When Andee made a post about what not to say to birthmoms/adoptive moms.
"Don't complain about being a mother I'm sure this goes for adoptive parents too. I know that when the time is right for me to have my own kids, I will be so eternally grateful that I can be their mother. I will cherish every moment with them. So don't complain to me about how hard motherhood is. It's harder to give birth to your child and then willingly relinquish your rights as a mother. Until you have done that, don't complain." One blogger said,
"I believe that it is a little unrealistic and a little unfair to expect a mother not to complain about being a mother. To expect that is actually belittling, in my opinion. It's basically saying, "Well, you don't know what TRUE sacrifice is because you have never had to place your child, so I better not hear about how you have a hard time raising your kids." The fact is that being a mother (birth mom or not) is HARD and it can be overwhelming. Not to say that I don't "cherish every moment," but there are some moments that I'd rather not have to cherish. Those moments tend to be the ones where I learn that there are certain things that I don't like about myself."Another blogger said,
"It isn't that you can't complain about being a parent, but don't complain to a birth mother or an adoptive mother about parenthood. Because it comes across insensitive to those of us that have spent hours on our knees praying for the chance to raise a child. My sister has at times vented to me her frustrations with parenting, and I have to end the conversation because it hurts too much to hear.
It isn't unrealistic or unfair to ask you be respectful about motherhood, when you are talking to a birth mother or adoptive mother. Surely there are other people in your life you can vent to that aren't as sensitive to the subject.
Be grateful, you have never felt the heavy burden of empty arms."
This post is not directed to anyone. Just everyone. This is kind of what's been weighing on my mind heavily. It brings me to tears to even think about it. I know that might not seem much since my emotional state is so fragile. Baha. Not really. It takes a lot for me to get worked up to bring on tears. But mostly when something has to do with Olivia or being a mom. It can get the water works going within seconds.
Motherhood is truly the biggest sacrifice made on both ends. Of being a birth mom and having to place. Or being a mother and raising your child. There are times that I do want to express that those two days in the hospital were the greatest days in my life. Those are the days that I was her mom. Those are the days that I was the closest ever to Olivia. I might not EVER get those days again. At least, not in this lifetime. They are very sacred to me. Even when I think about it, I feel the Spirit. I feel at peace. I am grateful to have those times and be that close to God and to Olivia.
Do not talk down to me about my experience. Do not talk down about how much motherhood is a pain. If God had given me the ability to never sleep those two days. I would've (I actually didn't get a lot of sleep for that matter). It's weird to say, but more than anything right now, I wish I had a screaming child in my ear all night. It'd at least be my baby next to me. I don't want to hear, "you'll have more children someday." Someday is looking pretty far away to me. I want at times I want someday to be right now.
After this experience, I don't think I could ever take this for granted. I'm sure there are moments when I do become a mother again that I wish that my screaming baby would stop. But then I'd take a step back and remember what I had lost before and would never want to lose again. I will cherish each moment differently.
I don't think you have to experience anything big like placing your child to cherish motherhood. You just have to look in your child's eyes and remember the sacrifice you took to bring them there. If it takes a lot for you to remember that, just think about the times you could've lost your child, think that maybe they won't be there tomorrow. Does that make you want to hold on to them tighter? I know it did for me every single night at the hospital with Olivia. I never wanted to let her go. I didn't. And yes, one morning, she was gone. I still have that heartache every morning. Without even knowing or putting into much thought, I remember what I lost.
Right now, I'm thinking, maybe if I get married right away and have kids that space could be filled in my heart. The day that Olivia was born my heart was full. The day she left, she left an open wound. I know with time it will get smaller but it will never fully go away. I'm sure people think, "Why would you ever want that?" Why wouldn't you? I wish I had what my sister's have. I had a loss, but at the same time I gained so much more. I can't wait for the day that Olivia tells me, "Thank you for the sacrifice you made as a mother and giving me a family." Also, in Andee's post girls added that they get, "I could never do that." When we tell them about our adoption story. I get that DAILY.
In the post placement group on Thursday, a girl brought that up when her own MOM said that to her and I was surprised with this girls answer she said, "You were never asked to." If the Lord had asked you to sacrifice yourself for your children, in a way that it could almost kill you? Would you do it? I did. I did it because I was asked to. When I was led to the choice of adoption. The Lord wasn't just looking out for Olivia, he was looking out for me. And he still is. He blesses me everyday, I know that every time I see pictures of Olivia with her family.
A blogger wrote,
"I agree with the others who have added "I could never do that." It's insulting, and insinuates that I loved my son less than you would have in the same position. Ridiculous. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't realize how much love it takes to make such a difficult choice possible AND positive. To immediately assume you couldn't do it either discounts your own strength or discounts the eternal value of adoption. Either is unacceptable to me!"
I hope my post doesn't offend. I don't want this to be a war against mothers/birth mothers/adoptive mothers. This is just how I'm feeling and how sensitive this subject really is to me.
I finally got around to uploading the hospital videos.
I hung out with Alyssa yesterday. I jumped on her trampoline. The first time I've done that in like a year. It was like the first time jumping on a trampoline all over again. Hilarious. I did two backhand springs though. 4 weeks postpartum. That's right. :) My body is sore though.
So for group yesterday. It was absolutely AMAZING. It was a husbands of birthmothers panel. There is a girl that comes to group and she placed 8 years ago on Christmas, so her husband (#1) came and spoke. Then another girl placed a little bit longer and I guess she's come a few times but I don't remember her and her husband (#2) was there. Husband #1 talked a lot and he was SO sweet. He said that he was in his wife's singles ward and was her home teacher and the way that she could get to know him is have her best friend ask him out on a date. So while they were out her best friend asked him if she knew the birth father and he was like, "Oh yeah, didn't he knock up some girl?" Yeah. Totally his wife. He felt bad because he didn't know. Husband #2 was the typical BYU guy wanting to get married right away. He was in her singles ward too and she told him that she had to go back to Florida for like 3 months. So the week before she left they went out like every night. Then when she came home from Florida that night, he proposed. The next day is when she told him. And she said to him, "Even though I said yes, I have to tell you something." And he built it up inside to be the worst thing possible. Like she was a felon or something. So when she told him he was like, "That's it? That's not bad." At that time she had placed 5 or 6 years before so she didn't talk much about it and was basically kind of over it.
We asked them some questions. They said to tell the guy sort of right away and if he thinks it's weird or awkward then to just leave him and he doesn't fully understand repentance and the atonement. Husband #1 said that he went on a mission and that he had a pretty close relationship with God but it doesn't come anywhere near our relationship that we've had with Him. We've had to constantly seek Him out. And he was directing to the other girls who were still pregnant that the difficulty isn't over for them and they still need His guidance.
We asked them how often they talk about it with their wives. And Husband #2 said rarely because by the time she told him about her baby, she had already moved on. And there's not much to talk about when it's a closed adoption because you only know them the day they're born (and keep in contact up until 5 years with some cases). Husband #1 said that it had only been a year after since his wife had placed when they started dating. So he was there for her when the letters stopped coming after 5 years and how hard it was on her. And that every Christmas that they have a birthday cake for her baby.
We asked them if their kids knew about adoption or going to let them know. Husband #2 said that they'll use it later on in life and that their kids don't know. That their kids will probably find out when they're teenagers so they can use it as there are consequences to your actions. But solutions to your actions. Which I thought was smart. Husband #1 said that their daughter, who is 4, knows what adoption is and if you ask her she says, "Adoption is when a mommy has a baby and gives it to another mommy who can't have babies." And he totally cried when he said that.
We asked them what it was like for them to be with their wives after their first kid together since they had gone through it before. Husband #2 said he never had really thought about that until now if it was any different for his wife because they rarely ever talk about it. Husband #1 said that he constantly thought about it and knew that it might be pretty difficult for her. And all he said to her is that we have to hold on tight to this little one and never let it go. He was saying that it's been the biggest blessing for him to have his kids crawl into their bed early in the morning and just loves them to death.
I'm sitting there crying, thinking, I so want that. Someday to share that with someone. To have my babies crawl into bed with me in the morning. To have this wonderful life. I mean, I already experienced having a baby and that was the greatest thing for me.
I was looking at those videos late last night and the emotions of that day flooded back to me. And I miss it. I wish I could just stop time right then. I was on cloud nine. One of the happiest days of my life.