Wednesday, December 30, 2009
2009 End of the Year Survey
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?: Turned 19. Bought a car. Had a baby.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?: I don't remember making any this year. But I definitely have some for 2010.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?: Besides myself, a few friends that I've met from LDS Family Services, and my sister Erika.
4. Did anyone close to you die?: My grandma.
5. What countries did you visit?: No countries. I did visit the wonderful states of: Idaho, Virginia, Maryland, Oregon, Washington, and Utah.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?: A better/steady job. And money. And my own place.
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?: September 23, Olivia's birth.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?: Bought my own car. Gave birth.
9. What was your biggest failure?: Not being able to finish my Dental Assisting hours this year.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?: illness: Sinus infection and strep.
11. What was the best thing you bought?: My Car.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?: No idea.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled?: Birth father.
14. Where did most of your money go?: Uhhh. Car payments, Phone bill, Parents.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?: Having Olivia. Meeting/Seeing Tayler. BYU vs. Utah game.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?: Tik Tok.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?: Um. I'm happier with who I'm with this time.
ii. thinner or fatter?: The same.
iii. richer or poorer?: Poorer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?: Saved money
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?: Spending.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?: I spent it with my fambam.
21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2009?: Um. I don't remember anything in particular. It kind of bothered me that everyone happened to walk in while I was spread eagle giving birth. Someone should've warned people not to look. It's not a sight that I want everyone to see. Come on.
22. Did you fall in love in 2009?: I fell out of love with an ex. I fell in love with my daughter. I've fallen in love with my current boyfriend.
23. How many one-night stands?: None. Thanks.
24. What was your favorite TV program?: Gossip Girl.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?: I don't hate him. I just am not happy with him as happy as I was last year with him.
26. What was the best book you read?: Catching Fire.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?: Between The Trees.
28. What did you want and get?: Kitten, Car and an amazing boyfriend.
29. What did you want and not get?: Olivia... sort of. ha. Laptop.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?: 500 Days of Summer.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?: Turned 19. I got Jasper for my birthday. Um. I think I went to Church on my birthday and had family come over. That's it.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: Um, not being pregnant. haha.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?: Whatever I can afford to buy that doesn't look incredibly horrifying.
34. What kept you sane?: Olivia, Tayler, Blogging, Groups, Work.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: No one really.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?: Don't pay attention to politics.
37. Who did you miss?: Ollie and Tay Tay. (:
38. Who was the best new person you met?: Tayler (:
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: Money management. Wait until you're married to have babies. God is always there for you.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "I can't breathe without you but I have to breathe without you, but I have to..." Taylor Swift- Breathe.
My resolutions this year:
Become temple worthy.
Go to Church every Sunday.
Bear my testimony every testimony meeting (It's only 12 times a year. Come on.)
Read my scriptures every night.
Get a dental assisting job.
ACT. (I haven't done it yet)
Go back to school.
Get out of debt.
Move out and get an apartment.
For New Years I'm flying out to Boise and I'll be with Tayler for a few days. We fly back together on the 4th and he's meeting Olivia. (: I'm SO excited. Then he's staying until the 7th.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Others awoke to gifts under a tree
I never slept awaiting a son
That Christmas morning I will always remember
the wait for a son I will never forget
A Merry Christmas day has come
I knew only to be full of cheer
but as I lay there waiting
I knew things were different this year
and that cold feeling I will always remember
each Christmas I will never forget
Minutes build into hours
I shut my eyes so tight
wishing so hard I could stand up and leave
with no trace nor an infant in sight
and that desperate wish I will always remember
would could have been I will never forget
prisoner of a foreign bed, peace before the storm
silence broken by the large beep of a tiny heart
reminding me he is there
can I? will I? go on without that heart?
A burning question I will always remember
praying for an answer I will never forget
The time has come, nine months paid off
fears surrender to work and strain
Reward soon follows as tiny hand curls round a finger
A most precious moment washed away by tears of pain
that soft warm touch I will always remember
Cold hard tears I will never forget
Sweet Angel, sweet Christmas so pure, fresh
Do you hear me? do you feel me? please say you know me
All I have is this mothers kiss to hold you until forever
Three short days I held that precious baby
Every hour I will always remember
Each moment I will never forget
The time has come, nine months are done....dues are to be paid
I sing a soft weak song goodbye to my gentle newborn friend
only I can hear my heart screaming and only I taste whats in these tears
When it's hard to say good-bye and let go and it's hard to see it end
that song I will always remember
My newborn friend I will never forget
So with one last kiss and a whisper, I left him and how I cried
I ached because you will not hear or feel me
and I sobbed because you will not touch or be near me
and most of all in spite of it all I cried because you will forget me
and I still cry because I will always remember
and my birth son I will never forget
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
"Don't complain about being a mother
I'm sure this goes for adoptive parents too. I know that when the time is right for me to have my own kids, I will be so eternally grateful that I can be their mother. I will cherish every moment with them. So don't complain to me about how hard motherhood is. It's harder to give birth to your child and then willingly relinquish your rights as a mother. Until you have done that, don't complain."
When I read this, my jaw just dropped. What gives you the right to tell other mothers that they can't complain about motherhood in front of you because you made the decision to place your child for adoption? Don't punish other people for a choice you made that was NOT out of your hands. Nobody forced you to do this! I am not saying that it was a wrong decision AT ALL. It was your decision to make. We are all human! Of course we are going to complain about being a parent at times!! That is normal! And for you to say that you won't when you have children of your own is a total joke! You don't know that!! It's an extremely rewarding, but extremely hard job that never ends! If it was an easy job that only gave you blessings, you probably wouldn't have had to place your child. It is NOT easy! It takes a lot of work!! I just think that it is so unfair for you to get angry at people or tell the that they can't complain about parenthood! Not fair at all!
I never said being a mother wasn't easy because I know it's not. But that does NOT mean you should complain to me. I never said you couldn't complain to OTHERS, but it's really hard for ME to hear.
Complain to others all you want. I could care less. But I don't want to hear it. You can be angry if you want, but that doesn't change the fact that IT'S HARD FOR ME TO HEAR. I want to be a mother. I know it's a hard job, but I want to be a mother. It's as simple as that.
So don't complain to me about it because I don't want to hear it.
I don't think Andee (or other birthmoms/adoptive moms/infertile couples) thinks she has the right to tell mothers they can't complain about motherhood; I think she's just giving you insight into what people involved in adoption feel, so you can be aware of how people feel? Perhaps you could be more sensitive to the feelings of other people.
It would be like complaining to someone in a wheelchair who can not walk about being sore from playing sports or even working. A comment like that could be really hurtful to them and you probably wouldn't think of saying that. You need to think of who you are talking to. Don't you think it would be more appropriate to talk about that with someone else?
Andee, I don't know you, but I completely understand where you are coming from. We are trying to adopt and I've had to gently remind people that it's a blessing to have kids and that they should focus on the good parts of raising children. I've actually had someone thank me (with tears in her eyes) for that reminder.
Pamela- (I'd also like to mention that anonymous so insensitive that she didn't even put the person's RIGHT name. That's a bit disrespectful by not even remembering the person's name you're talking to or trying to offend.)
I think the wheelchair analogy would be perfect if we were talking about somebody who was infertile, miscarried, or lost a child in a tragic accident. But from my understanding & what I have read above Andree had the opportunity to have a child of her own, but WILLINGLY placed her for adoption. Maybe a better analogy would be somewhere along the lines of complaining about your legs being sore to someone who was in a wheelchair because they cut off their own legs. I just think it is very self-righteous to say that relinguishing your parental rights is harder & deserves more praise than actually parenting a child for 18+ years. Of course at the end of the day, we all are entitled to our own opinion.
Anonymous- I'm guessing you aren't reading the same post as everyone else. Because I'm not reading anywhere that it says, "Placing my baby for adoption is SO much harder than you raising your children for 18+ years so praise me and leave your family out of my personal life."
You chose a very poor argument in that wheelchair analogy. It's not like any birth mom is willing to "cut of her own legs." If we put it that way. It's giving someone legs, if they didn't have any. It's VERY different when someone was born without legs and you are complaining about walking.
It's not like when any young girl who finds out she's pregnant out of wedlock the first thought is, "It's going to be SO much fun putting myself through hell physically with pregnancy, labor and delivery. And emotionally with placing my baby with a family that can't have kids of their own."
Forgive us birthmothers who don't get the special reward of being a mother but let another woman take all the credit for us.
Like what a previous comment has been said, "Be grateful, you have never felt the heavy burden of empty arms."
Be grateful that you got to be able to walk out with every single child in your arms out of the hospital and take them home with you.
Be grateful that you still get to hug, hold, kiss, and watch that child grow up everyday before your eyes.
It's hard for us birth mothers to watch mothers be ungrateful for those experiences that mean so much to us since we have yet to experience them. I think what Andee is trying to get at is that she doesn't think it's harder she just wishes that moms would appreciate what they have as being a mother instead of complaining how difficult it is because, even though it was willing, it's difficult to hear what we want more than anything to be in the world. And that's to be a mother.
Such as an adoptive mother wishes to be pregnant and have children of her own. It's not like you're going to complain to an adoptive mom about how much pregnancy sucks because pretty sure any woman who can't get pregnant wishes to be in your shoes right now. Or at least wishes to complain about her own pregnancy. Like someday, I wish to complain about motherhood as well, as you simply show your complaints and given the right to do so because you are a mother.
But I appreciate your very insensitive and childish comments. Thank you.
-I understand that it's hard to be a mother but sometimes in the moment of placing our baby for adoption can be a much harder trial EMOTIONALLY. Any woman can be a mother, it just takes a good heart to be the best mother. And I think birth mothers show how good of a heart they have by giving that piece of their heart to someone else for them to become a mother.
I made a post before about Motherhood. Before and after placement, motherhood has been... and always will be a sensitive subject. You think that once I have my own children it won't be as bad? You can never replace a child with another child. You will always remember the child that you didn't take home with you from the hospital. The pain of your own heart breaking when you look down at your empty arms and only taking home memories.
I know complaining becomes so natural and so easy for people that they just talk to whoever about it. But realize, there are other people that you can complain when this subject isn't so touchy. I know my family has tried really hard to realize that it is a sensitive subject and have respected that and not come to me so much or tell me how hard it is to be a mother. Because they know how much I want it. So anonymous, if you could see that's all we want, not anything to do with belittling motherhood. But our only wish is to have what you have someday. And today, isn't our day. So actually, thank you for belittling our experience. It'll come when we have our days to complain, and i'll reiterate, we'll cherish those moments better because we know what it's like to love like a mother, and lose the chance of being a mother. I'm sorry you couldn't be the bigger person and realize that and left it alone, but instead had to be the smaller person and break down Andee and other birth mothers. It may have been directed at her. But it hurt me too. Think before you speak.
As you are protective over your children, we are as well.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I have known many great men and women. Although they have different backgrounds, talents, and perspectives, they all have this in common: they work diligently and persistently towards achieving their goals. It’s easy to get distracted and lose focus on the things that are most important in life. I’ve tried to remember the lessons I learned and prioritize values that are important to me so that I can keep my eye focused on things that really matter.
I urge you to examine your life. Determine where you are and what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be. Create inspiring, noble, and righteous goals that fire your imagination and create excitement in your heart. And then keep your eye on them. Work consistently towards achieving them.
“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams,” wrote Henry David Thoreau, “and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”
Another lesson I learned on the football field was at the bottom of a pile of 10 other players. It was the Rocky Mountain Conference championship game, and the play called for me to run the ball up the middle to score the go-ahead touchdown. I took the handoff and plunged into the line. I knew I was close to the goal line, but I didn’t know how close. Although I was pinned at the bottom of the pile, I reached my fingers forward a couple of inches and I could feel it. The goal line was two inches away.
At that moment I was tempted to push the ball forward. I could have done it. And when the refs finally pulled the players off the pile, I would have been a hero. No one would have ever known.
I had dreamed of this moment from the time I was a boy. And it was right there within my reach. But then I remembered the words of my mother. “Joseph,” she had often said to me, “do what is right, no matter the consequence. Do what is right and things will turn out OK.”
I wanted so desperately to score that touchdown. But more than being a hero in the eyes of my friends, I wanted to be a hero in the eyes of my mother. And so I left the ball where it was—two inches from the goal line.
I didn’t know it at the time, but this was a defining experience. Had I moved the ball, I could have been a champion for a moment, but the reward of temporary glory would have carried with it too steep and too lasting a price. It would have engraved upon my conscience a scar that would have stayed with me the remainder of my life. I knew I must do what is right.
The Light of Christ helps us to discern right from wrong. When we allow temptations to drown out the still voice of our conscience—that is when decisions become difficult.
My parents taught me to react quickly when temptation comes and to say “No!” instantly and emphatically. I recommend that same counsel to you. Avoid temptations.
Another lesson I learned was the joy of service to others.
Each week during priesthood meeting, Bishop Perschon had the Aaronic Priesthood bearers recite the following phrase: “Priesthood means service; bearing the priesthood, I will serve.”
We all possess spiritual gifts. Some are blessed with the gift of faith, others the gift of healing. In the body of the Church, all of the spiritual gifts are present. In my case, perhaps one of the spiritual gifts for which I am most grateful is that I have been blessed with an obedient spirit. When I heard wise counsel from my parents or Church leaders, I listened and tried to make it part of my thoughts and actions.
Brethren of the priesthood, I urge you to cultivate the gift of an obedient spirit. The Savior taught that “whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man. … And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man.” Matthew 7:24, 26.
How do we know if we are wise or foolish? When we hear inspired counsel, we obey. That is the test of wise or foolish.
What does it profit us if we listen to wise counsel and do not heed the words? Of what use is experience if we do not learn from it? What good are the scriptures if we do not cherish the words and incorporate them into our lives?
President Gordon B. Hinckley has promised that “[Heavenly Father] will shower down blessings upon those who walk in obedience to His commandments.”
Although I didn’t fully understand it at the time, it is clear to me now that these lessons—and many others I learned as a youth—served as the foundation upon which the rest of my life has been built.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tayler asked me if I wanted to go to the Fiesta bowl with him. BSU vs TCU in Arizona... beginning of January. Warmth.
Then said, if all of the plans are too complicated he'd rather meet Olivia instead. And is excited to meet her and Dustinn&Val.
I'm pretty sure I found perfection.
I get to see him on Sunday (:
My hair= HECKA red.
I'm in love.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I went to the BYU vs Utah game.
Jessica got tickets to go to the game. She said the only way I could go is if I wore Utah apparel. I did. I feel a little bit bummed that the team that I was cheering for LOST.
But, I'm not a fan of Max Hall. Nice display of sportsmanship buddy. If you're unaware. You can youtube Max Hall calling Utah fans "classless." Seriously?
We're not losers either. We went with fellas.