crazy busy life. I'm rarely ever on here.

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life. I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky."

UBC Day 13

2011-03-06T21:47:00.000-08:00

Day 13 — Write a letter to: Someone you wish could forgive you

Dear young one,
I don't know what I've done that has made you believe I'm the worst person you've ever met. I know that I've tried my hardest to get along and maybe you're coming around? I wish I knew.

Tell me: A song that is a guilty pleasure
Courtesy to McCall and Cade for finding this song.

I want to know: How do you think others view you?

I think that people probably think I can be mean by the way I say things. But it's not that I'm being mean. I am legit sarcastic. I wish there was a sarcastic font that everyone could understand me. ;) I promise I'm not a batch.

Tell me Your favorite musician and why?

Everyone should know this. Taylor Swift. I wrote a whole dang letter for her for this challenge.

UBC Day 12

2011-03-01T14:08:00.000-08:00

Day 12 — Write a letter to: The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

This is going to be hard for me because I don't hate a lot of people. I may dislike them or we have our differences but I could never hate them. Especially this person. At one point in our lives we had each other. I guess you could say we were best friends. We were there for each other when we were going through the same thing. Then things change, people change. Or maybe some people just stay the same. I'm not pointing the finger or blaming you. I know I have my own faults too. But I was hurt. People can say things when they're hurt. And I know you said things too and maybe for now it's good that we're not friends. But sometimes I miss you. I don't like to hold onto the hurt or the pain or hold a grudge. I remember all the good times we had but I'm afraid if we go back to what we had and things were good again then we might just end up hurting each other again. Well, whatever. The damage was done a long time ago so I should probably just let go. Maybe someday things will work out again. In my heart, I do. I just can't. Meh.

Tell me: A song from a band you hate
This was a hard one for me because I'm not much of a hater for bands. But this song from this band really disturbs me. Or maybe I just hate it since it was overplayed in highschool. :)

I want to know: How you got one of your scars.

That's me in the 4th grade. I would like to direct your attention to the scar by my right eyebrow. It's on the left hand of your screen. I got the scar when we lived in Florida. We were at a local water park and it was just me, my little sister and my oldest sister at the park while the movers were at our house packing boxes to go to Utah. There was a little jungle gym and they had a fire hose just hanging down. I decided to be like Tarzan and swing on it. Well, I let go and it kept swinging then it hit me in the eyebrow. I stumbled and blacked out for a minute. I felt where it hit and looked at my fingers and there was blood. My sister will tell you it was so scary for her because I just walked over and I was crying. Covering my eye and blood was streaming down my face. I had to get 7 stitches. I even have it written in my journal when I kept one way back in the day. I talked about this hot mover guy that was at our house and he put tape on my finger and it was brave tape. It was just moving tape. But still. I cherished that piece of tape with my LIFE. hahaha.

Show me A photograph of the town you live in.

What up, downtown. ;)

One Little Break

2011-02-26T01:37:00.000-08:00

You know, I like to blog when I feel like and I just felt like a few weeks ago maybe I'll feel more up to blogging if I did the challenge. I'm sure I'll complete it eventually. But I also keep this blog as my personal journal, I don't have anything else. I don't write in one because I'm faster at typing and I hate my handwriting and I get lazy. I want to know how I feel right now in this exact moment. I'm sure I'll look back and think, wow. I was an idiot. Or maybe I'll look back and think, that's a life lesson that I learned and even though it was hard, it helped me become patient in the long run. So, let's start this.

Yes, I'm still incredibly baby hungry. And yes, I'm diving into this topic again but a different feeling about it.

When I found out I was pregnant with Olivia that was a tough time for me. Me and Nic had just broken up and I was scared, freaking out. His reaction wasn't exactly the best one. I didn't see a smile run across his face. It was just utter disappointment of ourselves. And only being 3 weeks into the new year, it's not the most exciting news to discover when you're uncertain of the outcome.

Well, I kind of had a glimmer of the future today.

I let this girl at work borrow my What To Expect When You're Expecting book (my mom bought it for me when I was pregnant) and I knew her and her husband were trying and I thought it'd be fun for them to read until she got her own copy. She texted me on Thursday to let me know she still had it and dropped it off at my work tonight (Friday).

When I got home I was just completely exhausted and threw my purse on the floor with the book in it and started my bath. Tayler was in our bedroom and I called him over to bring me my purse. It wasn't that far away I just felt like I couldn't even move another inch. He brought it to me and when he got to me he just asked, "What do you have in your purse??" and looked around and pulled out the book. I kind of just looked at him to see his reaction and not say a word. A smile just bursted onto his face and asked, "What is this?!" I just said nonchalantly, "A book." He asked, "Are you being serious right now?"

I hugged him to hide my tears and I could feel his heart pounding and him controlling his breathing and repeated, "Honey, answer me. Please." I just wanted in that moment to look at him and share in his excitement and say yes. But I knew the true answer and all I choked out was, "I wish."

He pulled away to look at my face and then I made my ugly/pouty face cry and bawled. He pulled me in and felt so bad. He thought it was all of his fault that I was sad. But trust me, it wasn't. He knows more than anything that I want a baby and to see that he would just be as excited as me just made me cry.

I was happy to see the completely opposite reaction of what it was like 2 years ago. It made me realize, you know, it isn't the same situation. Finding out your pregnant isn't something dreadful. It's something that most people look forward to when they're married. And maybe because I sort of had a negative reaction before that's what I had always expected to get. But seeing his reaction was bittersweet. It made me happy but it broke me apart because I wanted to say yes. Not only for me but for him too. I thought I was going to hurt him by saying no from how happy he was.

I hadn't really planned on spilling the beans on when we we'd try to conceive. We'd definitely want to conceive in the covenant (haha!) so it would be sometime after we're sealed. We will have to figure out where we are at the point we want to try and if we think (and the Lord thinks) its time for us to have kids at that time and the answer is no. We'll re-evaluate maybe another 6 months and see if that's a good time for us there. I knew too that it wasn't just until after we're sealed but I wanted to make sure I had a new job (check!) and Tayler had one too (in process).

That's my blog rant/sob story for the night. I know I'm so truly blessed to have Tayler in my life. He helps me strive to be a better person and he knows how and what will make me happy. I know my body wants to have a baby but I know in my heart it's not the right time for us. I'm blessed to have Tayler and for him to be so understanding and sensitive to my situation and my feelings. I don't think I have ever had such a perfect man like him in my life and I'm so happy I'm going to spend eternity with him. Even the little things remind me how lucky I truly am. So much love <3

I don't think Tayler knew what he was getting himself into....

UBC Day 11

2011-02-24T14:19:00.000-08:00

Day 11 — Write a letter to: A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear Jess,

I wish with all of my heart everyday that you were still here so I could talk to you in person and I wouldn't have to do leave you messages on Facebook or write you a letter as the deceased person I wish I could talk to. I miss having a best friend more than anything. Someone that was just like me. Someone who could understand my humor and no matter how bad our fights got that we could still work it out. I love you and want to tell you so much. I want to tell you about when I have good days and when I have bad days. The days I just want to cry and vent and you're there to hug me and tell me that it'll be all right because you're here. Sometimes I just want you to sit next to me while watching American Idol and we can laugh during the auditions. I remember last year when it was on that we were texting during the show and laughing at the contestants on there. And the next day you went into your work and you took a video of one of the people at the rest home singing Pants On The Ground. I crack up just thinking about it. I miss you and would give anything in this world to hug you and tell you I love you in person. I miss seeing you in my dreams because then it feels like you're still here and I can still call you. There is still a hole in my heart from the day you left but I know it will become full when we're reunited again. Love you, tootie fruitie.

Tell me: A song from your favorite band
I feel like I post one of his songs every single post but I love Tyler Ward. I can't help it. It's an issue.

I want to know: A story from your childhood.

This story will be sort of short and sweet. When I was little I guess I chased a mouse around the house and pointed at it and kept yelling, "BUNNY!" Baha. I was adorable.

Show me What’s in your makeup bag
I don't like to wear a ton of makeup...

Oh and if you wanted to know or if you're not friends with me on Facebook. I GOT THE JOB that I said I had an interview with last post. My sister's friend is going to school full time and needed a replacement. I'd like to thank my sister, RuthAnn for letting me know and suggesting me to her friend. I'd like to thank Kate for recommending me for the job. :) You guys are amazing! Peace out fast food and hello office manager!

UBC Day 10

2011-02-22T23:42:00.000-08:00

I'm at my parent's house as Tayler is working on our taxes with my dad. I'm using my parent's ANCIENT computer. I don't even know how I blogged with this the past 2 years. Seriously. Oh my heck. It will be two years since I've been blogging next month! Crazyyyyyyy. Does it feel like two years has gone by? It definitely doesn't seem like it to me. YAY! Only 20 more posts to go with this. It doesn't seem much... but I'm sure I've dragged it out a lot longer than it should have. I think I might have some blog posts I need to do, as well.

Day 10 — Write a letter to: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Dear San Antonio,
I don't know what happened between the two of us. We would be mistaken as "sisters," constantly. You felt like a sister to me. Someone I was able to talk to late at night and laugh about things. You were someone I could come to if I felt conflicted about something. You are amazing. You are so talented and you're the best momma to your little one. Something about us drifted apart when you moved back. I missed it and I wish it didn't happen. I know from time to time we will send comments on facebook but sometimes I still wish you only lived a city away and I could drive over and hold your little one when you would tell me about your day. I miss you. Lets talk soon. Really.

Tell me: A song that makes you fall asleep
I don't think I have a specific song that makes me fall asleep but if I had to pick a song, it'd be this one. I love his voice and the piano.

I want to know: About a regret you have.

I always get a knot in my stomach when I think about this because I know everyone takes it the wrong way. I wish all the time that I could've mended things with Jess before she passed away. It'll be a year next month since she's been gone. But there is still that part of me that feels like she's still here. Her soul is just lingering here to help us through our days. I know people think that I wish I mended it because she's gone now. I wanted to mend it before her passing. I just wish I could've done it sooner then maybe she might still be here. I miss and love you, bestie.

Show me A photo of your favorite place to eat.

I have a job interview t-minus 10 hours. Wish me luck! :)

UBC Day 9

2011-02-17T00:11:00.000-08:00

Is this EVER going to end?!!?!

Day 9 — Write a letter to: Someone you wish you could meet

Dear Taylor Swift,

Yes, everyone. I'm not afraid to admit I have a huge, giant major crush on this country star. I think some of my friends dislike her music. But guess what? I don't care. :) I love it. You don't have to. Well, I have had dreams recently that Taylor Swift is my BFF. My DREAM BFF. All for me. Too good to be true right? We did everything together. We played hopscotch. We cruised down the street. We found her some guys to write songs about. We even facebook chatted with each other while sitting next to each other. This is a super awesome friendship. In reality, I would love to meet her and possibly do all those things together. Or even to have a whole day with her. I love her music. I think other people love it too, because she is so vulnerable in her songs. Maybe that's why I like her. I'm so vunerable in my blogging and that I put it all out on a limb and hopefully someone will understand me or understand what I'm going through. I would love to collaborate a song with her. I used to write poetry when I was younger (maybe that's why I have magnificant writing skilllllz) and if she helped me write it and then we put it together for a song. Then maybe people will understand how birthmoms feel? Or what we're going through? Maybe someone out there can connect through that loss or pain. That's just how I feel and that's why I'd love to meet her.
Tell me: A song that you can dance to
I'm not a fantastic dancer. I can probably dance to anything. This is just so dance-able. You can't help but tap your toes to this beat.

I want to know: A photo you took.
Like I've said previous. I would love to go to school and do photography. Problem numero uno. I haven't done it in so long that I might not even be good at it anymore. haha. I did my sister's best friend's bridal in March 2009. Here are two of my favorites.

Show me A photo of the item you last purchased.

The Jazz Lanyard around my neck. Hoping that maybe having a huge keychain will help me not lose my keys as often as I do :) Even though the Jazz let me dow. I'm still into them. They just have to make it up to me... BIG TIME.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-15T23:47:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a GREAT holiday. I know I did. :) I really enjoy the idea of being married! Now I have someone to call my valentine every Valentine's day. Oh and everyday, of course!

Remember what I did last year? I like to go all out for Valentine's Day. Maybe because I never had one until last year. I got to make up for 19 years of being Valentine-less. Magically, all my boyfriends broke up with me right before the holiday. Maybe it was a strategy so they wouldn't have to buy me anything. How sweet of them. Saved me the money. :) This is what I did for Valentine's Day... My wonderful friend, Candace, gave me this idea. It says 14 days of Love. You're supposed to do something once a day until Valentine's Day. But I'm a procrastinator and I just did it all on Valentine's Day. I hide the stuff around the house. :)

14 Days of Love

Day 01: “Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”
I made a little mini book of pictures and 14 things that I love about Tayler. I can't take alllll the credit for this book. I liked her idea, I only had two days to make it so it's not as fancy as hers. I hope she's not upset but this is the credit to her. Sorry :( I should've asked for permission first. I can't find the direct link at the moment.

1. You're my favorite

2. You make me laugh
3. Our inside jokes

4. You saw the sweetest things

5. You're a fun travel buddy

6. I love that you love your family so much

7. You know how to treat me right

8. You offer your shulder for me to cry on

9. I get to wake up to you every single morning

10. I love your kisses

11. You made me one less lonely girl

12. You accept and love Olivia

13. You're an amazing husband and will be a great father someday

14. You belong with me

Day 02: A jar full of hugs and kisses. Mrs. R also gave me an idea just like this one.

Day 03: "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction"

I gave Tayler a giftcard so he can take me out to dinner and spend the time talking about our hopes and dreams for our future together.

Day 04: A picture frame with a picture of you and your spouse, and a note about the memory behind the picture.

I chose this one from our wedding because it feels sort of fairytale-esque. And I wrote the note saying, "I feel like I'm living a fairytale everyday that I'm with you."

Day 05: "A hundred hearts would be too few,To carry all my love for you."
A bag of conversation hearts.

Day 06: A CD with songs that remind you of your spouse.
"You make my heart sing."

Playlist:
1. Changed By You by Between the Trees
2. Only You Can Love Me This Way by Keith Urban
3. With You by Chris Brown
4. Two Is Better Than One by Boys Like Girls featuring Taylor Swift
5. Every Day by Rascal Flatts
6. Stay With Me by Colbie Caillat ---> I also love the movie that they put the music to this one.
7. Jump Then Fall by Taylor Swift
8. Like You Do by Angel Taylor
9. Sparks Fly Cover by Julia Sheer and Tyler Ward
10. Faithfully (Glee Version) by Glee Cast
11. I'm Only Me When I'm With You by Taylor Swift
12. The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson
13. Stuck Like Glue by Sugarland
14. Let's Just Fall In Love Again by Jason Castro
15. Unbelievable by Josh Gracin This song just gives me memories from helping Tayler move from Boise to Burley when we were engaged. We had to drive this guys truck from Boise to Burley then back to Boise. Then we had to drive back to Burley in Tayler's car. Yeah. We were in the car for like a total of 8 hours. But we just had music playing in the background as we talked about the future and how this was all "really happening." And this song came on. I melted.
16. You're My Better Half by Keith Urban
17. Grow Old With Me by The Postal Service
18. Crazier by Taylor Swift
19. Bless The Broken Road by Rascal Flatts
20. Yours To Hold by Skillet Tayler sent me this song when we were dating.

Day 07: "I've fallen in love many times... always with you."
I got a photo album with pictures of moments when I have fallen in love with my spouse.

Day 08: Favorite candy bar.
I got Tayler a big hunk (which happens to be his favorite candy bar). And a Snickers and it says, "You make me snicker."

Day 09: "When you love someone you forgive and forget all the wrongs of the past, and move forward into the future together."
A pad of paper and pencils to write our goals together and erasers for forgetting mistakes or forgiveness.

Day 10: A favorite movie of your spouse.

"I love to watch movies with you."

Day 11: "If I had to do this over, I would choose you again and again"

Attach quote to favorite type of gum

Day 12: Lotion for a wife, deodorant and shower gel for a husband.

"You smell amazing!"

Day 13: "Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart."

Hot chocolate (or favorite warm drink) and a mug

Day 14: "Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I can't wait to spend eternity with you!"

We don't have pictures in our house of the temple. Or of the one we want to be sealed in. So I got it. Now we can hang it up and see our goal every day. 6 1/2 months couldn't come any faster! But, it can also slow down. That will mean that Olivia will be TWO! I can't be old enough to have a two year old. It's so weird that I'm just barely in my 20's and have a baby. I guess it's the new trend.

Well, I got home from work on Valentine's Day and got all prettied up.

If you want my hair style. Get it here. My hair is so thick so it looks different than it does on the video.

Then when Tayler came home we called the Pizza Factory and picked up an order. We took it home and had a picnic (we got a little picnic set from his dad from our wedding. I personally, couldn't wait until it was warmer to use it because it's so dang COOL!) on our living room floor. Adorable right? We cuddled and watched Red. Then killed some zombies afterward. I love Valentine's Day! (Oh and my husband did give me flowers on the Saturday before Valentine's day, what a sweetheart right?)

Okay, I'm going to continue struggling with this ultimate blog challenge. Only because tomorrow I'm going to the Jazz game. Hopefully, I will get back on track. But maybe not cause on Friday afternoon we are going to Idaho to see Tayler's family and some of his friends. So, until next time :)

Tell me about your Valentine's Day!

UBC Day 8

2011-02-13T20:18:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm struggling. Haha. I've been preparing for Valentine's day and I saw the Justin Bieber movie. Oh my heck. I'm SO in love. Seriously, I've been feeling like hot and cold at the same time. I might have a fever... the BIEBER FEVER!

This is a documentation of us at the 3D Cinematic Adventure of Never Say Never. Be jealous.

Day 8 — Write a letter to: Your favorite internet friend

Okay, I guess technically this could be an internet friend. I met my friend Thor via Xbox Live. Haha. I played a match of Halo Reach (Yes, I love first person shooter games. And I like to play Swat. It's like hardcore. No shields and all headshots. I'm not going to lie. I'm pretty good. Even some guys at work feel intimidated playing with me.) So we met in a match and continued playing together and became friends. We talked over the headset. My husband also likes to play Call of Duty Black Ops with him. And I'm pretty good friends with his girlfriend. We'll chat from time to time on Facebook. Haha! It's so random. Right now, my current obsession is playing Zombies on COD BO. I've had multiple reoccuring dreams of a zombie apocalpyse. I'm just brushing up on my skills when one happens.
Thor has been the only one that I can tolerate playing video games with. All the other guys end up being d-bags. I've had some guys chew me out because it's a "guys game." They know I'm a girl because my screen name says girl in it. But they can't say it's a guys game when I kick their trash. Which has happened multiple times. :) But Thor is chill. I've been able to just vent to him about stuff that happens or has happened. And it I guess it also helps to play first person shooter games to let out some frustration in a not so real violent way. ;) And in a way I've been able to tell my story and educate adoption. He asks me questions and things. He has a daughter too. So it's cool that we have some things in common. We're both in a relationship. We both have kids. We both like to dominate in video games. He's rad. He's my favorite. :)

Tell me: A song that you know all the words to
Another Taylor Swift Cover. I just love Tyler Ward. I had a dream I married him. <3 Who doesn't know all the words to this song? Really.

I want to know: The style you had 10 years ago.

Above was me when I was 10 or 11. 6th grade? My style. I rocked the short hair with the outward flip. Then I also rocked the brace face. Which happened to be my favorite TV show (Braceface) it was about a girl who the day before she started Junior High had to get braces and they had magical powers. If only. This was the beginning of my ugly duckling stage. It was all through Junior high until my senior year of high school. Which I don't like to remember or document. But below is a picture of my senior picture. I haven't changed much. :P

Show me A song to match your mood.
In honor of Valentine's Day. I will play this. Oh. And I probably won't be on tomorrow since it is the blessed V-day. I will post about what I did for Tayler and what he did for me. Don't you worry. :)

UBC Day 7

2011-02-10T13:50:00.000-08:00

Day 7 — Write a letter to: Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Okay, I guess I will write to an ex-boyfriend. It's sort of funny to me because I went to the expectant parent group last night and it was detecting the "frogs" and finding your "prince." So I sort of reflected about that relationship with the frog and it's funny to me that I should probably be more angry about it than anything else. I guess he didn't really break my heart the hardest (I will get to that letter later) but he hurt me the worst. But I've let it go and I've forgiven him for what he did to me. It's funny to me that we were talking about frogs (they brought in stuffed animal frogs) and they were cute and fuzzy on the outside but they were diagnosed with some issues. I remember him being a frog he was cute on the outside but on the inside he had so many issues and I wanted to help him. I thought I was going to change him. And I almost feel like me being with him brought out the worst in him. And it was so hard for me to get out of the relationship because he would tell me that no one would want to be with me after what he's done to me and that we were only meant for each other. After a year of being with him I knew I needed to get out but I stayed another year and for that year. I started losing my feelings for him. He wasn't attractive to me anymore. He was sick and disgusting. I was never treated so badly in my life. But I luckily got out of it. It wasn't easy especially after the phone call that he was going to use the money for the engagement ring he saved up to buy a gun and kill me. Oh, that was a special moment and he got the cops called on him for that. Yeah and I've forgiven him right???! haha. It's been two 1/2 years since that relationship ended. I've seen him since then and he's come into my work a lot recently (ughhhh. I need to find a new job.) but I'm not just going to ignore him. A part of me just feels sorry for him. Sorry for the mental and emotional issues that he still hasn't overcome. He's sent me e-mails before I got married telling me that if it doesn't work out that he'll always be there. Yeah. He's sort of a creep. I know the way I was treated I was wrong but I guess I needed it to know what it was like to be treated right. I love my husband more than anything and he is the COMPLETE opposite of my ex. I don't have to "fix" him or change him. He's already perfect for me. I feel so grateful for my husband and for everything he has done for me in my life. He has swept me off my feet again and again. I fall in love and he's there to catch me because he's falling right along with me. It's an amazing feeling. I just want to pinch myself. Even though all the crap that I went through. Tayler still loves me. He has forgiven my past (and he may or may not want to punch my exes in the face) and loves me for the person I am today. I wasn't ready for him two 1/2 years ago. I was ready for him in October 2009. We were driving home from Andee's house and he was telling me that it was crazy that when he was 16 (I was 14) he drove through my home town and it never crossed his mind that he was going to marry a girl from that town. And I never thought I was going to deserve such an incredible guy like him. :) Tayler is my prince.

Tell me: A song that reminds you of a certain event

When I heard this song it just reminded me of a certain event. Not that I still have the feelings. Just remember the event.

I want to know: A photo that makes you happy.

Tell me about Your dream wedding.

It already happened.

UBC Day 6

2011-02-09T13:17:00.000-08:00

This is my 300th Post! Dang. I should probably give my blog a new look. Even though I sort of gave it a makeover when I got married. But I want to figure out how to make two side bars on my blog. One on each side. Someone should hook me up with a tutorial for that. PLEASE :)

Day 6 — Write a letter to: A stranger

Dear stranger that decided to stop my birthdaughter and her mom at Walmart,

I know there were two people that stopped them at Walmart on my birthdaughter's first birthday. I'm not talking about the sweet redheaded girl who stopped them. I'm talking about the one who decided she couldn't keep her mouth shut. The one who is anti-adoption and decided it was okay to share her opinion and how adoption is wrong. Are you kidding me? Of ALL days to stop them you decided to do it on my birthdaughter's first birthday? First of all, they didn't even know you. I don't even know you. But you decided to give an impression that you have no common courtesy and only care about yourself. Why would you even share your views to someone who clearly is for adoption and has adopted? And I know you read my blog or else you wouldn't have stopped them in a public place. If you have any opinions about my blog or about adoption. You can bring them up with ME. You were WAY out of line and yes, I'm going to stick up for them because they are family to me. They are the ones raising my daughter when I know I wouldn't give her the best possible life. Will you PLEASE tell me that's so totally wrong? It's not like they bought her off of me or snatched her out of my arms. I willing and lovingly placed her in their arms. If I were you and you recgonized them, I would've just walked on by. Because really, they could've gone on with their lives without you and you could've done the same without them in your life. So please, spare me your opinion and don't even bother telling me it to me. I can do without you in my life. If you or any of you reading this are anti-adoption then click the "x" in the right hand corner of your screen. I didn't invite you to read this. Yes, it is an open blog but give me a break I can't help it if you happen to come across it. If you really have an issue then you can go find an anti-adoption blog or website and cry your feelings out there because I don't care about you and don't even bother want to waste my time with you. Thanks! Have a great day!

Tell me: A song that reminds of you of somewhere
The story behind this that it reminds me of somewhere. It's just funny. I was in Oregon right after I had Olivia. Me and my sister were driving and we got lost and we ended up going to the Washington border and drove through Seattle and this song came on my ipod.

I want to know: Your favorite music video.

Show me A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

Who does NOT want a baby lion???!

I want to snuggle with it.

UBC Day 5

2011-02-08T21:38:00.000-08:00

Day 5 — Write a letter to: Your dreams

Dear dreams,

I have always been so fascinated by you. Either in my sleeps or when I just day dream about how I want my life to be. Or in the past that I've dreamed about my future. What I wanted when I "grew up" or who I was going to marry. It may not have turned out the way I expected it to and maybe some of my dreams had to be crushed. But I know that because of my dreams I am motivated and inspired to do what I need to follow those dreams. I know I dream to find my perfect job that I went to school for. I know I'm having some troubles finding a job right now but it's not going to stop me. I may just have to put some of my dreams on hold. I know I always thought the boy that I was dating in high school or I became serious with was the man of my dreams. But I never knew what that meant until I married him. He is everything to me and has helped me make (most) of my dreams come true. Just waiting for those babies to come! And I'm excited to fulfill the dream of being with him for eternity(7 more months. Time is just flying!)! If I could say anything about dreams; don't stress the could haves. If it should have, it would have.

Tell me: A song that reminds you of someone

I want to know: Your favorite quote.

I want to see A photo of yourself two years ago.

It's unbelievable that it's been two years. I'm 18&pregnant in this picture.

20&unpregnant.

bahha. not much has changed. right?

UBC Day 4

2011-02-07T11:52:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm two days behind. Fail. Saturday I worked then I had a birthmom party at the R house <3 Met some new people and saw some old friends. It was fabulous. :) I laughed and got teary eyed. There is something about being in a room with all these great girls (and mr. & mrs. r, of course). I needed it that day.

The Sunday, we went to church. Oh! And the beginning of January I did a high school presentation about adoption with another girl who had placed. I had never met her before but then I saw her at church on Sunday and we are in the same ward! Small world right? I LOVE it! After church we went to a superbowl party afterwards with a friend of mine. And we were there until almost one in the morning! I love weekends like this :)

Write a letter to: Your sibling (or closest relative)

I have so many siblings but I plan to write them all letters too during this challenge.

Dear Ruthie,

I feel like I should start out with a dearblankpleaseblank.

Dear emails and text messages,

Please find a way to clearly express my sarcasm.

Sincerely, I keep pissing people off.

Me and RuthAnn are 4 years apart in age. She was the one that would get mad at me for borrowing her clothes in junior high. Only because I looked up to my older sisters. I still do ;) She's smart and successful and I hope to be just like her someday. We have a lot of the same sense of humor. Even though sometimes it can get us into trouble, we still got each others back. She's my bestie sister. I have a few or 5 of them. She's the one that I feel closest to (geographical wise too, oh provolonian). We share the same likes and dislikes in the movies and the tv shows. I know I can always go to her if I want to vent about an episode of gossip girl. She's my homeslice mcgriddle cheese. My fatron. I love her to the endddd. This letter thing is semi-gay. Hahaha. I can never think of something rad to say. So if these letters stink. SORRY!

Tell me: A song that makes you sad

I want to know: Your favorite book.

I want to see Your favorite photograph of your best friend.

UBC Day 3

2011-02-04T12:00:00.000-08:00

Write a letter to: Your parents

Dear Parents,

I know growing up that I wasn't the most perfect child. I'm sure there were many days and nights I put you through heck. Nights that you stayed up until I was home. I know everything that you have done for me was to help me. I don't ever hate you for sending me to Anasazi or West Ridge. I know I haven't followed the perfect path. But you have showed me what it means to really appreciate it when I did get back on it. And that you guys were always going to be there even if I wandered off the path. I'm grateful that you helped me so much through my pregnancy and afterwards. And that you have always pushed me to do my best and that I'm capable of doing it. That I was also capable of finding a wonderful man and I'm grateful that you have accepted him into our family with open arms. You're the best parents ever and I hope to be great parents like you someday. :) I love you!

Tell me: A song that makes you happy

I want to know: Your favorite television program.

Tell me Your idea of the perfect first date.

Well, I know this probably wouldn't be a first date. But my perfect date in general would have to be if Tayler woke me up earllyyyy and just took me to the airport and didn't tell me where we were going. Then we got on the plane and we went straight to disneyland. Then in the afternoon go to a dinner then take a stroll on the beach around sunset. I think that would be PERFECTION. Someone let him in on this ;) It's like my DREAM date.

UBC Day 2

2011-02-03T15:17:00.000-08:00

Write a letter to: Your Crush

Dear crush,
This should be a given. I guess I "crushed" on you the moment that I saw your profile picture on LDSsingles.com. You could say it was love at first mouse click. And the rest is history. You're my one and my everything. I know this is a short letter. But, I can just tell you in person how much I adore you! :)
I love you my big hunk-a-lunk! You're an awesome husband and you're going to be an amazing father someday!

Tell me: Your least favorite song
This is really hard for me because I love almost every genre of music. I'll listen to something once. I love music. I have 9.8 days worth of songs on my iTunes. I'm sort of a FREAK. Okay, I have detested this song for the longest time. I know some people are going to hate me for it. Something about this song just gets under my skin. I remember we had to pick apart this song my sophomore year of high school. I never liked this song in the first place. It sounds like the guy just stuffed one of his dirty gym socks in his mouth and decided he was an AMAZING singer. Really? The song "You're beautiful" by James Blunt. It's about a guy who sees a girl on a train and she's with another DUDE. And he falls in love with her the moment that he sees her. And he just writes this entire song about her. Creeptastic? You bet it is.

I want to know: Your favorite movie.

Take A photo of something you ate today.

Yes, I'm a little kid at heart :) I know I didn't take the picture but I did eat that today!

UBC Day 1

2011-02-02T15:20:00.000-08:00

Take A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

This was on Monday. Andee wanted me to go with her to Costco. So I went to Costco. Got some pizza. Then we went to the mall and looked at some rings and wished that we were engagement ring shopping again and had all the money in the world to buy them! Haha! Then I had to work and it was the slowest night EVER!

Write a letter to: Your Best Friend(s)

Dear Best Friend(s),

Yes, plural. I can't just think of one best friend because I've had so many help me at a certain time in my life. They are all so amazing to me. :)

This girlie has been a great friend ever since we started talking. Now I can give her a call whenever or we can always go on double date with her and her husband (that i approve of). And I know if my husband doesn't understand something about adoption that I'm frustrated with, I know I can call her and she'll understand. I'm so excited for her to start her life as a mommy. :)

This girl is ummmazing! She is getting married soon to a wonderful guy that I approve (since he helps set up some stuff for the Sims for me!). I love hanging out with her and our love for cats and the Sims. :) She's my homegirl.

This girl just recently got married to a wonderful man that I also approve of. :) She is such a fabulous person and she has been there at work when I was a HUGE whale and would sit and talk to me after. She's my go-to girl if I need anyone to vent my shiz to and I hope she knows she can do the same to me!

This girl is so recklessly beautiful. She is my partner in crime. She reminds me of well... me. We've been through a lot of the same shiz in life and understand each other on a level that most people probably wouldn't understand. She gets me ;)

This girl who I've known the longest (since 6th grade) I can say that we have virtually been through everything together. We know the most about each others lives and we might be TOO close of friends ;) Haha. I'm so glad to say that we are still friends to this day!

I love you all besties!

Tell me/ I want to know: Your favorite song

This is a Taylor Swift Cover.
I like this better than the Taylor Swift version.
(Don't tell her I said that.)

The ULTIMATE blog challenge

2011-02-01T23:31:00.000-08:00

Okay. I know it's been a while since I've blogged. It's because my life is not even that legit. I've had some interviews. Had some meltdowns over it. Done stressing. I should be finding out if I got a job that I had an interview on Thursday by tomorrow. But I don't think it's going to happen. Haha. Way to be optimistic right? I just don't feel right about it. We'll see though. I might just not be trying to get my hopes up. I'll still continue job searching. But if I don't find something soon. I might change my career path. I have seriously considered going to the Art Institute (if anyone has heard anything good about it, PLEASE let me know) for photography. My beautiful sister, Erika started a photography business. So if I do take that path I will go to school and then join her business. That's if she'll have me. ;) Which would mean I would have to leave the little state of Utah and move to the northwest. It won't be for a while though. For sure. I just have to get my husband to warm up to the idea now. Nothing is better than Boise to him (Go Broncos!).

I decided to throw together all of the 30 blog day challenges that I've found searching google into one. You may join me. I'll start tomorrow. If I really feel like I need to blog about something I might stop the challenge but start back up the next day. Like if I want to blog about my dreamboat of a husband who takes me on an amazing Valentine's Day date. :) Or if I just want to talk about adoption. I will. Or if you have any ideas. Tell me on my comments or go to my formspring.

Let the ultimate 30 day blog challenge COMMENCE!

Day 1 — Write a letter to: Your Best Friend
Tell me: Your favorite song
I want to know: Your favorite song.
Take A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

Day 2 — Write a letter to: Your Crush
Tell me: Your least favorite song
I want to know: Your favorite movie.
Take A photo of something you ate today.

Day 3 — Write a letter to: Your parents
Tell me: A song that makes you happy
I want to know: Your favorite television program.
Tell me Your idea of the perfect first date.

Day 4 — Write a letter to: Your sibling (or closest relative)
Tell me: A song that makes you sad
I want to know: Your favorite book.
I want to see Your favorite photograph of your best friend.

Day 5 — Write a letter to: Your dreams
Tell me: A song that reminds you of someone
I want to know: Your favorite quote.
I want to see A photo of yourself two years ago.

Day 6 — Write a letter to: A stranger
Tell me: A song that reminds of you of somewhere
I want to know: Your favorite music video.
Show me A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

Day 7 — Write a letter to: Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Tell me: A song that reminds you of a certain event
I want to know: A photo that makes you happy.
Tell me about Your dream wedding.

Day 8 — Write a letter to: Your favorite internet friend
Tell me: A song that you know all the words to
I want to know: The style you had 10 years ago.
Show me A song to match your mood.

Day 9 — Write a letter to: Someone you wish you could meet
Tell me: A song that you can dance to
I want to know: A photo you took.
Show me A photo of the item you last purchased.

Day 10 — Write a letter to: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Tell me: A song that makes you fall asleep
I want to know: About a regret you have.
Show me A photo of our favorite place to eat.

Day 11 — Write a letter to: A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Tell me: A song from your favorite band
I want to know: A story from your childhood.
Tell me What’s in your makeup bag?

Day 12 — Write a letter to: The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Tell me: A song from a band you hate
I want to know: How you got one of your scars.
Show me A photograph of the town you live in.

Day 13 — Write a letter to: Someone you wish could forgive you
Tell me: A song that is a guilty pleasure
I want to know: How do you think others view you?
Tell me Your favorite musician and why?

Day 14 — Write a letter to: Someone you’ve drifted away from
Tell me: A song that no one would expect you to love
I want to know: About the cuteness of your pets.
I want to know A TV show you’re currently addicted to.

Day 15 — Write a letter to: The person you miss the most
Tell me: A song that describes you
I want to know: A poem you wrote.
Show me Something you don’t leave the house without.

Day 16 — Write a letter to: Someone that’s not in your state/country
Tell me: A song that you used to love but now hate
I want to know: A song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Show me Your celebrity crush.

Day 17 — Write a letter to: Someone from your childhood
Tell me: A song that you hear often on the radio
I want to know: An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.) that is your favorite.
I want to see A photo of you and your family.

Day 18 — Write a letter to: The person that you wish you could be
Tell me: A song that you wish you heard on the radio
I want to know: About your best friend.
I want to know Something you crave a lot.

Day 19 — Write a letter to: Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Tell me: A song from your favorite album
I want to know: A talent of yours.
I want to see Another picture of yourself.

Day 20 — Write a letter to: The one that broke your heart the hardest
Tell me: A song that you listen to when you’re angry
I want to know: A hobby of yours.
I want to know The meaning behind your blog name.

Day 21 — Write a letter to: Someone you judged by their first impression
Tell me: A song that you listen to when you’re happy
I want to know: A recipe.
Show me A photo of something that makes you happy.

Day 22 — Write a letter to: Someone you want to give a second chance to
Tell me: A song that you listen to when you’re sad
I want to know: Your deepest fear.
Write A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

Day 23 — Write a letter to: The last person you kissed
Tell me: A song that you want to play at your wedding
I want to know: How much you love yourself. Write a love letter to yourself.
Tell me 15 facts about you.

Day 24 — Write a letter to: The person that gave you your favorite memory
Tell me: A song that you want to play at your funeral
I want to know: Your most guilty pleasure. Reveal it.
Show me A photo of something that means a lot to you.

Day 25 — Write a letter to: The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Tell me: A song that makes you laugh
I want to know: If you have tattoos, show them. If not, talk about the tattoos you want or why you don't think they are right for you.
Show me what's in your purse?

Day 26 — Write a letter to: The last person you made a pinky promise to
Tell me: A song that you can play on an instrument
I want to know: About the last "random act of kindness" you encountered.
Show me a photo of somewhere you've been to.

Day 27 — Write a letter to: The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Tell me: A song that you wish you could play
I want to know: The last thing that made you cry.
Show me A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?

Day 28 — Write a letter to: Someone that changed your life
Tell me: A song that makes you feel guilty
I want to know: Say something to your 15 year old self.
Tell me Your favorite movie.

Day 29 — Write a letter to: The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Tell me: A song from your childhood
I want to know: your Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days.
Tell me Something you could never get tired of doing.

Day 30 — Write a letter to: Your reflection in the mirror
Tell me: Your favorite song at this time last year
I want to know: what you have learned, if anything, about yourself in the last 30 days.
Show me A photograph of youself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days